"The Priest"

Most of the time when I go on a date, I'm in a good headspace.  I couldn't tell you why I wasn't this time.  Maybe it's because I had hopes for it turning out - even though I knew he was going to be moving away from Auckland in the coming months.  I was nervous.  I literally had to give myself a good pep-talk in the car - you know, the self-affirmation thing.  I was a bit early which of course makes me more nervous - being the one waiting.

I didn't know exactly what to expect.  His photos weren't good in terms of detail.  We had been talking for a while (online) by the time we met, so I knew a bit about him.  He was not a priest at all but a newly ordained Anglican vicar or whatever the technical term is (I don't know!)  He was about to fill a post which was a mandatory part of the process for I think three years in a small town.  I thought at the time that I was likely to be travelling with my job so it needn't be an issue.

Due to my nerves, I asked all about him.  I responded with my own thoughts on what he said and we had lengthy and interesting conversations about faith and God and Christianity and church.  While he held fairly traditional views, and mine were probably very non-traditional in comparison, we seemed to still find common ground.  I have to say, I really enjoyed the conversation because it is rare for me to find someone who shares that common interest - if it can be described that way.

I found him to be very nice, diplomatic, affirming and pleasant - just as you would expect a young vicar to be.  He seemed very conservative in comparison to the guys I'd been spending time with, and well brought up.  Possibly a bit too traditional and conservative for me - but definitely worth getting to know and spending time with at least to find out if there was any potential there.

As we were wrapping things up and he mentioned he was going to walk into the city from there (he took the bus to the cafe).  I said I'd give him a lift but I was on my way to the Osteopath.  The very odd thing was that as we said goodbye to one another and he left, I saw him start sprinting down the road out of the corner of my eye and I wondered what that was about!  Did he badly need to go to the loo and didn't like to say while we were having coffee together - saw McDonalds and made a run for it?  Did he take up my suggestion that he catch a bus in to the city and had spotted one pulling away?  Did he have another date lined up and was late?  Or was he just so relieved to get out of there that he wanted to put as much distance between us in as short a time as possible?  It has perplexed me ever since but I did not like to ask in case it was the loo thing and it offended his sensibilities to discuss such matters.

Later that day (or could have been the next) I had a lovely message from him simply saying that I had inspired him in our conversation about helping the community and I replied by saying that I admired the sacrifice it required of him to go into ministry and his commitment to it.  He never replied.  So I figured "yup - not that into me...just wanted to wish me well."

For some strange reason this last failed date had a real affect on me.  I suppose I had been having mixed feelings about dating or being in a relationship for a while, but at this time I was really struggling with the rejection I was beginning to feel from "putting myself out there" and it not going well.  I discovered I was still reeling from the rejection I felt from my ex-husband.  It was about this time that things began to unravel for me.  I realised that I still loved my husband, that I found his rejection (not wanting to work it out with me) very painful and for some reason this last date was the one that opened my eyes to it.  

Speeddating Revisited

So I was late arriving at the Speed Dating event.  My mother is about to visit my brother in Hawaii and was blathering on to me about it while I struggled with my shoes (I have a love-hate relationship with these particular shoes - the hate part is due to the buckles taking 20 minutes to do up).  But I have to say I was relieved to be late.  It meant that I didn't have to sit there like an idiot at the bar with no one to talk to since I went alone.  Yes!  I went alone!!!

I was informed that two women had already left due to the low numbers that had turned out - particularly men.  And I learned later that another got up and left after complaining to one of the men that the "talent" was very poor and she had met half of them at a previous Speeddating event.  While I could understand her reasons for leaving, I didn't think much of her sharing it with one of those guys she considered were "without talent".

I strolled in confidently finding the whole scene most entertaining.  It has to be said that for a mother of a young child, a night out doing anything is exciting no matter what it is.

OK, I was a little nervous but it didn't last long.  As the bell sounded, my first "date" arrived and immediately I knew it was a waste of time.  He was from Iran, middle-aged and all I remember about him was that the time dragged on and on and I thought that 5 minutes would never end.  I asked him as many questions as I could to fill the empty space.

There was one guy amongst the 10 or 12 I met who carried a notebook with him in case he ever got stuck for questions or to write notes so he could give you careful consideration later.  One of his questions was, "what was the last book you read?"  I tried to explain that I was hooked on a Marian Keyes run of novels from my local 2nd hand bookstore but he likened them to Mills and Boon (apparently the term "Chicklit" was lost on him and 'Romance Novels' only came in the Mills and Boon form).  This made me feel suitably put out since the last time I read a Mills and Boon was on a dull day at work  at the oldies' Retirement Village and although Marian Keyes couldn't be described as "serious reading" I'd like to think of myself as intelligent enough to discern a good author/read from a bad one.  Danielle Steel, for example, does nothing for me.  In fact, I find myself hoping something terrible happens to the main heroine in the hope that the story might improve.

Another guy that stands out in my memory introduced himself as someone who worked at the Warehouse, and who usually wouldn't be out at this time but working a shift.  He kept watching his clock and indicated that he needed to go soon - something to do with his mother expecting him home.

And yet another was a short, obnoxious loud mouth, dressed so scruffily he looked like he'd just walked off a building site.  I remember he either had extremely stained teeth or missing teeth or maybe both.  He actually had the cheek to point out other men in the room and put them down.  It was very uncomfortable and since I'd already had a few brief conversations with him (because he was the sort of person who forced you to) prior to officially meeting him at my table, I was dreading my five minutes with him and was very happy to see the back end of it (the five minutes that is - believe me, I had no interest in seeing his back end at all)...

Overall, the woman who left deeply unimpressed by the talent was quite right.  At some point into the night, I found myself considering men who I would never normally consider, and then ticking the "yes" box simply because otherwise I would walk away with not one date and it all seemed such a waste of money.  The most attractive man there (who seemed very cocky in actual fact but at least halfway normal) was only a few inches taller than myself.  And I am 5'3".  There were a couple of other older professional men who I also ticked yes to simply because we had a good conversation not because there was any connection, chemistry or attraction.  I think I ticked around 3 yes boxes but only one of those had ticked yes for me - can you imagine how that felt!  But as it was, the man I was "matched with" never contacted me nor I him - and I'm relieved.  In hindsight I didn't want to spend time with any of those guys.  None of them seemed right for me.

I know how I sound right now - a bit too cool for school, and as my dear "ex-friend" would say - I'm not "all that"! (bitch).. But I was kind and respectful to those men and honestly thought many of them were lovely - they were just not right for me.  Later on, I joined a group of women and there was one woman in particular who was keen to bag the lot of them and I found myself defending Mr. Notebook (bald, middle-aged, glasses -not my type, but he was a nice guy if a little peculiar - and I don't like to hear nice guys being scorned like that!)  But we could all relate to the Iranian being "the longest 5 minutes we'd ever spent".

So that was my Speeddating experience which I intend to never repeat.

Osteopath Crush

Well it's been very quiet on the dating front, sadly.  Although I have to say that when I was seeing the student Osteopath today and her drop-dead gorgeous tutor walked in I thought to myself, surely this would count as Date #19?  After all, I was lying prostrate and half-naked and he put his hands on me (admittedly it was my neck he put his hands on - but he had a good view of my boobs pointing up towards the ceiling).  Not to mention the fact that he had put aftershave on for the occasion and smelt divine!  I found myself feeling in equal measures proud and embarrassed of the mammoth size of my boobs (it is seriously shocking what pregnancy and breastfeeding did to my boobs and now DD is a distant memory...)  He left with a smile and wishing me a good weekend.  To be honest, it's better than many of the dates I've been on so far!  Ok, admittedly he might have manipulated and made my neck crack a bit which other dates have not done, but certainly relieved pain rather than added to it.

I am going to keep my 4:30pm Friday appointment and start wearing makeup and doing my hair and not wearing dire clothes like I was today or my unflattering jeans or my shoes that make my feet stink when I take them off.  And I'm going to spray myself with perfume and peppermint spray my stinky feet and make sure I give him eye contact and flirt a little whilst sucking in my tummy...  And might even mention that to my student Osteo that I think her tutor is cute - as long as he's not wearing a wedding ring.  But let's face it - he's probably taken.

Moving on...

My many conversations with numerous interesting and attractive men seem to have fizzled on my Findsomeone/NZ Dating websites.  I'm wondering why this is.  Those of you who are in the world of internet dating, perhaps you can tell me what your experiences are and what you think is going on?  It's not like any of these men have suggested that we meet up (as yet), but clearly they are interested, otherwise why would they bother to chat backwards and forwards?  And because I want to know that he's into me and therefore to do the inviting out (and also I want to get to know them a bit before I meet up with them), I often chat to them for a little while at least.  But eventually (and by eventually I mean maybe a week or two at the most), he doesn't reply to my last message and so it sort of "fizzes".

What I want to know is - why is it fizzing?  Is it because I need to move faster and suggest we talk on the phone or meet up because invariably he is also talking to other women and met them and they've begun something?  Or is it because of something I have said that they've decided I'm not for them or they've just lost interest?  Or something else?

Anyway, all is not lost as I have a few other things I'm going to try:

1) a singles social group where we meet up socially about once or maybe twice a month (still haven't got to know people well yet)
2) I've organized an event via the internet dating sites while I'm away attending a course in a nearby city and invited all the yummiest guys I could find in the area.. course other women will be there (sadly) :)
3) I'm attending another event here in Auckland where through the events on the dating site Find Someone with about 80 other people
4) I'm going to speed dating next week (not Verity's speed dating but another one)

So I'm still putting myself out there... fingers crossed I'll have more to report soon :)

With Friends Like You - Who Needs Enemas?

Verity from Speed Dating in Auckland posted a Facebook status today that captured a letter she had received to encourage her after all the criticism she'd had recently for her service.  However, towards the bottom of the letter it read:

"Be encouraged, forget the silly nonsense from whiners.
I have plenty of those friends, complain of the lack of quality men, and dam they aint all that themselves, but bless their little deluded selves they will stay single and bitter forever.
Will be in touch babe, keep your chin up and see you again soon (-:"

Unfortunately for the person that wrote that letter and for the person that publically posted it on Facebook - I am one of her friends.  I recognized her situation the minute I read it and since I'm one of her single friends I had to ask her about it.  Sure enough, she wrote the letter.  And when I asked her about the statements above  (what friends were you talking about?) she decided to not only unfriend me but also block me.  After 20 years of friendship (we were best friends in high school and so we've known each other for more like 23 years - since we were 14) in 2 seconds flat after hurting me and seemingly without caring two hoots about it, she ends it.

This is the second time she has been found out backstabbing me.  The last time I had invited her along to a regular social event I ran for single parents as a kind of support to them (and me as I was going through a separation at the time).  Upon coming along and befriending everyone she then criticized everything about me and the way I ran it.  The end result was that I found out about it and all the people that had been coming, stopped coming and the group died.  I should have ditched her then.  She said at the time that she was ashamed and was sorry but despite my saying I forgave her as that's what friends do when people stuff up - she was never the same towards me.  Kept her distance and in hindsight whenever I shared things about my career for instance that was going well, she sat in awkward silence as if she believed that I couldn't do anything of the kind (I'm very ambitious when it comes to my career but you'd expect your friends to cheer you on wouldn't you?)

About a week ago she sought me for a character reference.  Believe it or not, she is seeking to go into the world of mentoring, Christian ministry and counselling and teaching!  At the time I have to say I had reservations about giving her a reference.  But because I was her friend I decided to support her and believe in her.  Now I wish I hadn't.  Until she can learn how to be a good friend, how not to sit in judgment of other people and how to keep her big mouth shut she's unlikely to be very good at her job.  It's the basics of good character I would have thought - and there are too many two-faced people out there pretending to be something they're not.  How can you teach others to have good character when you struggle to show that yourself?  And fair enough if you make a mistake, but own it for heavens sake instead of blame-shifting.  I'm so astonished at the lack of sensitivity and once found out the could-care-less attitude.  Not someone I'd pick for a mentor or a counsellor, personally.

Well my gripe does not just lie there - because at the time I asked Verity whether she would remove her status from her facebook page as I found it upsetting to have it up there.  Verity uses her own name as the Speed Dating business facebook page.  Unfortunately, Verity responded by saying that she thought it odd that I thought I knew the person and she wouldn't remove the status but would instead unfriend me so I wouldn't see her status!

Don't get me wrong, I have attended one of Verity's events and had a lot of fun and I thought Verity was a nice person, however she's clearly not dealing with complaints/criticism well.  She has decided to publically post the complaints into newsletters and on her facebook page instead of addressing them privately and professionally (which prompted my friend's letter to "try and counter the attacks she'd received").  And in my case, instead of at the very least removing a few sentences at the end of the letter, Verity chose to delete me, one of her customers.  Even if she disagreed with my request - why would you do that to a customer in a situation like this?  That is unprofessional and a hell of a way to do business. 

So all in a day's work:  I have been publically criticized, unfriended (twice), blocked and had a "friend" betray me and get rid of me as if I was dirt on her shoe.  But as the title implies - who needs friends like that?

Date #18 "The Lawnmower Man"

So I had been chatting online backwards and forwards with "The Lawnmower Man" - sometimes several messages every night.  It was nice to "come home to someone" to tell them about my day, to be honest.  I liked the look of his photo.  I had concerns that maybe he was too quiet or perhaps did not have anything intelligent to say, but as I got to know him there was a warmth growing between us in our messages, and I learned that he was very well-read and had a keen interest in learning.

So eventually I asked him if he would like to meet up.  He hadn't said anything and I wondered how long it would take him - in the meantime, I was concerned that I would build someone up in my head and grow to fancy that man only to be let down by real life!

I'd suggested coffee and he'd suggested St Lukes or Lynmall, so I went with St Lukes.  I'm not a great fan of malls - and having coffee in a mall is hardly what I'd call pleasant but I didn't want him to think that I had to be the one making all the decisions so I agreed.  I arrived early, and settled with my mochaccino to read the newspaper.  I was starving because it was right on dinner time.  I'd clearly been excited by our connection online as I had specially got my hair done in low lights and highlights and straightened and bought new clothes.     It was practically a whole day's worth of preparation.  When I texted him to tell me I'd arrived, he said that he would be there in 13 minutes.  I was going to make a joke about how precise that was but decided he'd be driving.

He arrived wearing a green shirt and green shorts.  I have to say it was very disappointing.  Do you know that what a man wears, how he carries himself and his personality are the most attractive things about him?  Well, that's my opinion anyway.  Because he had some classic good looks about him that might dazzle someone - but for whatever reason I didn't feel dazzled.  We talked mostly about our kids.  He was attentive, interested and friendly.  I'd finished my coffee by the time he arrived (wasn't his fault he was late he was waiting for his ex to pick up his kids) and he didn't want to order and instead suggested we go along to a certain shop where he could pick something up for his son.  Then he wanted to go to another cafe while I was starving and wanted food.  We ended up at the food hall and before you know it it was time to go since both of us had to rush back to look after our kids.

We have a lot in common being the primary carers of our children and our ex being one who "could not cope" with too much childcare responsibility and not having the family support in place that we get much time to ourselves...  I thought at the very least that we could be friends - or I hoped so.

It was comfortable - not in any way uncomfortable.  Certainly no sparks but I've learned now that sparks don't always happen immediately.  We had talked about how we might find time to get together and came up with a few tentative plans.

The following week our messages dwindled.  We'd talked a few times about seeing each other and he wasn't able to but assured me he'd have loved to.  The messages seemed to mostly be about the weather and "how our day had been".  One of his regular questions was "did you work today?"  Apparently he expected me to work fulltime because he also had a 2yo and felt this was our duty to financially support our children.  While I agree with him in our circumstances, I do work part-time and my son is not in quite full time hours as yet and he knew I was looking for a job.  It was some weird conversation that we'd had a while ago that became a bit awkward so every time he asked me about work I felt weird like he was judging me for the choices I'd made or the position I was in.

So I was not feeling greatly enamoured by our "conversations" since we met and while at times I wondered if he'd lost interest - other times he seem to reassure me that he hadn't.  At one stage he made the comment that it might be better if we made a time to talk rather than "waiting online all night awaiting a message" which struck me as a bit odd.  Why wouldn't you send a message and then go and do something else and reply when you felt like it?  So I texted him and gave him my home phone number and invited him to call me sometime - said that he had all my numbers now I would leave it up to him.  Then I got a message saying that he was going to be childfree for a few hours the following day, what if he called me between 5:20pm and 7:30pm?  I wanted to laugh it was so planned and simply replied that he was welcome to call whenever he liked and if I was home I'd answer!  During that phonecall, we arranged to see each other the following day but said we'd arrange what we'd do by phone.

The next morning I was waiting for my son's dad to pick him up and texted "The Lawnmower Man" and said that I'd run out of coffee in the house and was dying so I might go up to a cafe did he want to join me or did he want to do something else?  I got an odd phonecall as a result asking me did I want to cancel our date as he got a strange text message from me.  And I said, no I'd just invited him to join me for coffee!  So he said he didn't mind joining me for coffee did I want to meet him at St Lukes or Lynmall!  (Remember the last time he suggested either Lynmall or St Lukes?)  He said they were places he knew.  I asked him did he not want to go somewhere he didn't know - and he said (a little irritably) "well then I won't know where to find it, will I?"  At this point, I told him I was still dealing with my son and would think about it and text him.  I'd decided at that point that I didn't want to meet him.  I had become bored with our conversations and he was a nice guy - don't get me wrong - but there was absolutely no spontaneity or adventure in him.  Aside from the dull conversations, it was the "I will be there in 13 minutes" and the agitation about being late and the insisting on coffee in Lynmall and St Lukes that really did it.  Along with the green shorts and green shirt.  Men should not wear shorts unless it's summer and they're the surfie-variety.  And I am fairly anti-green most of the time.  Even my son doesn't wear green.  If he has any green clothes in his wardrobe they are pulled out for daycare use and he can splosh paint on his green apparel to his heart's content as far as I'm concerned!  

So I cancelled our 2nd date and wished "Mr Lawnmower Man" well.  He is such a nice guy and really looking for a mother for his children whose mum has all but abandoned them (personally I was more attracted to being their stand-in mother than I was to being "Mrs Lawnmower Man")  I certainly hope that he finds someone lovely as he is a nice man.  Someone who has a steady job, unambitious, not particularly adventurous, family-oriented, the domestic type - bakes and gardens and makes hearty dinners to warm her man's stomach.  I don't think we were a good fit..  It's not that he had done anything wrong, it was just that I didn't think our personalities went together.

I probably would have continued to be friends with him and enjoyed the friendship but I think all the rigidness with time and location put me off.

A Momentary Lapse of Melancholy and Self-Pity

In between bouts of reading Marian Keyes chick-lit I have a little narrative going in my head I thought I'd share with you... tongue is a little bit in cheek but am also indulging in a bit of momentary self-pity.

I have been having a debate with myself to make sure that I won't settle for anything except someone who's kind of crazy about me that I'm crazy about - which, if you ask me - could mean that I'm in for a long wait - and so I'd perhaps better get used to singledom (singlehood?  singleness?) and dress it up as something fun and refer to myself as a singleton.  And say to everyone "oh I LOVE being single!" like the others do when it's painfully obvious that their 1 bedroom apartment with cat is really not that fulfilling whatsoever.

But the problem is that men are often "not that into me."  When I think about it, even my husband isn't/wasn't that into me.  We dated for two-and-a-half years and I had to give him an ultimatum in the end about "marriage or I walk" and in hindsight he wasn't leaping to the altar although he definitely was leaping to the honeymoon suite later that night...

And come to think of it I don't think my own mother is really that "into me"... or the rest of my family, or my friends for that matter (sorry friends).  And the men that are really into me, wouldn't you know it, I'm not into myself.

There is, however, one little glimmer of joy in this entire pity-me post - my 2 year old son.  I have to say that despite my absolute exhaustion that he brings out in me, he is one boy that I can say categorically that I am totally besotted with.  I look at him and he is perfect to me.  His eyes couldn't be more beautiful.  The way his hair curls I think is the cutest thing in the world.  I love the way he says his "L's" (he can't say them).  And the way his hair bounces when he walks.  And we have the most incredible bond.  When I remember all this I am grateful to God, grateful to the universe for giving me him.

Paid Empty Seats To Nelson and Back

So my ex-husband told me today it was "impossible" for him to get off work to go down to Nelson with me to attend marriage counselling.  While I agree his work situation is difficult, at this point I have to ask the question what's more important?  And he knows I'm unable to cancel the flights as I enquired about this with Air NZ. Turns out it would also cost me $150 to change the dates and destination and that I couldn't go with anyone other than my ex-husband since his name is on the ticket and it's non-transferable.  So there goes $500 up in flames.  And if I choose to go on my own and attend at least one counselling session - I will have three lonely days in Nelson by myself (know no one there that I know) with my son paying for our stay down there out of money my ex-husband is saying we don't have.

I have spent the best part of today feeling upset, hurt and rejected while my ex-husband ummed and ahhed about whether or not he was going to go down to Nelson or not.  I thought about why I had considered having marriage counselling with my ex and realised that despite his faults and his contribution, I have felt guilty that my marriage has failed and responsible for its failure.  I felt like I had an obligation to try to make it work in part because I still find it difficult facing up to a failed marriage and humiliation that comes with that.  For the past 18mths I have wondered whether I should attend marriage counselling with my ex.  Early on I said to him that I would not consider him moving back until he'd sought counselling.  In the end he attended a few times and stopped (half-hearted attempt at it) and I ended up agreeing to a few sessions of relationship counselling prior to our son being born and agreed to him coming back home as a result.  Of course, it all turned to custard again and the next time he left I told him I wouldn't have him back unless he'd attended his own counselling or an anger management programme.  He had all the excuses in the world as to why he couldn't do this - and yet he agreed to marriage counselling.  This is the 2nd time he's found a reason not to go to marriage counselling when it came down to attending the appointments.  Both were to do with work.  In the back of my mind there was the nagging doubt "did I do everything I could?"  Today, instead of grief I felt like a weight had lifted off me and the book had finally closed on our marriage.  I can move on without guilt.  I had told him it was our last opportunity and I wasn't going to give him anymore.  His reply?  "Whatever..."

It hurts and it is the ultimate rejection that your husband does not want to try everything possible to make the marriage work.  But perhaps we both had that ambivalence in common?  It's definitely time to let go and move on.  It's all sad and I regret it but what more can I do?  There will be a vacant seat next to me should I go to Nelson highlighting the fact that my husband did not choose me.

Should I go, I will have the counselling to discuss what I contributed to the failing of our marriage and some of the issues I have as a result of that failed marriage.  

Feeling Torn

In exactly one week I board a plane for Nelson.  With the flights booked and paid for, the cost of childcare, accommodation and counselling alone will cost money we honestly don't have and I am getting cold feet.  It's not just the money causing the cold feet either.  It's also the fact that my ex-husband has basically spent no time with me at all and shown no interest in doing so - literally dropping our son off or picking him up and going with no more than a brief exchange.  Some days I barely hear from him except for occasionally to establish that we are ok to appease his anxious mind (alive and well).  And the one time we have spent literally an hour together, we argue.

The other reason is that despite the fact that I have changed my profile on the internet dating sites I've joined (but not a paying member) to say that I'm not interested in a relationship at this stage, just friendship - I have nevertheless chatted with probably 5 men all of whom seem very promising in terms of looks and intelligence but at the moment there is one in particular that is standing out to me.  We have been messaging back on forth and "getting to know each other" which has been building very slowly...  He is a father of two children, the youngest is 2yo same as mine.  He has full custody or day-to-day care because their mother couldn't cope with them.  That struck me immediately because I am always impressed with fathers that are devoted to their children - not that it's a given just because he has custody of them but as I read his profile and got to know him it is very obvious.  To me it says a lot about a person's character: their kindness, their love, their commitment, their willingness to sacrifice.  Yes these are all things most mothers do naturally but it still impresses me in a man.  And in fact we have a lot in common in that we both have had to take the bulk of the childcare on our shoulders because the other parent has not been able to cope with too much responsibility.  Neither of us has much in the way of family support.  Neither of us gets much of a break.  Sure, this makes for practical problems when it comes to dating but it's something that we've had in common and can relate to one another.

He has a Lawnmowing Business.  Although the Business side of it won't be, the trade/service itself certainly doesn't take a lot of brain-power so I wondered whether in fact he was at all intelligent.  And I certainly felt a bit concerned when he said "I'm taking the kids to Dennys for Breakfast - have you heard of it?"  Who hasn't? But as we've got talking, he tells me that he is an avid reader and frequents book stores including 2nd hand bookstores and reads a whole range of literature - lately it has been history.  This says a lot to me because when you are widely read, you usually have a good general knowledge and therefore often have something to contribute to a whole range of topics of conversations.  My ex-husband is not well-educated - he left high school at age 15 and never completed a tertiary qualification but he is an intelligent man for the exact same reason.  He is widely read, researches topics, loves history and so on.  He has a Managerial role currently and I think that if it wasn't for his anxiety he would be an extremely capable man.

So while my ex-husband has not shown a lot of interest in spending time with me or talking with me, I have been coming home from work or putting Nathan to bed and going to speak with Mr. Lawnmower-Man.  And after that argument my ex and I had when we did actually spend time together - it was nice to have such an easy, pleasant conversation with this other guy who was genuinely interested in what I had to say.

I haven't met him and I haven't made plans to meet him but he said a comment to me tonight that I found made me feel excited:  he said "You had better be careful young lady you may get me falling for you!" I replied that he's not allowed to simply because a) we hadn't met and b) I wanted to start out being friends to which he replied that I was a clever young lady (and wise) and "don't you change!"  But inwardly I was excited.  It's been gradual and warm and respectful and he strikes me as quiet and gentle but not boring or a pushover.  He comes across that way but I'm very aware that what people are like in person can be a different thing altogether!

We haven't made any plans to meet or even talk on the phone.  Neither of us has brought it up.  I haven't for obvious reasons, but clearly he's happy to let things go along slowly as they are.  But here's the dilemma... I haven't met him and even if I had I won't know for some time (I would think) whether there's potential there with this guy or any other guy.  But the fact that I consider it makes me question my own commitment to trying to make my marriage work.  I feel extremely ambivalent as to whether I want to even try - both of us would have to change dramatically.  Both of us would have to work on our individual issues that pushed the others' buttons.  We would have to continue marriage counselling for a year I would think to deal with all the issues there.  It would be extremely hard work.  In the meantime, there's nothing there right at this point in time that is good between us.  There's barely even a friendship - we don't spend time together, we fight when we do (most of the time), there's certainly no physical affection or apparent sexual attraction on his part (though he assures me he finds me attractive - but it's clear at the moment he doesn't "want me").  Besides loyalty to him, the fact that he's my son's father and commitment to the institution of marriage - I don't know why I'm going.

I think if I'm altogether honest, I had questioned myself whether I had given it all I could, and had maybe a sense of conscience about that but also the matter rose out of the fact that I had become sick of the dating game and found myself alone.  That is such a selfish reason but if I'm honest, it's definitely part of the reason I decided to embark on this journey.  I know that in some ways I would like for the counsellor to look at our situation and tell us it's over.  On the other hand, I know I would experience grief and sadness if that were the case.  I'm also concerned that after all the counselling, hard work and dealing with our issues - the best we can achieve is a marriage that is literally a friendship.  Having shared these concerns with my ex-husband, he has said himself that there are no guarantees that we will have a loving relationship where there is a connection between us emotionally, physically and sexually.  He has told me that currently he avoids spending time with me because he finds our exchanges full of drama and difficulty and he finds it draining.  I said to him if we are going to work on our marriage it will no doubt be draining and he would need to spend time with me.  So I'm just not even sure he's up to the task.

It seems like a very high price to pay to attempt to work out our marriage:  not just financially but also the fact that I will no doubt continue to be lonely as we continue in counselling for about a year - and will not be able to date or see or consider other men - would have to give up anyone I have currently met or been in contact with, and instead live an affection-free, sex-free, intimacy-free life doing the hard yards with my ex for a while.  Then there's the energy it requires to work on our relationship.  And for what?  No guarantees whatsoever.

My ex-husband has expressed grave concerns about us going to Nelson and spending $1000 that we don't have on flights, accommodation, counselling and childcare and being in debt to both my mother and the counsellor by trying to pay them back when we barely can make ends meet (either of us).  Having looked up the conditions of our flights - it looks likely that I will cancel the flights.  Whether we instead accept telephone counselling by this counsellor in Nelson at a later stage when we can afford it, I don't know.  It's very confusing.  I am completely torn about the whole thing.  My ex-husband wants me to think about it and give an answer tomorrow.

I haven't given a good case for going to Nelson except in my previous blog posting "10 Reasons Not To Date Your Husband" or whatever I called it - further down below those reasons I gave reasons why I was considering marriage counselling.

Some of you blog readers are strangers to me, some are friends.  Regardless, I'd appreciate your feedback while I consider again whether or not to go to Nelson and have the counselling, remain in Auckland and just pay for telephone counselling with this particular counsellor (whose style of counselling I believe is our best chance) or flag the whole thing.

The Digger is a Nutbar

So I got this text last night from Date #16 saying that he assumed I wasn't interested in a relationship then since he hadn't heard from me.  I replied saying that I really didn't want to be in a relationship at the moment while I sort myself out.  He said that was a shame because he really liked me.  He then offered friends with benefits or friends that f***.  I said I wasn't interested in casual sex.  I then got message after message telling me that I was a fat, greasy sl*t and that I acted like I was sooo pretty but I really wasn't and that he saw I was a train wreck right from the beginning.  And when I didn't reply he said "and don't act all waaaaaaaah just because I'm calling you out for being a cow."  He seems to have this kind of reaction whenever I have in any way not given him what he wants or in same way rejected him (even though not once did I say any personal criticism towards him but gave reasons that were entirely about myself!)

Even if I was attracted to him physically (which I'm not), men like this are dangerous.  There are two extremes to their personality.  On the one hand they can be charming, attentive, caring, sweet.  On the other hand they can be the most cruel, angry person imaginable and then blame you for "making them that way".  It's very abusive and if you lived in a relationship with such a person, it would be as bad as "battered wife syndrome".  How I know this is that I experienced it with my ex-husband - and I will not be going back to it, I can assure you.  Either our relationship changes in all the way it needs to or we go our separate ways - and we are both in agreement with that.

Someone asked me about early warning signs.  The first time I saw Date #16 lose his temper, it was on the stretch of road on Scenic Drive that made me not want to be in his car a moment longer.  Of course, all the other stuff he'd been saying that night certainly was something to pay attention to.  That was our 4th date, so it happened pretty early on.  Obviously you want someone who can fight fair and respectfully and keep a hold of their temper when they're feeling criticized or rejected.  I respect a man who can stick up for himself but does so without stripping you down with his words.

The test of a man is when he is angry or stressed.  I'm no expert at finding a good, healthy relationship - so please don't look to me to be your role model by any means!  But that advice was given to me by a very wise woman and I think it is true.  Pay attention to how the man you are dating deals with stress and anger.  Does he shut down?  Does he communicate?  Does he blow up?  Does he say cruel things to you?  Call you names?  Fight dirty?

There's one other thing.  If someone has come from a very abusive childhood - and by very abusive, I mean psychological and/or physical abuse but especially both - be very, very careful.  I'm not talking about sexual abuse here - because I don't have experience in my own life or dating someone who has experienced sexual abuse, so I really can't share on that subject.  But with psychological/physical abuse, a person naturally has a lot of major issues no matter how "together" they appear on the surface.

Now I say this coming from that kind of childhood myself.  In my case I spent more than 2 years in counselling dealing with it.  Most people don't take that kind of time to face up to it and deal with the results.  And I'm by no means sorted.  My experience is that women who have come from such a background often pick an unstable man (puts up hand) and herself tries to find ways to control him and her environment to make her feel a sense of security.  Now that on it's own does not necessarily end up being a disaster if she is with the right man who can deal with it - although it certainly has the potential to damage a relationship with her partner and her kids!  My experience of men is that they grow up angry and end up acting in the same way as the man they grew to hate - their father - and then deny that this is the case.  It may not be all the time but it will be a combination of the anger/injustice he feels as a result of being abused and witnessing abuse and abusive behaviour being the way he has seen a man deal with anger or stress.  And of course, teaming up with a woman with tendencies to control to feel secure is a match made in hell - especially if control was another factor in his upbringing.

Don't get me wrong, everyone deserves a chance at love and happiness - myself included.  It wasn't my fault that I had such an upbringing.  All I'm saying is that you need to tread very very carefully if you discover someone has had this kind of upbringing, and find out in what ways they have faced it and dealt with it - if at all.  Sometimes they can be the most wonderful partner simply for having gone through it and dealt with it.  But especially in men, I find that is rarely the case.

The tickets to Nelson are booked and paid for to attend Marriage Counselling with my ex.  I can't help but wonder if the entire thing is a total waste of money - but I cannot explain it, it feels like it's something that I need to do even though I have to admit there are days I want to call the whole thing off.

10 Good Reasons Why I Shouldn't Date My Husband

As you may have read by now, my husband and I have been separated for 18mths.  The first time we separated I was actually about 5mths pregnant but we attended a few counselling sessions and got back together right before our baby was born.  9mths later, we separated again.  In about three weeks time, we have the opportunity to attend marriage counselling in Nelson.  Why there and why now?  I happened to come in contact with a counsellor whose approach I believe is the only one that might help our marriage.  It would take me a while to explain why, but essentially, I believe that if there is any hope for us - this is it.

So why has it taken me 18mths to do make this step?  Here are 10 good reasons why:

1. My husband has issues.  He has depression with an anxiety disorder, a history of alcoholism (he hasn't had a drink since well before our 2.5yr old son was born mind you) and a bad temper.  The two times we separated he had hurt me physically.  Not beaten me, sure, but still hurt me.  Both of us have baggage from our family background.  It has to be said that mine is more resolved than his is simply because I worked on it for several years in counselling in my early 20's, but we still press one another's buttons and react in ways that cause distress in the other person and in this way, we are not an ideal match.
2. My condition for getting back together was that he got help for his issues - counselling and anger management.  He has not done either despite initially promising he would to now refusing to as it would mean that he accepted the lion-share of the blame for our failed marriage.
3. We fight a lot.  We disagree on a lot of things and seem unable to resolve our conflict or to "fight" in a way that is respectful.  And we have too much conflict.  Neither of us want to have arguments or constant conflict in our lives - and especially don't want to have that kind of environment for our son.
4. Trust has been eroded.  The hurt that has gone on between us with the things we have said and the things we have done has meant that neither of us trust one another.  From my perspective, it means that I can't trust him to be vulnerable with him - to share myself with him without being criticized or rejected.  Perhaps he feels the same?
5. We are complete opposites when it comes to our personalities.  You know how I love to analyze personalities?  If you know Myers Briggs, I am an ESFJ - he is the exact opposite: INTP.  Where I am an extrovert, love to go out and meet people, mingle, be with people - he loves to stay at home.  Where I love to interact, talk and have company - he likes his own space.  He is a Thinker while I am a Feeler - it's like we are talking a different language and while I communicate in an Emotional Language that he doesn't understand and often ridicules or brushes aside, he processes things logically and rationally so that we cannot see eye-to-eye about a vast number of issues.  While I am very structured and like routine and to plan - he is all over the place, easy-going and difficult to pin down, procrastinates and puts things off to the last minute.  My approach makes him anxious.  His approach makes me frustrated and anxious.
6. Love Language - if you have ever studied relationships and "The 5 Love Languages" then you will know what I'm talking about when I say that I feel most loved when I am given Quality Time and Physical Affection.  I still cannot figure out my ex's but if I had to put my money somewhere, I would say that his would be Serving and Gifts.  When we were married, I hated the fact that when I was watching TV he would be on the computer and vice versa.  If we happened to share the lounge, he would be in a separate chair while I was on the couch.  If we were out in public he would never take my hand or put an arm around me when we were at a family function.  Physical affection in those circumstances were always initiated by me.  Since he was promoted in his job and our son was born, he's been trying to work all God's hours to try and meet our ever-pressing financial demands as parents.  This means that he has very little time for our son let alone himself and it's only fair that those should be his priorities.  But as we've been talking over attending marriage counselling, he still pays me little attention.  The time we spend is handing our son over and discussing him briefly, or perhaps a few minutes conversation about our work.  He often shows little interest in my world and seems totally pre-occupied with his.  I often wonder (especially with his anxiety-disorder and the level of stress he can/cannot handle) whether there is actually room for me in his world.  Rightly or wrongly (with regards to our present marital status) it makes me feel neglected and I worry that should we restore our marriage I would end up lonely and neglected.  I'm also not sure how best to love him - I feel at a complete loss as to what he needs from me besides "not nagging" or "not criticizing" - perhaps he needs encouragement?  But it's difficult to know because he's not always good at communicating those needs and I think, not always good at understanding himself.  He is certainly adverse to "emotional discussions" as that's just not how he works and he avoids it as much as possible and finds it very draining.
7. We have lost the best parts of our relationship - our friendship.  Through our separation (those who have gone through a marriage break-up will know how sour it can become) we lost all the good parts of our relationship in terms of companionship, warmth, good times, humour.  As I've mentioned, it now literally consists of discussing our son's care and the logistics of that - there is virtually no time at all invested in our relationship with one another.
8. My ex is on serious anti-depressants that completely affect his libido and lower his sex drive and passion for sex.  When I first met him he was very passionate.  However, he has been on these for a long time and although not as passionate as I would like, there was still interest.  Since our separation he has shown no interest in me sexually whatsoever.  That may not be a surprise again considering our marital status but in those 18mths he has not had sex with anyone else, tells me he doesn't miss sex and I can tell by the way he looks at me (or doesn't look at me) that he barely notices me even in instances when most men would!  This concerns me for two reasons - one being that I feel loved by physical affection and the second that I am extremely passionate, have a very healthy sex drive (my friends who know me as the author of this blog really didn't want to know that, sorry!) and it's extremely important to me.  Being in a sexless or very passionless or sexually dull marriage would be simply hideous.  While he may say that the reason for his lack of interest is due to our unresolved issues, built-up resentment and ongoing conflict (understandable) - I'm still concerned that either he won't trust me emotionally to overcome it or the physical deficiencies are such that it will never be more than mediocre.  To me this is more than just meeting a physical need that I have, but emotional needs as well and the rejection I have experienced in this department has been painful for me.
9. The cost to me.  My marriage was embarrassingly brief and in that time I fell pregnant and had my first child.  It's difficult to separate the marriage and the adjustment of being a mother for the first time, but certainly the difficulties we were having in our marriage contributed to my post-natal depression.  My self-esteem was so low, I hated myself.  I totally lost who I was.  As many counsellors say "if the cost of being with your partner is yourself then the price is too high".  Could be a Dr. Phil-ism.  Either way, I am not prepared to go through that again.  Separating made me like myself again.  A little bit of counselling helped me see myself again and make room for me in my life.  A whole range of things have helped me heal from the depression and dating helped me realise that I am attractive both physically and in my personality.  But I know that I am vulnerable still and I fear being in the place that I was when I was with my ex-husband.
10. My son is 2 years old.  All he has ever known is being a child of two parents who adore him but live separately.  We are his most favourite people in all the world.  Should we get back together again and it doesn't work, how painful will it be and emotionally scarring if we were to separate again?  The first time he was just 9mths but this time he is much older and much more aware.  I worry about the risk we would be taking should we decide to give it a go.

Perhaps you can see from the reasons above why I have not bothered to turn to marriage counselling when the subject has come up or why I have concluded that there is no hope for us when I have considered it.  Perhaps you are wondering why I am considering it now - and I can assure you there are days where I wonder that myself.  So why am I going ahead with it?

1. I fell in-love with my ex-husband and it was the kind of love that despite everything that has happened between us, and with all the feelings that have dissipated due to our history and circumstances, I still love him.  It's the kind of love that's more than loyalty.  I guess you could say it's unconditional love.  I believe I will always love him.  Maybe I won't with time and if I found someone else to love.  But it's a love that goes with the commitment you make in marriage to someone that is very very deep.
2. Marriage means a lot to me.  Probably a lot to do with the Christian faith I have held.  I don't treat it lightly and in many ways the most devastating part of separating from my husband was the failure of an institution I believed in and was committed to.
3. With this in mind, I have wondered whether I gave up too easily.  Not to say that we hadn't tried relationship counselling a few times - just that it wasn't very helpful at the time and I wondered that with the right kind of help whether we might be able to resolve our issues.  In fairness, it's not that I "gave up too easily" (because I think I have actually been extremely loyal to my ex perhaps to my own detriment - I probably should have set more boundaries - and put up with a lot of things other's wouldn't dream of putting up with); it's the nagging doubt about whether I have in fact tried everything that I could.  And to that I'd have to say I haven't.  I want to be able to look myself in the mirror, and my son in the eye and say I tried everything I could.
4. I know if it's possible to mend our marriage, then it's the most ideal situation for our son (bearing in mind that a marriage full of abuse or conflict is worse for our son than separation!)
5. My ex-husband and I have both expressed a willingness to go to marriage counselling and a willingness to change the things about ourselves that need to change in order for it to work.  Now whether or not this is true for my ex-husband (in the past he has agreed to anger management, counselling and marriage counselling and then found excuses not to go or attended and been half-hearted when in the counsellor's room) remains to be seen.  And whether or not we are in fact able to change sufficiently to make it work also remains to be seen.

Perhaps most important of all is that I have trust in the counsellor we will be seeing.  Trust that he will be able to view our situation in all of its complexities and tell us the truth.  Regardless of the outcome, I know it's something that I have to do as long as my husband is also willing and wanting to do it.

Another Up-Date

So Digger-Nutbar thing fizzled.  Not because he was a Nutbar but because I just wasn't into him.  It reminded me a lot of when I was 19 and my best friend (guy) declared he was in-love with me.  I had a connection with him emotionally, intellectually but not physically.  He convinced me it was a good thing for me to do (to be with him) and the very best thing for me - so I dated him for about two months... but my heart really wasn't in it.  It would be mean of me to call Digger-Nutbar Mr. Moobs (but personally I think it's the perfect name!) so we will just leave it at that.

The date he got so uptight about actually cancelled on me - apparently his daughter injured herself and he had to rush off to attend to her right before we were due to meet.  I was very good about it but inwardly suspicious.  Sure enough I have not heard from him to arrange the "rain check" he had requested.

There's another guy who has asked me out to dinner and I have said a tentative yes but to be honest I probably won't go.  I'm totally unenthusiastic.  I am about to book tickets to Nelson where my ex and I will be having marriage counselling so my mind is really pre-occupied with that.

For many of you that have been following this journey with interest, you may well be put off internet dating or anything similar in which the meeting has been pre-arranged.  But I have this to say about it - I actually met my ex-husband through the internet.  At the time there were certain things I wanted in a man (because of the choices I had made in my life and the direction I was going in) that meant the field was very narrow, and so was what I was looking for - but when I saw his profile I was immediately interested and excited.  He was attractive, he was intelligent to talk to, he had a lovely nature, he had similar values and there was one thing in particular that we had in common that I was looking for at that time that was rare in a person.  Those first 6-8 weeks were special.  There were sparks, we fell in-love, we have wonderful memories of all the dates we went on and two and a half years later, we were married.  And I am just one of many success stories (except of course our's has [thus far] not ended in success ultimately).

I think the difference between my experience now and my experience then was the way that I approached it.  At that time I was very specific with what I wanted.  That's not to say that I had a long ridiculous list about personality, financial situation, employment, looks or education.  But I had a few specific things that I stuck to in terms of similarities in faith, in direction and in values.  This time around I have cast my net wide and was prepared to meet anyone who looked attractive and seemed intelligent and hoped for chemistry.  My ex was the 2nd date I went on - this time I had 17 dates and often saw a different man every week.  I remember taking 2hrs (or could have been half a day) to get ready for the first date with my ex, buying new clothes and being really excited.  It was special.  This time around the enthusiasm and anticipation has only been there with two men - both of which I felt chemistry for upon meeting them.  I think perhaps I know deep down the kind of man I am really looking for but because it's rare to find, I have not kept to it.  Dating has become a chore because I'm meeting loads of men that I'm just not into.  I've wondered if it was because I was too picky.

Another thought I have had was to do with chemistry.  You will notice on the right hand column there is a poll about chemistry - some call it "spark" - whether you believe it has to be there right from the beginning, or whether it can develop over time.  I think I put too much emphasis on spark in the first date in some respects but on the other hand, when I consider Mr. Yummy, Date #8 and my ex there was enough of a spark for me in that first date to know that I definitely wanted to see them again.  It doesn't come along very often, sure, but that's the way it's supposed to be.  Love and falling in-love is meant to be special.

It's time for me to regroup, remind myself who I am and what I really want in my life and in a partner, and take a step back from this crazy whirlwind of dating...

I sure hope I won't make it to 54 first dates - but if I continue in the way I'm approaching it, I'm certain I will...

The Return of Date #16 "Digger or Nutbar?"

Some of you might be horrified to know that Date #16 has returned into my life.  You know the one that we all decided was insane?  We came in contact recently and he explained to me that he got angry with the guy tailgating us as he thought he was speeding and going to crash into us and wanted him to pass us so that we'd be safe.  I of course had a different perspective but he assured me that he didn't generally get angry like that.  He said I had pushed his buttons but he had reacted badly (more or less).  He told me it would not happen again.  This is the short version of a long discussion about the ins and outs of what happened and the dynamics between us.  He wanted to start over.

What would you do?  One blog reader suggested a name for this particular date as "Digger" because he "dug me" :)  So is he a Digger or a Nutbar?

So if so far you are leaning towards Nutbar (for both of us) then you will be more horrified to learn that the Fifth Date did in fact occur.  At my house.  I had reasoned that the entire event happened two weeks before and he had not stalked me, had posted my phone back to me as he said he would, knew my address and phone numbers but never called me or came around.  And because I have to hire a babysitter to go out in the evening and my son is currently not sleeping (taking 2-3hrs to settle at the moment), it was the only way I could see him if that's what I wanted to do.

By the time he arrived we had cleared the air between us - not saying I'd forgotten about it or that I wasn't wary or unsure, but there was no bad blood between us and believe it or not we had an amazing evening.  We drank wine and "Tequila Sunrise" cocktails (yuck) while watching the DVD "The Help".  So I found myself cuddled up on the couch to him as I put my son back to bed (climbing out of his bed) over and over again.  He held my hand and asked me if I was ok (because it was exhausting) and told me not to apologize.  Finally my son went to sleep.  Towards the end of the movie (if you have watched "The Help") it gets a bit emotional - and not for the first time, found the Digger-Nutbar(?) crying at some very poignant moment.  I have never seen a man cry in a movie before I don't think - and I have to say I cried too when the little girl cries (it's a mother's heart thing).  Not to mention throughout the movie he was stroking my hair and my face and telling me how much he had missed me and how beautiful I was and how much he adored me and that I was his "dream girl".  It's been a long time since I've been treated like that I can assure you...

Anyway, the sour moment eventually came when he asked me whether I had been on any dates and whether I was seeing anyone else and I said that I had a date planned and I couldn't cancel it.  The result was that he got upset and ended up leaving.  I tried to explain that it was too soon for me to decide anything about him and I guess in his mind he wanted to pick up where we'd left off.

As it was, I had to cancel my other date due to my son's sleeping (and not being able to get a babysitter because he wouldn't cope with it at the moment) and suggested we reschedule however I haven't heard back from him and wonder if he's got a bit sick of me.  I have a feeling I've rescheduled with him before, I can't remember.

I have to say that when it comes to Nutbar-Digger I kind of dig him too.  I love the conversations we have, I love how into me he is and I like spending time with him.  Physically I'm attracted to him except that he's overweight.  He's at the gym and exercising but do people really change that much?  If he lost a bit of weight I think I'd find him really sexy.  But if he didn't?  Physical attraction is important, I don't care what people say.  And the biggest problem I have is that apart from his big tummy he has moobs.  Yes, moobs.  I have never dated anyone with moobs before.

So what are your thoughts?  Is he a Nutbar or a Digger?  Is it worth considering despite the Moobs?

Date #17 "The Toy Boy"

So I phoned a guy I was talking to a while ago thinking it was a work colleague (I had neither of their names recorded in my phone) and when I realised who it was we got talking and agreed to go for a drink.

We met at the pub in Greenhithe and I thought he looked cute - I felt a bit nervous, but we fell into easy conversation - him over a beer and me over a sparkling Jacobs Creek Rose - the perfect drink for a summer afternoon.  I thought it went really well...  we laughed, talked about a lot of things and got on really well.  He was 28yrs old, had a good job, was interesting and funny and I really wanted to see him again despite how much younger he was than me.  He was not looking for something casual as most men his age would be - he genuinely wanted to find someone he could settle down with.  He gave me a hug as we said goodbye and said he'd message me.

That afternoon I got a text saying "So...thoughts?" and I replied saying "I had a nice time, you?"  No reply came back very quickly.  I knew he was at a BBQ but after a while I couldn't resist texting "or are you going to keep me in suspense?" to which he replied "Lol, sorry... yeah I had a good time too."

Me being me and can't stand the power games, I asked him if he wanted to see me again.  His reply was "Yeah, possibly..."

What is that?  After we both had a nice time and he hugged me and texted me he then is ambiguous about whether or not he wants to see me again?  I had to draw the conclusion that he just wasn't that into me and so I didn't reply and have left it at that - but pretty disappointed.

Date #16 "The 4th Date"

So Date #16 changed his mind and insisted we go out - he even picked me up - but I made it clear that I would pay for my own dinner to which he was verbally grateful (sigh).  I put a frock on and he took me to a Thai Restaurant in Ponsonby.  On the way there I did tease him about a few things and I guess I didn't realise that it could have upset him but he didn't say anything.  An example was when we were searching for a park and he tooted at a carload of girls in front of him for going too slow while pulling out from a give way and yelled out the window "go!" or whatever at them...  I was honestly embarrassed and told him so.  Another time was when he told me to stop talking while he was reversing into a park (parallel parking) and he said he wasn't good at reversing and had to concentrate.  I teased him saying we all have our little quirks... but meant nothing by it.  By the time I got out of the car he had crossed the road and it was clear that there was something wrong.  I said "are you OK?" and after the second time he said that if I asked him that again he was going to blow up at me.  So we walked largely in silence up to the restaurant as I was a bit taken aback by the change in direction the date was now going.

After the exhausting afternoon with my toddler I just felt like crying to be honest, but he made small talk and we seemed to make a recovery enough to enjoy our meal together.  Most beautiful green thai curry I've had in a long time.  A trip to the supermarket after that was uneventful as we walked arm in arm or hand in hand.  With the weather clearing up and it still relatively early he suggested we light the bonfire anyway so I bought a bottle of wine.

It was back in the car on the way home that things started to unravel again.  We had started a conversation about sex and condoms and in the space of maybe 20 seconds he informed me that he had diabetes, that it affected his performance and followed this with a defensive comment that I now can't remember - but said it all quite angrily which made my eyes go wide with surprise and was totally lost for speech apart from perhaps stating "Oh my gosh!"  which I think he misunderstood as my reaction to the information he had just given me but was in fact the reaction to the sudden blurting of this information followed by an angry defensive comment made at me.  All I could say was "you just told me all of that in 20 seconds and that's a lot of information to process all at once!" but I don't think he understood still and started to have a go at me for the way I reacted. Then said that he'd been "biting his tongue" all night bringing up the incidence of tooting at the girls in the car and said that I was critical and over-react to things or make a big emotional drama out of stuff that is unimportant.  His rant continued and he started to speak down to me like a child, suggesting that I was emotionally immature compared to him and lacked some intelligence in this department.  He started sounding very much like a cross parent giving me a lecture for behaving very badly and started to say that he was taking me home.  Mostly I was in shocked silence.  He went on about how I had made him feel bad and that he didn't like who he was with me, that he hated conflict and that I had some major flaws in my personality.  From memory, my responses were to tell him that he was speaking down to me like I was a child and it came across as very arrogant.  He agreed with me but said it was the only way he could talk to me.  He said he was very angry and that he was not going to change his tone.  If I wanted to talk about it, then he was going to continue using an angry tone of voice because he was very angry.  I mumbled something about understanding that he felt criticized and how I hadn't any intention of doing that - to which he had a go at me for assuming I knew how he felt!  The conversation seemed to point to the fact that I had "brought this all on" by poking at him (by the teasing).  So I apologized for that - and by the third time he seemed to accept it and calm down and we were heading to his place for the bonfire.

Now before you think I am absolutely crazy for going to his place for the bonfire, I have in my defence two things:  First, I was a little bit tipsy from the wine.  Second, I have been accused of similar things by my husband and it is actually something about my personality that I wanted to work on - so despite his reaction I paid attention to what he was saying for this reason.  However, you have to understand that I was feeling uneasy and concerned.  He said to me that we needed to talk about it and resolve it but that he was feeling very sick due to the bag of lollies he'd just eaten (being Diabetic).

By now we were on Scenic Drive.  Now if you know anything about Scenic Drive, you will know that it is not well-lit open road.  Date #16 went around the roundabout and started on the stretch along Scenic Drive.  Just before a curve in the road he started complaining about the car behind tailgating us and then suddenly stopped dead in the middle of the road with 5 or more cars backing up behind him and just sat there.  I can't remember what I said apart from "What are you doing?" and covering my eyes.  He started ranting about the "boy racer" behind him tailgating and then yelled out the window "PASS YOU CUNT!"  bearing in mind that he could not safely pass since we were right before a corner and there were no passing lanes and Scenic Drive is not only windy but often narrow as well.  It felt like several minutes passed and I cannot tell you how terrified I was in that moment because the whole scene felt like sheer lunacy and after the rants that he'd been on prior to this I had no idea what this man was capable of but I wanted out.  With my eyes still covered as he finally started moving, he started to try and reassure me not to be scared as if I was scared of the boy racers behind me but I said to him that I was terrified and that I wanted to be dropped off at the beach which we were not far from.  He said he would turn around and drop me off at Titirangi shops and started ranting at me again about how I was f-ing psycho and that I had been playing mind games with him all night.  He said that he didn't want me to say anything about him to anyone (he meant on the dating websites because this has apparently happened to him before) and that he knew how to ruin my life if I did.  He said not to phone him up whimpering to come and get me and not to ever contact him ever again and that I was nuts that I wanted to be dropped off in the dark in the middle of nowhere but I said I would call my ex-husband to come and get me.  I assured him that I wouldn't contact him and asked that we just drive in silence till Titirangi but he didn't let up.  Totally frazzled I grabbed my things when we finally got to the shops and got out of the car and he drove away.  Searching my bag I immediately realised that I didn't have my mobile phone and it must have fallen out in the car.  I thought maybe I could use a pay phone but wasn't sure if they accepted coins so I approached some guys to ask for their phone and explained a bit.  They looked concerned but didn't immediately help me so I went across the road to the only remaining store open in the whole shopping centre, which happened to be a cafe that was closing and packing up.

After briefly explaining they kindly let me use their phone and I phoned my ex-husband and he told me he would come and get me.  While I waited, the staff talked to me about what happened and gave me a drink while I waited which was very kind of them.  Titirangi is like that - had I been dropped off in another Auckland suburb I could well have been in very big trouble without a phone and without a car.

My ex-husband was angry at me for getting myself into a mess but good about it and drove to Date #16's house in the hope that he could pick up my phone for me.  The lights in his house were on but the moment my ex knocked on the door the lights seemed to go out and my ex-husband decided that it was all madness at that time of night and he'd try and pick it up the next day.

The next day I got these emails:

"I take it that you left your phone in my car to cause me further trouble.  It'll be on a courier on Monday to your house.  Don't contact me again" followed by "I refuse to believe that you sat there talking to your friend and did not see me while I stood in front of you at my gate holding your phone up asking you to get out and come and get it. The games you play are ridiculous.  Courier on Monday. Tough luck if you need it before then, I don't want you at my house again."

Then I got a phonecall on my landline with him offering to bring my phone over to my house.  I said to him that my ex-husband was wanting to pick it up from him that morning.  At that point he asked me why I couldn't see him in the dark waving at us while our headlights were on and that he'd thrown the phone at us and we'd nearly driven over it as we drove away.  My ex believes that we definitely would have seen him (despite the dark) and personally I think that he turned the lights out the moment he heard a knock at the door because he was scared and didn't want to have his 5'6" self meet with my 6'2" husband and so came up with this half-baked story.  But who knows.  Anyway he said he didn't want a scene and said he'd bring the phone to me but I said I didn't want him to come over.  His reply was then "F- you then, and f- your phone" and hung up.

A bit later my ex tried to call him several times on both landline and mobile but there was no reply or he rejected the call.  Finally a text message came through asking that we stop calling him and the phone was in the post.  In his text message he suggested that I "go and practice my insanity somewhere else."  He has blocked me on facebook, via email and everywhere else (which is fine with me!)  What is astonishing about the whole thing is the way that he treated me as though I were the one behaving insanely!  My ex-husband laughed at the whole story (as well as being angry at him obviously) and said he was a lunatic.

So I either get my phone back in the post hopefully, or else have to write it all off as a bad experience.

Since the ordeal, I have had time to think about it naturally.  We once talked about our personalities and he said to me that he was the Myers Briggs personality type ENTP.  If you look that personality type up here:  http://typelogic.com/entp.html it described Date #16 very well.  But there are a few more things that I'd have to add about him.  One is that he is extremely sensitive to criticism and that tells me that there's some insecurity issues there.  The other is that he is very controlling and domineering and even admitted that to me during our argument in the car.  Based on his personality-type I'm thinking the argument was like a game to him that he was going to win no matter what, even if it meant that he had to completely dominate me into submission psychologically.  I don't know if that makes any sense to you as I can assure you it was confusing for me - I have not met a personality like this before - but I certainly felt like I was caught up in a mind game with someone who was very clever but clearly also had issues with his temper (despite denying it) and could not be trusted.

With my profiles on all dating sites now closed or deleted thus ends my internet dating journey at this point.

Date #16 "The 3rd Date"

In our conversation the night before Date #16 had told me how attractive he found me, how beautiful he thought my skin, my eyes, my hair was - how he adored my personality.  I cannot tell you how lovely it is to hear those things and how it makes me feel.  Particularly when you have had a husband and ex-husband seemingly disinterested in you physically and emotionally and has on many occasions attacked my personality and my self-esteem.  Now I'm not stupid, I know that everything is always at it's best in the beginning but I'm sure you can appreciate how nice it is in contrast to what I've had.

It's hard to explain the conversation we'd had the night of our previous date except to say that it's the kind of heart-to-heart conflict that you might have with your boyfriend several months down the track.  It was not the kind of conversation you have after a 2nd date if you want to have a third.  However, we resolved it and talked it through and it made me feel better that we understood each other.  Consequently, I spent my day at work with him at the back of my mind and it made me smile.  I texted him and said "I don't feel like working, I feel like coming over and seeing you."  His reply was "so come over!"  So we agreed that after work and my picking up my son from daycare, we'd all go to the beach and have fish and chips together.  It sounded like a lovely idea in theory.  Unfortunately, my 2yo had not had a nap at daycare and by the time we got to the beach he was in fine form.  He lasted the 15mins at the playground okay but it was downhill from there.  He needed to go to bed and I had suggested we go for a drive to see if he'd drop off to sleep.  Unfortunately this became a drive of incessant crying coming from the back seat so I redirected our destination to the supermarket where I could buy a dummy (since I didn't have one with me).  Fortunately, Date #16 decided to seek out the loo rather than join us in the supermarket because my 2yo decided to have a total meltdown and wasn't the least bit interested in the dummy.  Only parents of toddlers understand these kinds of meltdowns.  Everyone else thinks you have a total brat for a child and are the worst parent on the planet and since Date #16 does not have children, I was very glad that the meltdown was not witnessed by him in addition to all the crying and grizzling thus far.

So I should have taken him home and got him to bed and written off the whole occasion right?  Well fortunately I got the dummy into him finally (after the tantrum he threw coming off the Barney the Dinosaur ride at the mall) and he eventually sat quietly despite the peak hour traffic on the way home followed by watching Dora at Date #16's house very happily.  So from that point on we had a lovely time together.

I'm liking him.  I'm starting to enjoy it.  But I'm also feeling a bit guilty and torn about my marriage and whether I should be taking up the window of opportunity to possibly fix it.  But in order to do that I would have to break things off with this guy and what happens if I break it off and the marriage is un-fixable?  Then again, what happens if things with this guy fizz and I've lost the last opportunity to fix my marriage?  My ex-husband has been stalling this week about whether or not to go to marriage counselling despite last week being all for it (prior to meeting Date #16) because of a fight we had.  So today I made the decision to tell him  that we can just sit on it for now and revisit the idea later.  If things fizz with this guy then I can rethink whether it's something I want to do.  If things don't, I'll have to tell him I've found someone.  But I have to admit there is this nagging doubt inside me - am I doing the right thing?  Am I missing an opportunity to sort my marriage even though it has huge problems and would need a lot of work if there was any possibility of it being healed?

Second thing is, Date #16 is between jobs.  Others might call it unemployed.  It sounds bad but in fact he's had two job offers but turned them down as he can afford to wait and find the right one since work generally picks up in February apparently.  But in the meantime, it's very apparent that he has a very small budget making references to whether he has enough money for petrol when taking us up to the supermarket, the fact that so far I seem to be meeting him in places that are either very close to where he lives or at his house, and the fact that when he asks me over he often asks me to "bring something".  So not only am I paying for all the petrol to see him, I'm also having to contribute to whatever we eat/drink when I'm there!  I did let him pay for the fish and chips, but he got so little it was clear he couldn't afford much so when he suggested icecreams, I paid for those and he was very pleased about that.  It just makes me feel uncomfortable.  I hate a man talking about how broke he is - I'd rather he kept it to himself and figured out a way to make it work.  Lord knows I'm not strapped for cash being a single mother - but I find a way to see someone without it breaking the bank (though I know it's expensive) or telling them how broke I am (or making it obvious that I'm broke!)

So now here we have a problem.  I had a babysitter booked for Friday night and was going to a party where I didn't know anyone.  Date #16 didn't want to go with me so invited me over for a bonfire at his place instead.  It sounded fun so I agreed!  I was thinking toasted marshmallows...  but then the weather has packed up and so had to make alternative arrangements.  He has said that he is "budget conscious" and therefore doesn't seem to want to go out but has offered to make me dinner at his place.  Being a single mother with the rare opportunity to go out thanks to a babysitter I have suggested that I go do something and see him later.  He has read that as the cold shoulder.  Can't wait till he gets a bloody job!

Date #16 "The 2nd Date"

So after work I went to see Date #16 (I need a name for him - please feel free to make comments below with your suggestions).  It was lunchtime and I was knocking off early as I'd worked extremely late the day before.  He had told me he had coffee and some hideous vodka/lemon drink so to bring whatever I wanted to drink.  Now in my view it is nice if people you're inviting over bring something with them, but to me when you invite someone to your place they are your guest and you show hospitality by catering for them.  So I asked if he'd had lunch and he hadn't so I picked up some things for lunch and went over.

We sat outside on the deck in the sunshine with a beautiful view of the ocean and bush all around us and sipped our hideous vodka/lemon drinks and ate smoked salmon and cream cheese bagels.  I wasn't as comfortable as the first time we met but still had some good conversation.  We watched a movie together, cuddled up a bit and then I went home.  The entire time that we had physical contact I had knots in my stomach, felt anxious and scared.  I didn't realise until I was driving home and the knots in my stomach unravelling just how wound up I was.  We talked about it on the phone that night.  I couldn't really get to the bottom of why I felt like that except that perhaps I felt it was going too fast.  To make matters more complicated, my ex-husband and I had been talking about marriage counselling but had not reached any conclusion about whether or not we would go (bearing in mind we have been separated for 18 months).  I hadn't told my date this because I know that if I did he would be gone in a flash but it was in the back of my mind.

Date #16 "The Last of the Online Dates?"

For weeks now I have been in touch with that other guy from Find Someone.  Via facebook, text messages and emails.  However, I was not in a rush to meet him.  My cynicism towards internet dating and blind dates had led me to believe that it didn't work for many people - and didn't work for me.  Internet dating is appealling because it's difficult to meet people that you might like to date - that might be suited to you and it feels like a shortcut to finding a relationship.  However, it is quite an unnatural way to meet someone.  Firstly, to get to know someone whether online or by phone or by text when you don't know them and then to meet that stranger face-to-face is unusual by itself - but then so many people make a decision based on that first meeting as to whether that person is right for them or if they'll ever see them again.  Many people including myself.

While I agree that there has to be "some level of spark" from the beginning - I think the expectation that you're going to know whether or not there's any potential there within that first meeting is unrealistic and unfair.  If you find them unattractive physically or their personality a turn-off or some major issue, sure.  But if you get along well at that first meeting, it's hard to say what might develop.

It just feels like the pressure is there to make up your mind early on.  It seems that by date 3 or 4 or onwards there is the expectation that you might go to bed with them so between dates 1 (where you first meet) and 3/4 somehow you've got to know whether this has potential or not and your date is likely to want to take it to a physical level in any dates beyond that first one.  For me personally, I want to know how I feel about a person before I go along with that - so again, there's a lot of pressure for me to make up my mind early on.

I think for me, unless there are huge sparks like in the case of Mr. Yummy, internet dating is too unnatural and doesn't work for me.  I felt the same with Speed Dating.  The alternative is bound to take much longer (meeting someone socially at a party or whatever) - and with the Kiwi Male Reserve (or shyness?) and the Male Drought it could be a long wait - but that may have to be the way it is.

However, Date #16.  In my communication we had bantered backwards and forwards about dating and relating topics and I'd mentioned that I didn't know really what I wanted and had decided I wasn't really interested in dating but in making friends.  Despite this, he seemed keen to meet with me as a friend and we met for coffee today.  I had enjoyed the banter backwards and forwards but after 15 previous failures I did not have my hopes up or huge enthusiasm and I couldn't even muster up any nervousness.  I had managed to splash some perfume on and a tiny bit of makeup but I hadn't even washed my hair and my t-shirt and jeans were certainly not well thought out.  Hiding underneath my t-shirt was a vegemite stain my son had given me that morning.  I was passable but not at my best.

I saw him sitting outside the cafe facing the other way so I had time to check him out before he saw me, and to be honest, I thought he looked cute.  A little overweight and a little shorter than what I'd normally go for but attractive nevertheless.  We both smiled at each other and I think we both knew in that moment that neither of us was disappointed.  I was casual and he was casual and we just sat out in the sun sipping our lattes respectively, shooting the breeze and laughing at each other's jokes.  He was intelligent, funny and we talked (not inappropriately) about a few personal things.  He's unique and I have to say that I like unique men.  Interesting men that have their own distinct personality.  He has a bit of a lisp and yet carries himself with confidence.  A mixture of kindness and not taking any crap.

He told me that I made him look good just by sitting next to him, which made me feel good.  And he told me that he thought I was "cool" and he'd like to "hang out" with me, which was nice.  Knowing how I currently feel about dating (that I have told you in this and recent previous posts), he told me in a text message that he did "dig me" (I later told him that was very 1970's of him) and he said my homework was just to relax and be cool with that...

I have to say it's nice to have a little spark with someone, and nice to have that someone be interested in pursuing you - and for that someone to understand where you're at.  I have told him that if things develop too quickly I'm likely to run.  He has responded by reminding me about my homework and told me that too often his experience with women has been that they try to control the life out of a relationship which sends it to an early grave.  He's encouraged me to just see what happens.

We only saw each other for about an hour as I had to go and pick up my son but we're seeing each other again tomorrow - he's invited me to his place for a coffee on his deck while listening to music.  So I'm looking forward to that and trying not to panic or think too far ahead.

Date #15 "The Rejection Letter"

I had by now stopped my membership on the site Find Someone as well, and had only a few guys I was corresponding with.  One seemed a lovely, romantic sort and stood out to me as quite unique.  We talked on the phone a few times and as the result of a few text messages, he announced that he was coming up to Auckland that weekend, did I want to see him (he lived in Tauranga)?  I mentioned that I would have my son with me as I wouldn't have time to make other arrangements and he said that was fine.

We agreed to meet at the Auckland Domain and take a walk in the park.  He had suggested 3pm then suggested 3:30pm as he had a "meeting" in the morning (I'm thinking probably a blind date).  This meant that I could not put my 2yo down for a nap in the afternoon and consequently he was tired.  I had not anticipated how grumpy he would be though but perhaps I should have.  In hindsight I shouldn't have agreed to it at all on the basis that I wouldn't be child-free.  It's the first time I have ever taken my son on a blind date but because he was from out-of-town, I accepted.  My little boy's behaviour was not really naughty (only had one small tantrum that I managed to deal with quickly) but did require so much of my attention and focus and my date's suggestions were not always practical - despite being a father, most parents have forgotten what it's like to have a 2yo or perhaps had less active children.  He had suggested we sit and have a coffee but I knew that my son wouldn't tolerate it so in many ways I felt like I had to take charge and suggest what we did that would keep my son's behaviour at its best!

We managed to talk a little and he asked me a lot of questions about myself which made me think that he was interested, however there was a short lull in the conversation while we were sitting listening to live jazz in the park and afterwards he said he would get going and thanked me for meeting him.  It had only been an hour - maybe 45 minutes.  I knew that it meant he was not interested.  It felt awful.  All those messages where he was talking about how excited he was to meet me and so on, it felt so disappointing.  And I felt frustrated that I was not able to have a date where we could really get to know each other without my son being there and taking up most of my attention.  I wrote him a message as I closed my Find Someone account completely to say that I assumed things were not what he wanted and explained how I felt having my son there and gave him my contact details should he want to stay in touch.  I had left my mobile phone in the park.  By the time I got it back a few days later, I read the message he must have sent when he arrived back in Tauranga - that he "didn't think that it would work" and said I was a good mum and a good man would find me one day etc. etc.

He was a really nice guy.  A gentleman, and I liked him.  I have to say that I don't know if there was anything there because I simply couldn't concentrate on it with my son being there.  But the rejection felt awful I have to say - whatever his reasons.

Up-Date

I should have called Mr. Bond, Mr. Cheerful.  He was eternally upbeat and positive.  If this is your only fault it is of course a blessing - however I found it irritating.  Someone who tries to put a positive spin on every feeling and experience you have can be wearing.

He also had the English reserve I think - so much so that he seemed uncomfortable with personal subjects so I felt like we were constantly having small talk.  But what did I expect?  It had only been a week and some people take longer to get to know than others - especially English compared to Kiwis.  If you haven't travelled, you won't know that Kiwis are notoriously blunt and sometimes found to be so much so as to be considered rude.  But most often I find it refreshing.  I like to know someone and be known.  I was worried that perhaps we'd never know each other on that level.

In addition to this I feel like the physical side of our relationship happened so quickly that I found myself quickly entering into a committed relationship within a week.  I felt a bit smothered and felt like running down the street in the opposite direction.

With all these concerns in the back of my mind and the feeling of wanting to run, I concluded that despite the fact that this man was attractive, intelligent, funny, good to me and into me - perhaps I was just "not that into him."  Or perhaps there was something wrong with me.  Did I really want a relationship?  Was I really ready for a relationship?  I didn't want to be lonely but perhaps I didn't mind being alone after all?  I wanted to fall in-love but was I able to again?  I wanted companionship but I was beginning to hate the dating process.  What did I want?

All these questions and uncertainty led me to change my profile on NZ Dating so that the overwhelming 13+ pages of messages I'd received thus far trickled to the occasional one or two messages from unsuitable undesirables...