Paid Empty Seats To Nelson and Back

So my ex-husband told me today it was "impossible" for him to get off work to go down to Nelson with me to attend marriage counselling.  While I agree his work situation is difficult, at this point I have to ask the question what's more important?  And he knows I'm unable to cancel the flights as I enquired about this with Air NZ. Turns out it would also cost me $150 to change the dates and destination and that I couldn't go with anyone other than my ex-husband since his name is on the ticket and it's non-transferable.  So there goes $500 up in flames.  And if I choose to go on my own and attend at least one counselling session - I will have three lonely days in Nelson by myself (know no one there that I know) with my son paying for our stay down there out of money my ex-husband is saying we don't have.

I have spent the best part of today feeling upset, hurt and rejected while my ex-husband ummed and ahhed about whether or not he was going to go down to Nelson or not.  I thought about why I had considered having marriage counselling with my ex and realised that despite his faults and his contribution, I have felt guilty that my marriage has failed and responsible for its failure.  I felt like I had an obligation to try to make it work in part because I still find it difficult facing up to a failed marriage and humiliation that comes with that.  For the past 18mths I have wondered whether I should attend marriage counselling with my ex.  Early on I said to him that I would not consider him moving back until he'd sought counselling.  In the end he attended a few times and stopped (half-hearted attempt at it) and I ended up agreeing to a few sessions of relationship counselling prior to our son being born and agreed to him coming back home as a result.  Of course, it all turned to custard again and the next time he left I told him I wouldn't have him back unless he'd attended his own counselling or an anger management programme.  He had all the excuses in the world as to why he couldn't do this - and yet he agreed to marriage counselling.  This is the 2nd time he's found a reason not to go to marriage counselling when it came down to attending the appointments.  Both were to do with work.  In the back of my mind there was the nagging doubt "did I do everything I could?"  Today, instead of grief I felt like a weight had lifted off me and the book had finally closed on our marriage.  I can move on without guilt.  I had told him it was our last opportunity and I wasn't going to give him anymore.  His reply?  "Whatever..."

It hurts and it is the ultimate rejection that your husband does not want to try everything possible to make the marriage work.  But perhaps we both had that ambivalence in common?  It's definitely time to let go and move on.  It's all sad and I regret it but what more can I do?  There will be a vacant seat next to me should I go to Nelson highlighting the fact that my husband did not choose me.

Should I go, I will have the counselling to discuss what I contributed to the failing of our marriage and some of the issues I have as a result of that failed marriage.  

Feeling Torn

In exactly one week I board a plane for Nelson.  With the flights booked and paid for, the cost of childcare, accommodation and counselling alone will cost money we honestly don't have and I am getting cold feet.  It's not just the money causing the cold feet either.  It's also the fact that my ex-husband has basically spent no time with me at all and shown no interest in doing so - literally dropping our son off or picking him up and going with no more than a brief exchange.  Some days I barely hear from him except for occasionally to establish that we are ok to appease his anxious mind (alive and well).  And the one time we have spent literally an hour together, we argue.

The other reason is that despite the fact that I have changed my profile on the internet dating sites I've joined (but not a paying member) to say that I'm not interested in a relationship at this stage, just friendship - I have nevertheless chatted with probably 5 men all of whom seem very promising in terms of looks and intelligence but at the moment there is one in particular that is standing out to me.  We have been messaging back on forth and "getting to know each other" which has been building very slowly...  He is a father of two children, the youngest is 2yo same as mine.  He has full custody or day-to-day care because their mother couldn't cope with them.  That struck me immediately because I am always impressed with fathers that are devoted to their children - not that it's a given just because he has custody of them but as I read his profile and got to know him it is very obvious.  To me it says a lot about a person's character: their kindness, their love, their commitment, their willingness to sacrifice.  Yes these are all things most mothers do naturally but it still impresses me in a man.  And in fact we have a lot in common in that we both have had to take the bulk of the childcare on our shoulders because the other parent has not been able to cope with too much responsibility.  Neither of us has much in the way of family support.  Neither of us gets much of a break.  Sure, this makes for practical problems when it comes to dating but it's something that we've had in common and can relate to one another.

He has a Lawnmowing Business.  Although the Business side of it won't be, the trade/service itself certainly doesn't take a lot of brain-power so I wondered whether in fact he was at all intelligent.  And I certainly felt a bit concerned when he said "I'm taking the kids to Dennys for Breakfast - have you heard of it?"  Who hasn't? But as we've got talking, he tells me that he is an avid reader and frequents book stores including 2nd hand bookstores and reads a whole range of literature - lately it has been history.  This says a lot to me because when you are widely read, you usually have a good general knowledge and therefore often have something to contribute to a whole range of topics of conversations.  My ex-husband is not well-educated - he left high school at age 15 and never completed a tertiary qualification but he is an intelligent man for the exact same reason.  He is widely read, researches topics, loves history and so on.  He has a Managerial role currently and I think that if it wasn't for his anxiety he would be an extremely capable man.

So while my ex-husband has not shown a lot of interest in spending time with me or talking with me, I have been coming home from work or putting Nathan to bed and going to speak with Mr. Lawnmower-Man.  And after that argument my ex and I had when we did actually spend time together - it was nice to have such an easy, pleasant conversation with this other guy who was genuinely interested in what I had to say.

I haven't met him and I haven't made plans to meet him but he said a comment to me tonight that I found made me feel excited:  he said "You had better be careful young lady you may get me falling for you!" I replied that he's not allowed to simply because a) we hadn't met and b) I wanted to start out being friends to which he replied that I was a clever young lady (and wise) and "don't you change!"  But inwardly I was excited.  It's been gradual and warm and respectful and he strikes me as quiet and gentle but not boring or a pushover.  He comes across that way but I'm very aware that what people are like in person can be a different thing altogether!

We haven't made any plans to meet or even talk on the phone.  Neither of us has brought it up.  I haven't for obvious reasons, but clearly he's happy to let things go along slowly as they are.  But here's the dilemma... I haven't met him and even if I had I won't know for some time (I would think) whether there's potential there with this guy or any other guy.  But the fact that I consider it makes me question my own commitment to trying to make my marriage work.  I feel extremely ambivalent as to whether I want to even try - both of us would have to change dramatically.  Both of us would have to work on our individual issues that pushed the others' buttons.  We would have to continue marriage counselling for a year I would think to deal with all the issues there.  It would be extremely hard work.  In the meantime, there's nothing there right at this point in time that is good between us.  There's barely even a friendship - we don't spend time together, we fight when we do (most of the time), there's certainly no physical affection or apparent sexual attraction on his part (though he assures me he finds me attractive - but it's clear at the moment he doesn't "want me").  Besides loyalty to him, the fact that he's my son's father and commitment to the institution of marriage - I don't know why I'm going.

I think if I'm altogether honest, I had questioned myself whether I had given it all I could, and had maybe a sense of conscience about that but also the matter rose out of the fact that I had become sick of the dating game and found myself alone.  That is such a selfish reason but if I'm honest, it's definitely part of the reason I decided to embark on this journey.  I know that in some ways I would like for the counsellor to look at our situation and tell us it's over.  On the other hand, I know I would experience grief and sadness if that were the case.  I'm also concerned that after all the counselling, hard work and dealing with our issues - the best we can achieve is a marriage that is literally a friendship.  Having shared these concerns with my ex-husband, he has said himself that there are no guarantees that we will have a loving relationship where there is a connection between us emotionally, physically and sexually.  He has told me that currently he avoids spending time with me because he finds our exchanges full of drama and difficulty and he finds it draining.  I said to him if we are going to work on our marriage it will no doubt be draining and he would need to spend time with me.  So I'm just not even sure he's up to the task.

It seems like a very high price to pay to attempt to work out our marriage:  not just financially but also the fact that I will no doubt continue to be lonely as we continue in counselling for about a year - and will not be able to date or see or consider other men - would have to give up anyone I have currently met or been in contact with, and instead live an affection-free, sex-free, intimacy-free life doing the hard yards with my ex for a while.  Then there's the energy it requires to work on our relationship.  And for what?  No guarantees whatsoever.

My ex-husband has expressed grave concerns about us going to Nelson and spending $1000 that we don't have on flights, accommodation, counselling and childcare and being in debt to both my mother and the counsellor by trying to pay them back when we barely can make ends meet (either of us).  Having looked up the conditions of our flights - it looks likely that I will cancel the flights.  Whether we instead accept telephone counselling by this counsellor in Nelson at a later stage when we can afford it, I don't know.  It's very confusing.  I am completely torn about the whole thing.  My ex-husband wants me to think about it and give an answer tomorrow.

I haven't given a good case for going to Nelson except in my previous blog posting "10 Reasons Not To Date Your Husband" or whatever I called it - further down below those reasons I gave reasons why I was considering marriage counselling.

Some of you blog readers are strangers to me, some are friends.  Regardless, I'd appreciate your feedback while I consider again whether or not to go to Nelson and have the counselling, remain in Auckland and just pay for telephone counselling with this particular counsellor (whose style of counselling I believe is our best chance) or flag the whole thing.

The Digger is a Nutbar

So I got this text last night from Date #16 saying that he assumed I wasn't interested in a relationship then since he hadn't heard from me.  I replied saying that I really didn't want to be in a relationship at the moment while I sort myself out.  He said that was a shame because he really liked me.  He then offered friends with benefits or friends that f***.  I said I wasn't interested in casual sex.  I then got message after message telling me that I was a fat, greasy sl*t and that I acted like I was sooo pretty but I really wasn't and that he saw I was a train wreck right from the beginning.  And when I didn't reply he said "and don't act all waaaaaaaah just because I'm calling you out for being a cow."  He seems to have this kind of reaction whenever I have in any way not given him what he wants or in same way rejected him (even though not once did I say any personal criticism towards him but gave reasons that were entirely about myself!)

Even if I was attracted to him physically (which I'm not), men like this are dangerous.  There are two extremes to their personality.  On the one hand they can be charming, attentive, caring, sweet.  On the other hand they can be the most cruel, angry person imaginable and then blame you for "making them that way".  It's very abusive and if you lived in a relationship with such a person, it would be as bad as "battered wife syndrome".  How I know this is that I experienced it with my ex-husband - and I will not be going back to it, I can assure you.  Either our relationship changes in all the way it needs to or we go our separate ways - and we are both in agreement with that.

Someone asked me about early warning signs.  The first time I saw Date #16 lose his temper, it was on the stretch of road on Scenic Drive that made me not want to be in his car a moment longer.  Of course, all the other stuff he'd been saying that night certainly was something to pay attention to.  That was our 4th date, so it happened pretty early on.  Obviously you want someone who can fight fair and respectfully and keep a hold of their temper when they're feeling criticized or rejected.  I respect a man who can stick up for himself but does so without stripping you down with his words.

The test of a man is when he is angry or stressed.  I'm no expert at finding a good, healthy relationship - so please don't look to me to be your role model by any means!  But that advice was given to me by a very wise woman and I think it is true.  Pay attention to how the man you are dating deals with stress and anger.  Does he shut down?  Does he communicate?  Does he blow up?  Does he say cruel things to you?  Call you names?  Fight dirty?

There's one other thing.  If someone has come from a very abusive childhood - and by very abusive, I mean psychological and/or physical abuse but especially both - be very, very careful.  I'm not talking about sexual abuse here - because I don't have experience in my own life or dating someone who has experienced sexual abuse, so I really can't share on that subject.  But with psychological/physical abuse, a person naturally has a lot of major issues no matter how "together" they appear on the surface.

Now I say this coming from that kind of childhood myself.  In my case I spent more than 2 years in counselling dealing with it.  Most people don't take that kind of time to face up to it and deal with the results.  And I'm by no means sorted.  My experience is that women who have come from such a background often pick an unstable man (puts up hand) and herself tries to find ways to control him and her environment to make her feel a sense of security.  Now that on it's own does not necessarily end up being a disaster if she is with the right man who can deal with it - although it certainly has the potential to damage a relationship with her partner and her kids!  My experience of men is that they grow up angry and end up acting in the same way as the man they grew to hate - their father - and then deny that this is the case.  It may not be all the time but it will be a combination of the anger/injustice he feels as a result of being abused and witnessing abuse and abusive behaviour being the way he has seen a man deal with anger or stress.  And of course, teaming up with a woman with tendencies to control to feel secure is a match made in hell - especially if control was another factor in his upbringing.

Don't get me wrong, everyone deserves a chance at love and happiness - myself included.  It wasn't my fault that I had such an upbringing.  All I'm saying is that you need to tread very very carefully if you discover someone has had this kind of upbringing, and find out in what ways they have faced it and dealt with it - if at all.  Sometimes they can be the most wonderful partner simply for having gone through it and dealt with it.  But especially in men, I find that is rarely the case.

The tickets to Nelson are booked and paid for to attend Marriage Counselling with my ex.  I can't help but wonder if the entire thing is a total waste of money - but I cannot explain it, it feels like it's something that I need to do even though I have to admit there are days I want to call the whole thing off.

10 Good Reasons Why I Shouldn't Date My Husband

As you may have read by now, my husband and I have been separated for 18mths.  The first time we separated I was actually about 5mths pregnant but we attended a few counselling sessions and got back together right before our baby was born.  9mths later, we separated again.  In about three weeks time, we have the opportunity to attend marriage counselling in Nelson.  Why there and why now?  I happened to come in contact with a counsellor whose approach I believe is the only one that might help our marriage.  It would take me a while to explain why, but essentially, I believe that if there is any hope for us - this is it.

So why has it taken me 18mths to do make this step?  Here are 10 good reasons why:

1. My husband has issues.  He has depression with an anxiety disorder, a history of alcoholism (he hasn't had a drink since well before our 2.5yr old son was born mind you) and a bad temper.  The two times we separated he had hurt me physically.  Not beaten me, sure, but still hurt me.  Both of us have baggage from our family background.  It has to be said that mine is more resolved than his is simply because I worked on it for several years in counselling in my early 20's, but we still press one another's buttons and react in ways that cause distress in the other person and in this way, we are not an ideal match.
2. My condition for getting back together was that he got help for his issues - counselling and anger management.  He has not done either despite initially promising he would to now refusing to as it would mean that he accepted the lion-share of the blame for our failed marriage.
3. We fight a lot.  We disagree on a lot of things and seem unable to resolve our conflict or to "fight" in a way that is respectful.  And we have too much conflict.  Neither of us want to have arguments or constant conflict in our lives - and especially don't want to have that kind of environment for our son.
4. Trust has been eroded.  The hurt that has gone on between us with the things we have said and the things we have done has meant that neither of us trust one another.  From my perspective, it means that I can't trust him to be vulnerable with him - to share myself with him without being criticized or rejected.  Perhaps he feels the same?
5. We are complete opposites when it comes to our personalities.  You know how I love to analyze personalities?  If you know Myers Briggs, I am an ESFJ - he is the exact opposite: INTP.  Where I am an extrovert, love to go out and meet people, mingle, be with people - he loves to stay at home.  Where I love to interact, talk and have company - he likes his own space.  He is a Thinker while I am a Feeler - it's like we are talking a different language and while I communicate in an Emotional Language that he doesn't understand and often ridicules or brushes aside, he processes things logically and rationally so that we cannot see eye-to-eye about a vast number of issues.  While I am very structured and like routine and to plan - he is all over the place, easy-going and difficult to pin down, procrastinates and puts things off to the last minute.  My approach makes him anxious.  His approach makes me frustrated and anxious.
6. Love Language - if you have ever studied relationships and "The 5 Love Languages" then you will know what I'm talking about when I say that I feel most loved when I am given Quality Time and Physical Affection.  I still cannot figure out my ex's but if I had to put my money somewhere, I would say that his would be Serving and Gifts.  When we were married, I hated the fact that when I was watching TV he would be on the computer and vice versa.  If we happened to share the lounge, he would be in a separate chair while I was on the couch.  If we were out in public he would never take my hand or put an arm around me when we were at a family function.  Physical affection in those circumstances were always initiated by me.  Since he was promoted in his job and our son was born, he's been trying to work all God's hours to try and meet our ever-pressing financial demands as parents.  This means that he has very little time for our son let alone himself and it's only fair that those should be his priorities.  But as we've been talking over attending marriage counselling, he still pays me little attention.  The time we spend is handing our son over and discussing him briefly, or perhaps a few minutes conversation about our work.  He often shows little interest in my world and seems totally pre-occupied with his.  I often wonder (especially with his anxiety-disorder and the level of stress he can/cannot handle) whether there is actually room for me in his world.  Rightly or wrongly (with regards to our present marital status) it makes me feel neglected and I worry that should we restore our marriage I would end up lonely and neglected.  I'm also not sure how best to love him - I feel at a complete loss as to what he needs from me besides "not nagging" or "not criticizing" - perhaps he needs encouragement?  But it's difficult to know because he's not always good at communicating those needs and I think, not always good at understanding himself.  He is certainly adverse to "emotional discussions" as that's just not how he works and he avoids it as much as possible and finds it very draining.
7. We have lost the best parts of our relationship - our friendship.  Through our separation (those who have gone through a marriage break-up will know how sour it can become) we lost all the good parts of our relationship in terms of companionship, warmth, good times, humour.  As I've mentioned, it now literally consists of discussing our son's care and the logistics of that - there is virtually no time at all invested in our relationship with one another.
8. My ex is on serious anti-depressants that completely affect his libido and lower his sex drive and passion for sex.  When I first met him he was very passionate.  However, he has been on these for a long time and although not as passionate as I would like, there was still interest.  Since our separation he has shown no interest in me sexually whatsoever.  That may not be a surprise again considering our marital status but in those 18mths he has not had sex with anyone else, tells me he doesn't miss sex and I can tell by the way he looks at me (or doesn't look at me) that he barely notices me even in instances when most men would!  This concerns me for two reasons - one being that I feel loved by physical affection and the second that I am extremely passionate, have a very healthy sex drive (my friends who know me as the author of this blog really didn't want to know that, sorry!) and it's extremely important to me.  Being in a sexless or very passionless or sexually dull marriage would be simply hideous.  While he may say that the reason for his lack of interest is due to our unresolved issues, built-up resentment and ongoing conflict (understandable) - I'm still concerned that either he won't trust me emotionally to overcome it or the physical deficiencies are such that it will never be more than mediocre.  To me this is more than just meeting a physical need that I have, but emotional needs as well and the rejection I have experienced in this department has been painful for me.
9. The cost to me.  My marriage was embarrassingly brief and in that time I fell pregnant and had my first child.  It's difficult to separate the marriage and the adjustment of being a mother for the first time, but certainly the difficulties we were having in our marriage contributed to my post-natal depression.  My self-esteem was so low, I hated myself.  I totally lost who I was.  As many counsellors say "if the cost of being with your partner is yourself then the price is too high".  Could be a Dr. Phil-ism.  Either way, I am not prepared to go through that again.  Separating made me like myself again.  A little bit of counselling helped me see myself again and make room for me in my life.  A whole range of things have helped me heal from the depression and dating helped me realise that I am attractive both physically and in my personality.  But I know that I am vulnerable still and I fear being in the place that I was when I was with my ex-husband.
10. My son is 2 years old.  All he has ever known is being a child of two parents who adore him but live separately.  We are his most favourite people in all the world.  Should we get back together again and it doesn't work, how painful will it be and emotionally scarring if we were to separate again?  The first time he was just 9mths but this time he is much older and much more aware.  I worry about the risk we would be taking should we decide to give it a go.

Perhaps you can see from the reasons above why I have not bothered to turn to marriage counselling when the subject has come up or why I have concluded that there is no hope for us when I have considered it.  Perhaps you are wondering why I am considering it now - and I can assure you there are days where I wonder that myself.  So why am I going ahead with it?

1. I fell in-love with my ex-husband and it was the kind of love that despite everything that has happened between us, and with all the feelings that have dissipated due to our history and circumstances, I still love him.  It's the kind of love that's more than loyalty.  I guess you could say it's unconditional love.  I believe I will always love him.  Maybe I won't with time and if I found someone else to love.  But it's a love that goes with the commitment you make in marriage to someone that is very very deep.
2. Marriage means a lot to me.  Probably a lot to do with the Christian faith I have held.  I don't treat it lightly and in many ways the most devastating part of separating from my husband was the failure of an institution I believed in and was committed to.
3. With this in mind, I have wondered whether I gave up too easily.  Not to say that we hadn't tried relationship counselling a few times - just that it wasn't very helpful at the time and I wondered that with the right kind of help whether we might be able to resolve our issues.  In fairness, it's not that I "gave up too easily" (because I think I have actually been extremely loyal to my ex perhaps to my own detriment - I probably should have set more boundaries - and put up with a lot of things other's wouldn't dream of putting up with); it's the nagging doubt about whether I have in fact tried everything that I could.  And to that I'd have to say I haven't.  I want to be able to look myself in the mirror, and my son in the eye and say I tried everything I could.
4. I know if it's possible to mend our marriage, then it's the most ideal situation for our son (bearing in mind that a marriage full of abuse or conflict is worse for our son than separation!)
5. My ex-husband and I have both expressed a willingness to go to marriage counselling and a willingness to change the things about ourselves that need to change in order for it to work.  Now whether or not this is true for my ex-husband (in the past he has agreed to anger management, counselling and marriage counselling and then found excuses not to go or attended and been half-hearted when in the counsellor's room) remains to be seen.  And whether or not we are in fact able to change sufficiently to make it work also remains to be seen.

Perhaps most important of all is that I have trust in the counsellor we will be seeing.  Trust that he will be able to view our situation in all of its complexities and tell us the truth.  Regardless of the outcome, I know it's something that I have to do as long as my husband is also willing and wanting to do it.

Another Up-Date

So Digger-Nutbar thing fizzled.  Not because he was a Nutbar but because I just wasn't into him.  It reminded me a lot of when I was 19 and my best friend (guy) declared he was in-love with me.  I had a connection with him emotionally, intellectually but not physically.  He convinced me it was a good thing for me to do (to be with him) and the very best thing for me - so I dated him for about two months... but my heart really wasn't in it.  It would be mean of me to call Digger-Nutbar Mr. Moobs (but personally I think it's the perfect name!) so we will just leave it at that.

The date he got so uptight about actually cancelled on me - apparently his daughter injured herself and he had to rush off to attend to her right before we were due to meet.  I was very good about it but inwardly suspicious.  Sure enough I have not heard from him to arrange the "rain check" he had requested.

There's another guy who has asked me out to dinner and I have said a tentative yes but to be honest I probably won't go.  I'm totally unenthusiastic.  I am about to book tickets to Nelson where my ex and I will be having marriage counselling so my mind is really pre-occupied with that.

For many of you that have been following this journey with interest, you may well be put off internet dating or anything similar in which the meeting has been pre-arranged.  But I have this to say about it - I actually met my ex-husband through the internet.  At the time there were certain things I wanted in a man (because of the choices I had made in my life and the direction I was going in) that meant the field was very narrow, and so was what I was looking for - but when I saw his profile I was immediately interested and excited.  He was attractive, he was intelligent to talk to, he had a lovely nature, he had similar values and there was one thing in particular that we had in common that I was looking for at that time that was rare in a person.  Those first 6-8 weeks were special.  There were sparks, we fell in-love, we have wonderful memories of all the dates we went on and two and a half years later, we were married.  And I am just one of many success stories (except of course our's has [thus far] not ended in success ultimately).

I think the difference between my experience now and my experience then was the way that I approached it.  At that time I was very specific with what I wanted.  That's not to say that I had a long ridiculous list about personality, financial situation, employment, looks or education.  But I had a few specific things that I stuck to in terms of similarities in faith, in direction and in values.  This time around I have cast my net wide and was prepared to meet anyone who looked attractive and seemed intelligent and hoped for chemistry.  My ex was the 2nd date I went on - this time I had 17 dates and often saw a different man every week.  I remember taking 2hrs (or could have been half a day) to get ready for the first date with my ex, buying new clothes and being really excited.  It was special.  This time around the enthusiasm and anticipation has only been there with two men - both of which I felt chemistry for upon meeting them.  I think perhaps I know deep down the kind of man I am really looking for but because it's rare to find, I have not kept to it.  Dating has become a chore because I'm meeting loads of men that I'm just not into.  I've wondered if it was because I was too picky.

Another thought I have had was to do with chemistry.  You will notice on the right hand column there is a poll about chemistry - some call it "spark" - whether you believe it has to be there right from the beginning, or whether it can develop over time.  I think I put too much emphasis on spark in the first date in some respects but on the other hand, when I consider Mr. Yummy, Date #8 and my ex there was enough of a spark for me in that first date to know that I definitely wanted to see them again.  It doesn't come along very often, sure, but that's the way it's supposed to be.  Love and falling in-love is meant to be special.

It's time for me to regroup, remind myself who I am and what I really want in my life and in a partner, and take a step back from this crazy whirlwind of dating...

I sure hope I won't make it to 54 first dates - but if I continue in the way I'm approaching it, I'm certain I will...

The Return of Date #16 "Digger or Nutbar?"

Some of you might be horrified to know that Date #16 has returned into my life.  You know the one that we all decided was insane?  We came in contact recently and he explained to me that he got angry with the guy tailgating us as he thought he was speeding and going to crash into us and wanted him to pass us so that we'd be safe.  I of course had a different perspective but he assured me that he didn't generally get angry like that.  He said I had pushed his buttons but he had reacted badly (more or less).  He told me it would not happen again.  This is the short version of a long discussion about the ins and outs of what happened and the dynamics between us.  He wanted to start over.

What would you do?  One blog reader suggested a name for this particular date as "Digger" because he "dug me" :)  So is he a Digger or a Nutbar?

So if so far you are leaning towards Nutbar (for both of us) then you will be more horrified to learn that the Fifth Date did in fact occur.  At my house.  I had reasoned that the entire event happened two weeks before and he had not stalked me, had posted my phone back to me as he said he would, knew my address and phone numbers but never called me or came around.  And because I have to hire a babysitter to go out in the evening and my son is currently not sleeping (taking 2-3hrs to settle at the moment), it was the only way I could see him if that's what I wanted to do.

By the time he arrived we had cleared the air between us - not saying I'd forgotten about it or that I wasn't wary or unsure, but there was no bad blood between us and believe it or not we had an amazing evening.  We drank wine and "Tequila Sunrise" cocktails (yuck) while watching the DVD "The Help".  So I found myself cuddled up on the couch to him as I put my son back to bed (climbing out of his bed) over and over again.  He held my hand and asked me if I was ok (because it was exhausting) and told me not to apologize.  Finally my son went to sleep.  Towards the end of the movie (if you have watched "The Help") it gets a bit emotional - and not for the first time, found the Digger-Nutbar(?) crying at some very poignant moment.  I have never seen a man cry in a movie before I don't think - and I have to say I cried too when the little girl cries (it's a mother's heart thing).  Not to mention throughout the movie he was stroking my hair and my face and telling me how much he had missed me and how beautiful I was and how much he adored me and that I was his "dream girl".  It's been a long time since I've been treated like that I can assure you...

Anyway, the sour moment eventually came when he asked me whether I had been on any dates and whether I was seeing anyone else and I said that I had a date planned and I couldn't cancel it.  The result was that he got upset and ended up leaving.  I tried to explain that it was too soon for me to decide anything about him and I guess in his mind he wanted to pick up where we'd left off.

As it was, I had to cancel my other date due to my son's sleeping (and not being able to get a babysitter because he wouldn't cope with it at the moment) and suggested we reschedule however I haven't heard back from him and wonder if he's got a bit sick of me.  I have a feeling I've rescheduled with him before, I can't remember.

I have to say that when it comes to Nutbar-Digger I kind of dig him too.  I love the conversations we have, I love how into me he is and I like spending time with him.  Physically I'm attracted to him except that he's overweight.  He's at the gym and exercising but do people really change that much?  If he lost a bit of weight I think I'd find him really sexy.  But if he didn't?  Physical attraction is important, I don't care what people say.  And the biggest problem I have is that apart from his big tummy he has moobs.  Yes, moobs.  I have never dated anyone with moobs before.

So what are your thoughts?  Is he a Nutbar or a Digger?  Is it worth considering despite the Moobs?

Date #17 "The Toy Boy"

So I phoned a guy I was talking to a while ago thinking it was a work colleague (I had neither of their names recorded in my phone) and when I realised who it was we got talking and agreed to go for a drink.

We met at the pub in Greenhithe and I thought he looked cute - I felt a bit nervous, but we fell into easy conversation - him over a beer and me over a sparkling Jacobs Creek Rose - the perfect drink for a summer afternoon.  I thought it went really well...  we laughed, talked about a lot of things and got on really well.  He was 28yrs old, had a good job, was interesting and funny and I really wanted to see him again despite how much younger he was than me.  He was not looking for something casual as most men his age would be - he genuinely wanted to find someone he could settle down with.  He gave me a hug as we said goodbye and said he'd message me.

That afternoon I got a text saying "So...thoughts?" and I replied saying "I had a nice time, you?"  No reply came back very quickly.  I knew he was at a BBQ but after a while I couldn't resist texting "or are you going to keep me in suspense?" to which he replied "Lol, sorry... yeah I had a good time too."

Me being me and can't stand the power games, I asked him if he wanted to see me again.  His reply was "Yeah, possibly..."

What is that?  After we both had a nice time and he hugged me and texted me he then is ambiguous about whether or not he wants to see me again?  I had to draw the conclusion that he just wasn't that into me and so I didn't reply and have left it at that - but pretty disappointed.