So Digger-Nutbar thing fizzled. Not because he was a Nutbar but because I just wasn't into him. It reminded me a lot of when I was 19 and my best friend (guy) declared he was in-love with me. I had a connection with him emotionally, intellectually but not physically. He convinced me it was a good thing for me to do (to be with him) and the very best thing for me - so I dated him for about two months... but my heart really wasn't in it. It would be mean of me to call Digger-Nutbar Mr. Moobs (but personally I think it's the perfect name!) so we will just leave it at that.
The date he got so uptight about actually cancelled on me - apparently his daughter injured herself and he had to rush off to attend to her right before we were due to meet. I was very good about it but inwardly suspicious. Sure enough I have not heard from him to arrange the "rain check" he had requested.
There's another guy who has asked me out to dinner and I have said a tentative yes but to be honest I probably won't go. I'm totally unenthusiastic. I am about to book tickets to Nelson where my ex and I will be having marriage counselling so my mind is really pre-occupied with that.
For many of you that have been following this journey with interest, you may well be put off internet dating or anything similar in which the meeting has been pre-arranged. But I have this to say about it - I actually met my ex-husband through the internet. At the time there were certain things I wanted in a man (because of the choices I had made in my life and the direction I was going in) that meant the field was very narrow, and so was what I was looking for - but when I saw his profile I was immediately interested and excited. He was attractive, he was intelligent to talk to, he had a lovely nature, he had similar values and there was one thing in particular that we had in common that I was looking for at that time that was rare in a person. Those first 6-8 weeks were special. There were sparks, we fell in-love, we have wonderful memories of all the dates we went on and two and a half years later, we were married. And I am just one of many success stories (except of course our's has [thus far] not ended in success ultimately).
I think the difference between my experience now and my experience then was the way that I approached it. At that time I was very specific with what I wanted. That's not to say that I had a long ridiculous list about personality, financial situation, employment, looks or education. But I had a few specific things that I stuck to in terms of similarities in faith, in direction and in values. This time around I have cast my net wide and was prepared to meet anyone who looked attractive and seemed intelligent and hoped for chemistry. My ex was the 2nd date I went on - this time I had 17 dates and often saw a different man every week. I remember taking 2hrs (or could have been half a day) to get ready for the first date with my ex, buying new clothes and being really excited. It was special. This time around the enthusiasm and anticipation has only been there with two men - both of which I felt chemistry for upon meeting them. I think perhaps I know deep down the kind of man I am really looking for but because it's rare to find, I have not kept to it. Dating has become a chore because I'm meeting loads of men that I'm just not into. I've wondered if it was because I was too picky.
Another thought I have had was to do with chemistry. You will notice on the right hand column there is a poll about chemistry - some call it "spark" - whether you believe it has to be there right from the beginning, or whether it can develop over time. I think I put too much emphasis on spark in the first date in some respects but on the other hand, when I consider Mr. Yummy, Date #8 and my ex there was enough of a spark for me in that first date to know that I definitely wanted to see them again. It doesn't come along very often, sure, but that's the way it's supposed to be. Love and falling in-love is meant to be special.
It's time for me to regroup, remind myself who I am and what I really want in my life and in a partner, and take a step back from this crazy whirlwind of dating...
I sure hope I won't make it to 54 first dates - but if I continue in the way I'm approaching it, I'm certain I will...
The date he got so uptight about actually cancelled on me - apparently his daughter injured herself and he had to rush off to attend to her right before we were due to meet. I was very good about it but inwardly suspicious. Sure enough I have not heard from him to arrange the "rain check" he had requested.
There's another guy who has asked me out to dinner and I have said a tentative yes but to be honest I probably won't go. I'm totally unenthusiastic. I am about to book tickets to Nelson where my ex and I will be having marriage counselling so my mind is really pre-occupied with that.
For many of you that have been following this journey with interest, you may well be put off internet dating or anything similar in which the meeting has been pre-arranged. But I have this to say about it - I actually met my ex-husband through the internet. At the time there were certain things I wanted in a man (because of the choices I had made in my life and the direction I was going in) that meant the field was very narrow, and so was what I was looking for - but when I saw his profile I was immediately interested and excited. He was attractive, he was intelligent to talk to, he had a lovely nature, he had similar values and there was one thing in particular that we had in common that I was looking for at that time that was rare in a person. Those first 6-8 weeks were special. There were sparks, we fell in-love, we have wonderful memories of all the dates we went on and two and a half years later, we were married. And I am just one of many success stories (except of course our's has [thus far] not ended in success ultimately).
I think the difference between my experience now and my experience then was the way that I approached it. At that time I was very specific with what I wanted. That's not to say that I had a long ridiculous list about personality, financial situation, employment, looks or education. But I had a few specific things that I stuck to in terms of similarities in faith, in direction and in values. This time around I have cast my net wide and was prepared to meet anyone who looked attractive and seemed intelligent and hoped for chemistry. My ex was the 2nd date I went on - this time I had 17 dates and often saw a different man every week. I remember taking 2hrs (or could have been half a day) to get ready for the first date with my ex, buying new clothes and being really excited. It was special. This time around the enthusiasm and anticipation has only been there with two men - both of which I felt chemistry for upon meeting them. I think perhaps I know deep down the kind of man I am really looking for but because it's rare to find, I have not kept to it. Dating has become a chore because I'm meeting loads of men that I'm just not into. I've wondered if it was because I was too picky.
Another thought I have had was to do with chemistry. You will notice on the right hand column there is a poll about chemistry - some call it "spark" - whether you believe it has to be there right from the beginning, or whether it can develop over time. I think I put too much emphasis on spark in the first date in some respects but on the other hand, when I consider Mr. Yummy, Date #8 and my ex there was enough of a spark for me in that first date to know that I definitely wanted to see them again. It doesn't come along very often, sure, but that's the way it's supposed to be. Love and falling in-love is meant to be special.
It's time for me to regroup, remind myself who I am and what I really want in my life and in a partner, and take a step back from this crazy whirlwind of dating...
I sure hope I won't make it to 54 first dates - but if I continue in the way I'm approaching it, I'm certain I will...
Keep writing, I love your style.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jo!
ReplyDeleteI've loved reading your blog. And the thing that I find so hard about internet dating is that, you don't have that person in front of you and have that eye contact. Eye contact is really important to me and can tell you a bit about the person, so it really is 'going in blind' when you are just messaging someone online.
ReplyDeleteBut best of luck in your endeavours and I'm sure the right person for you will come along, long before number 54!
J. :o)
oh my goodness... i had a guy give me that exact same excuse re. his daughter... like you i wondered was that just a brush off?? ummm in my case YES! :)
ReplyDelete