Midnight Kiss

Happy New Year to you all...!!  I certainly saw the New Year in well...

So I had gotten to know a guy online and through texts a little bit.  We had talked about going out on a date at some point but it turned out we were going to be going to the same party at New Year's Eve.

I was determined to really let my hair down and have a great time since my 2yo's on holiday from daycare and the four walls can drive you a bit potty in this wet weather..  It was a cocktail party/pool party.  So I bought a nice dress and had a blast concocting a whole range of cocktails... I quickly made friends with a few single girls and we had some great laughs.

He turned up a couple hours late wearing a tuxedo and a bow tie.  They took a photo of him with a martini glass in his hand.  Everyone knew him but we had never met and no one knew we'd been corresponding prior to the party.  I was introduced to him, and I think we were both a bit nervous and shy but as the night progressed we just relaxed amongst the group and because he had brought me a "Pina Colada mixer" since I was complaining prior to the party that all the recipes couldn't agree on what kind of rum went into it I said I would give him a kiss at midnight since I was so anxious about whether I'd get my Pina Colada right.  I have no idea whether this makes any sense to you because I am nursing a bit of a hangover and have had about one hour's sleep.

Meanwhile, a few of us girls had snuck up the driveway to have a ciggie and the conversation turned to the man in question.  I think I might have said something about how I thought he liked me and one of the girls said "oh he just likes everyone" and declared they all were planning on giving him a midnight kiss.  One of the girls had a traumatic episode of her ex assaulting her very badly and was currently in a friends-with-benefits situation pretending that she doesn't fancy the guy but it was fairly clear that she really did.  The other girl was 6 weeks post-breakup from her ex-fiance.  So certainly some fresh pain in their lives.

So midnight came and he gave me a kiss and it was nice, and then he gave me another one and there was just a little spark. From what I could see (and I wasn't really watching that closely) everyone else just got a peck on the cheek.  Afterwards, one of the girls I had really got along well with all night (6 weeks out of a relationship) suddenly started calling me a bitch during our drunken conversation about [let's call him Mr Bond shall we?] Mr Bond.  She said I was being a bitch by getting worried about what she would think about my being with him and said to me "I don't give a shit..." etc.  It was really horrible.  I'd spent 6hrs talking and laughing with this girl and I couldn't understand whether it was the booze or her true personality and issues showing.  When Mr Bond came back with our cocktails I tried to reassure her that I liked her, we were friends etc etc. and had a bit of a laugh about something but truth be told I barely saw her for the remainder of the night after that.

Mr Bond managed to talk me into getting my swimsuit out of the car to go in the pool and that he would escort me.  He had been talking about it and insisting that we go for a while and when we were outside I honestly don't really remember how it happened but we were kissing and he was holding me...  Back in the pool he didn't hide his affection for me and held me, kissed me, cuddled me in the pool even though once in a while I still tried to be part of the group and talk to the others and even went up for another ciggie with the girl in the friends-with-benefits relationship.  She had started to be very cold towards me but while we were on the driveway and I asked her about herself and responded to her with lots of positive comments, she was great.  However the moment we joined the others her indifference remained and all conversations and plans we had made to meet up with her later in the week at her apartment ("and bring your son!") were suddenly empty promises as she showed me very clearly with her body language that she didn't want to hug me goodbye and had a vague non-commital response to my now bringing up that I might see her later in the week at her place.  It was really awful.  Even Mr Bond noticed and said to me "you've done nothing wrong."  Apparently earlier in the evening she had brushed her leg up against him so I guess she was annoyed that he'd obviously wanted me and not her.

It is so sad to me that women can be so jealous of each other instead of wishing each other well.  I mean, she had met Mr Bond once before and so it's unlikely that she had a real thing for him otherwise I could understand her reaction to me.  I kind of wish Mr Bond had not been so open about his affection for me in front of everyone but as he said, we didn't do anything wrong by doing so.  So I guess that was the dampener of the evening.  That and my ex-husband ringing me about 10 x between 3 and 4am because he was having a hard time getting our son to sleep!

As for the rest, I won't kiss and tell :)  Just to say that I hope that we will see each other soon and that I can get to know him better and see if the attraction is really a match - whether he's someone I could really fall in-love with.

It's weird when you get together with someone while you've had too much to drink because it's decisions you've made that you might have or might not have made while sober and it's all a bit of a fog, so I'm hoping that I will hear from him again and we can get to know each other better so I can make a decision while sober!!!  What I will say is that he is funny, intelligent and good looking (great body - works out!)...
So fingers crossed...

A lot can change in 12hrs

So I was tempted to delete the entire last post but seeing as I am a social experiment for those of you living vicariously through my dating experiences, I would not want to deprive you of any strange gaps in the story.

I will not be seeing either man any time soon.  The one I talked all night on the phone to (twice) has disappeared.  Not returning my texts but very much alive as I spotted him on NZ Dating several times throughout the day no doubt looking for someone else...

Why is it that women generally give a reason and make sure the other person knows we're not interested (in a nice, kind way) and men just stop contacting?  Is it because they are cowards and it is the easy way out for them?  Or is it because they lack the same empathy and concern that women generally have to know what that might be like for the other person?  Some kind of explanation would have been nice.  However in my mind I have decided on a few options:

a) he has found someone "more appealing"
b) he has discovered something about me in our conversation that doesn't suit him
c) he really is an overweight, smelly, older man that lives in a 1bdm basement flat and doesn't wash very often or put out the rubbish on a regular basis and has entirely invented this "other persona" to better fulfill his life

I guess I'll never know...

As for the other date I was meant to have this week, he seemed to never be free when I was and he's suggested we get together after Christmas.  Problem is I have my son on his holidays from daycare for weeks on end without much of a break so that will be very hard to achieve.  So goes the difficulty of dating when you are a single mother to a young child.

Well Merry Christmas to all you readers out there... especially those of you that are single.  May it be the kind of day that is filled with the people that love you.  And here's to a New Year full of love and possibilities.

The Prelude to Date #14?

I have spent the last two nights talking on the phone to a man I have never met.  It started with messages on NZ Dating that became online messages and then a phonecall talking for about 4 or 5 hours!  I don't remember the last time I did that...  maybe when I was a teenager..

He is intelligent, educated, has a very good job and financially secure.  He reminds me of Paul Henry - and I love Paul Henry - and I love talking to him.  He is interesting, witty, makes me laugh, mischievous, cheeky and intriguing.  We spark off each other and banter backwards and forwards.

We have talked about everything and nothing.  I am waiting for the shoe to drop.. It's totally pessimistic of me.  But it's because I'm used to it and I think that if I prepare myself for it somehow it will hurt less.  The disappointment won't be a surprise.  It won't end in tears like Date #8.

Don't get me wrong, he's not perfect.  He doesn't share my faith though he was brought up Catholic and we have grown up in different worlds:  his father focused on making money - my parents focused on helping people in their helping-professions.  He is driven and ambitious and needs to succeed and not fail and while I relate to that in some ways since it makes up a bit of my personality, I see success differently.  With his family background of money, good schools and nannies and my typical middle-class upbringing, it would seem that on the surface he might have totally different values to me.  But it seems that he has rejected a lot of the values his father has and is searching for something deeper and less materialistic.  This remains to be seen, though.

I just feel that those differences are not necessarily significant.  Do not necessarily pose any problem.  I am dying to meet him to see if we have spark in "real life" and hoping that he could cause me to fall in-love.  But as I said, I'm waiting for the shoe to drop.  The "something" that ruins everything.

In the meantime, I have been chatting briefly online to another gentleman who wants to meet with me this week.  So it looks like I could get my date before Christmas after all... 

Date #13 'The Taxi Driver'

This is the date where I learned to pay attention to a person's occupation as a reflection of where they may be at.

I honestly looked good for this date.  For once, my hair was going right, I had on a really pretty, feminine top and there's nothing like feeling good/looking good that gives you a bit of confidence.

The second I saw Date #13 I knew it was all a waste of time.  You can tell a lot from the way a person holds himself or his facial expressions.  Sure enough, when he opened his mouth I knew that either this guy had an Intellectual Disability or an extremely low IQ.  I am not being mean saying that - I work around people with Intellectual Disabilities and love being around them but it's just a fact.  I guess the mean part was that I wanted to turn on my heel and run immediately and instead I had to get through a cup of coffee.  Still, it was the shortest date I have ever had.  I tried to make polite conversation while sipping my coffee while thinking of an excuse or reason to go.  By the way - he wasn't a taxi driver.  He was an aspiring taxi driver and out of work :(

Poor guy texted me and asked me if I'd like to see him again.  And when I said no, I didn't think it would work he texted me back to say "That's ok you're not exactly what I'm looking for either but I really do hope you find a nice guy who will treat you as good as I could have treated you  as a nice girl like you deserves to be treated right.  Besides I have someone else in mind."  So a bit of a mixed reply there :)  And then next text was "What put you off?"  My mum (who I went to see afterwards) and is honestly the most gentlest, most softly spoken little older lady said to me "I think you should just refuse to reply.  You can hardly say that you thought he was mentally retarded!"  which made me crack up laughing...  Political correctness wasn't around in her day..

I have decided to continue seeing Date #12 as friends in case a spark grows out of that (open to the idea that maybe I rule things out too early sometimes).

I'm also not seeing Mr. Peacock/Geese/Swans since his profile says he is a Truck Driver.  At least, I am assuming that Mr Peacock/Geese/Swans is a truck driver since his profile actually said "Track Driver" so guessing he spelled truck wrong :-/

Just need someone who has had a bit of education or at least can engage me in intelligent conversation.  I know some of you will think that presumptuous of me but I can't tell you how disappointing it is turning up for a date with all your hopes up and finding out instantly that there's not a chance in hell that it will work but having to sit through it anyway.  I need the combination of an attractive, intelligent man (that treats me well) that I have spark with.  And I'm prepared to hold out for it :)

Another thing that's really disappointing (for those of you that have never tried internet dating before and wondering how it all goes) is how many attractive, intelligent men send you messages saying something like "nice cleavage!" or turn the conversation around to sex all the time.  But I'm not giving up yet...

Will I find someone I'd like to go on a date with before Christmas??  Time will tell - watch this space!!

Up-to-Date

This now brings you up-to-date.  Apart from Mr. Chatty I have done very little dating in the past month.  I have been talking online to a few guys:

One who wanted to know my weight or a full-body picture before he met me.  Maybe that's a reasonable request, I don't know but I felt really uncomfortable about it so I let that one go.
Another who I texted backwards and forwards for ages every day and frequently until he said to me "I'm beginning to love you" (we had not met).  And I also discovered that he only met up with his kids once a week in a public place for 1.5hrs (I'm assuming supervised-visits).  I didn't want to meet him after that.
A third who I'm currently still talking to who has told me he'd love to one day have a big landscaped section with lots of animals around - but specifically mentioned geese, swans and peacocks.  What was more odd was that he seemed to know quite a bit about them in detail.
A fourth who I'm meeting up with tomorrow who sounds really nice but he is a taxi-driver.  Don't get me wrong, I am not a snob, but I do think that that a couple has to be able to connect intellectually and I have had quite a bit of education so I really don't know how it's going to work out unless he's studying on the side or has more dreams and aspirations than driving a car.

I know how this all sounds to some of you - that I am extremely picky and maybe I am.  Or maybe I'm just having trouble finding someone that's suited to me.  That has the package of being intelligent and attractive with that little spark between us?  And at the same time, it is true that I am scared not only of being hurt or of "putting myself out there" and getting rejected - but also of finding someone who is destructive for me in the way that my ex-husband was.  That old saying - once bitten, twice shy.  So to be fair, at least I'm giving it a chance and being brave.

If you have an opinion on how it's going so far, please add your comments or vote on the polls.  In the meantime, I'll let you know how it all goes with 'The Taxi Driver' tomorrow...

Date #12

After a fun but disappointing "Speed Dating Party" (just honestly doesn't feel at all natural and a bit set up to me), I put myself on NZ Dating.  I hadn't until that point simply because everyone told me men (and women!) were only after one thing with that site.  But clearly my profile puts those kinds of men off.  I guess I took a different approach this time round.  I talked to them online for a long while before agreeing to meet with them or giving out my mobile number.

For a single mother, you have limited time off as it is - it's nice meeting up with guys for a date, but when it seems like a waste of time it's precious time that I've wasted that I could be doing other things and I thought maybe I was rushing in too soon.  So after about 50 messages on NZ Dating I had to wade through, it came down to just a couple that I thought might be possibilities.

One of those I decided to meet up with.  However this post has been removed since I discovered he read my blog!!!!  :)

For those who are unable to miss one dating episode, please make a comment and I'll email you this blog entry.

Date #11 Stood Up

So I took another dating break for a while.  I was still chatting to ISTJ and we'd met up a few times as friends - mostly to whine about our lack of love-life.  Eventually I came across this gorgeous policeman and since I'd been given free tickets to the opening night of a Comedy Show at the new Q Theatre, I asked him if he'd like to join me.  I was going out to dinner with friends in the city beforehand.  I got to the restaurant a bit late and had rushed to find a carpark nearby.  I spent half the time it seemed trying to call and text my date to see if he was meeting me etc. and with absolutely no reply assumed he wasn't coming so then called ISTJ to see if he wanted to join me that evening since I was clearly being stood up.  I think where it started to go wrong with the policeman was that he asked me what I did for a living (by message online) and I had replied, and then a while later in another message he asked me again.  By the third or was it sixth (?) time he said something like "Sure, I'll go that'd be great.  By the way, what do you do for a living again?"  I thought he was joking and laughed about it and after he apologized, realised he was serious.  Maybe he had 60 emails to go through, who knows.  Anyway he asked me if I still wanted to see him and I said yeah, he'd have to make it up to me :)  To which he replied that he was on-call that night but it should be ok.  So I kind of figured it could go south and had ISTJ prepared...  I didn't get his text until after I'd said where I was (what restaurant I was in) so whether he came into the city and decided he didn't like the look of me and finally texted me to say sorry he'd been called in to work, I don't know... or whether I'm just being paranoid..

I've heard of some people who drive around the block or see their blind date sitting there and just keep driving (or walking) so who knows.  But I didn't give him a second chance.  I suppose by this stage I was getting a bit ruthless when it came to dating.

I'd worn my ugly hold-in knickers and a skirt with a split right up my thigh just for the gorgeous policeman so I thought I may as well make the most of the evening.  So I met ISTJ at the bar at the Q Theatre.  Unfortunately between the knickers, and the split skirt, stockings and heels it meant that I couldn't sit comfortably on the couch so I suggested perching on a bar stool around a table.  When that didn't seem to help I was very relieved when it was time to go in and I could throw my jacket over my split skirt while we watched the entertainment.

When ISTJ and myself went into the Comedy club, it was fairly full and we sat about 3rd or 4th row back. I said to him "I don't want to sit in the front row or they might pick on us."  Well as law of Murphy goes, we were in fact picked on (or ISTJ was) and asked him for a scenario and some other questions about himself so they could re-enact it.  They asked whether we were on a date, and I said (emphatically) no - which they all found really funny - and then asked me what his personality was like.  I decided to be kind and said successful and driven.  Intense could have been a better description maybe.  But the funny part was that they re-enacted ISTJ on a date and somehow pulling out loads of condoms - I don't know how it got roped into the story but the amusing part was that every scenario from then on had a little man coming along with a condom machine offering condoms to every single person in every scenario they created!  It was extremely funny.

What wasn't so funny was the carpark bill at the end of the night.  Somehow I'd managed to park at the carpark directly above the Langham Hotel.  I think it cost me $38 for about 3 or 4 hours, and thankfully I had taken my car out when I did as the maximum was $50!!!

This ended up being the last time I saw ISTJ.  Not long after that he met someone he started dating and up until that point I had often wondered why we kept in contact at all considering our differences in personalities and values and well, just about everything.  But possibly the thing we had in common at that point were our disastrous love-lives that we mutually moaned about.  When he started dating someone, after my latest disaster dates I simply wasn't in the mood to hear about his success so I let our friendship drop.  Bearing in mind also that the very last time I saw him he was dropping off my mobile phone that I'd left mistakenly and had his kids in the car who were kind of bratty.  I love kids, and I get on with all kids but these kids were calling me names and laughing and their father seemed to have trouble getting them to stop.

So feeling like I had hit a dry spell with 'Find Someone' I let my membership lapse, took some time out and decided to try something else when I was ready.

The Return of Date #8

So the excitement of the 2nd date with #8.  I was definitely nervous.  We had planned to meet at his work in the city and then go for dinner and a movie.  I turned up on time - maybe a fraction early and he told me to text him when I got there so I told him I was waiting outside.  He texted back to say that he was just finishing something and would be down in a minute.  The minute was actually 15 and the building's doors were locked and so I was standing outside for 15 minutes freezing.  When he finally rescued me he gave me a quick tour of his workplace and I waited for him to finish what he was doing and we were in his car heading for mid-city.  I was still very, very nervous.  When we arrived he gave me the choice of either eating at the food court in Planet Hollywood or at Nandos.  I can't tell you how disappointing this was.  This was literally grabbing a bite to eat rather than dinner together.  I opted for Nandos since it was a step up from a food court.

Still nervous, we started to chat while waiting for our food.  He did most of the talking.  Early on though he threw me a question that totally floored me.  From memory (because a lot happened that night so you'll understand why I can't remember the details when I'm done), he had said something that threw me like explaining that he wasn't really ready to date and wanted to just be friends for about 6 months... and what was I expecting from this?  Did I think it was a date?  Ultimately I said yes I did and then I said to him "I just feel like hiding under the table now!"  Instead of laughing at my stupid attempt at making light of the situation or saying something to alleviate how I was feeling by reassuring me (of something) he said nothing.  After a while I said "well this is awkward..." and he just stared at me very seriously and nodded his head.  It was at that point (bearing in mind this is maybe 15 minutes into our date) that I realised that it was all going very badly and I wondered fleetingly at that point whether I should run up the street to my car and go home.  It was totally disconcerting, uncomfortable, weird and off-putting.  Then he started to explain where things were at in terms of what had happened with his ex-wife (story of my life).  He went into absolute detail about where they were at and why they broke up and all the problems he had that contributed to it and all the problems she had that contributed to it.  I just listened.  Then he shared that he had been adopted and how that had affected him and how he'd gone to counselling and more detail about that.

Finally, he asked me about myself.  But when I started to share, his eyes glazed over and his eye contact and attention strayed and so I kept it very short since I could see that he wasn't very interested.  And he didn't notice.  I am usually a very friendly, outgoing person and find it very easy to hold conversations with people so for me to listen and say very little is not being myself.

We left Nandos with Date #8 basically giving me the clear message that the only way forward was for us to be friends (could take 6 months he said) and see what happened in that time - who knows it may just happen.  I told him I would think about this as I hadn't realised that was where he was at.  We were cut short in our conversation (if you could call it that) to get to the movie on time.  Just before the movie (Gold Class) he dropped a couple of other bomb shells on me.  First, that he had this big weekend on the weekend he'd met me.  He'd gone on another date with another girl and it had gone really well (but then contradicted himself and said to me that they were just friends and he couldn't see anything happening) but also his ex-wife had decided she wanted to be friends with him and had arranged to see him for coffee.  It was at this point that I accepted his offer of paying for a Chocolate Brownie Dessert and a glass of wine.

I think Gold Class is overrated unless you are going with your girlfriends or something.  Because when you go with a date, you might as well be sitting in another room from them -  the table in between you and the armchairs create such a gap that there is no way any snuggling or holding hands is going to happen (which is what I'd hoped for earlier that day).  I certainly didn't feel any connection between us physical or otherwise while the movie was going on.  He might as well have not been there.  He'd seen the movie before but decided to choose it again as it was funny and he knew I'd like it.  I did like it, but he barely watched it and out of the corner of my eye I could see him texting throughout the movie, barely looking at the screen and certainly not looking at me.

By this time the whole experience was really starting to get to me, and I realised that I just didn't want to be in this situation any more.  I felt so disrespected and so disappointed.  He had told me things about himself that made me concerned about the "issues" he had with respect to manipulating and controlling.  I certainly felt like he had taken total control of the night and that I had barely contributed anything to it.  He also made me feel like he was not interested in me as a person or anything I had to say.  And then he made me feel like he didn't value spending time with me and used that time to be in touch with other people.  I went out to the loo and there decided I was miserable and I wanted to go home.  I went and paid for my drink and dessert (because I didn't want to feel like I owed him anything) and when I came back, he was still texting and looked like he hadn't noticed that I'd been gone a long time.  I told him I wanted to go home.

He never asked me why.  In fact, he didn't talk to me at all except to tell me what the rugby score was since he'd been checking on the scores via his phone.  Again, it's unlike me not to say anything, not to explain or to communicate.  But I just couldn't say anything.  I felt like I couldn't talk to him and I spent the whole time trying to think of what to say or how to say it but didn't have the courage to explain anything.  The walk to the car was awful.  The drive from the city back to his work was awful.  And then finally when he turned off the ignition and declared "well, this was a bust!" - his acknowledgement gave me the ability to find something to say.

Very briefly I said to him "I think that we are in different places.  I am ready to date, and it seems that you're not.  And if there is any chance to sort things out with your wife, you should take it."  He tried to reassure me that there was no possibility of things working out with his wife, and yet agreed that he wasn't really ready to date.  And so that was how it was left.

The tears that I had been holding back for a good part of the evening came as I drove home.  The disappointment was overwhelming.  It was the worst date of my life.  A total disaster and nightmare experience and it really hurt.

Date #10 "Goliath"

I forgot one.  Goliath.  I'm pretty sure I met him sometime around "Mr Nice Guy" but it's hard to say it's a total blur at this point.

I met up with Goliath at a cafe in Titirangi.  Such a beautiful sunny day, we sat in the window and talked about everything.  We shared the same faith and he happened to be working at the same College that I did some of my tertiary studies at which meant that we had a lot to talk about.  I love it when you connect with someone on a spiritual and intellectual level and have a really encouraging, uplifting, stimulating conversation.

The problem was that I came up to about his waist which was really strange for me considering I was wearing heels at the time.  He must have been about 6'7".  I have never met a guy that tall before.  I love tall men - the tallest I've ever been out with was 6'3" but this was on a whole other level, literally.  Height aside, he wasn't someone I'd physically go for normally - and I'm not really into men who wear very casual (scruffy) sports clothes.  But that's just being picky.  The fact that we could talk and relate and laugh meant that I was definitely prepared to see him again and have a friendship come out of it if nothing else.

After the coffee, we sat on a park bench in the sun and talked some more - so pleasant!  But later that day when I texted him to say thank you (can't remember now what else I said), he replied but didn't ask me out again.  I decided that if he were really interested he would ask me out again, but he didn't and he seemed to be hanging out on 'Find Someone' a lot so I figured he was still looking.  If he were really that into me he wouldn't wait for me to make that move, so I didn't and that was the last I heard from him.

Date #9 'The British-Indian-Persian'

So I met the exotic 'British-Indian-Persian' at the pub in Greenhithe for a drink - I think they call it the Malthouse or something.  It's a very nice pub and they do amazing food there if ever you want a new place to try.  The rugby was on but not the All Blacks so we sat outside (because he smokes) and I froze while we chatted.  He had a very smooth accent that I liked but a little bit of a chain-smoker.

I got to hear the detailed version of "the mother of his child" who he was only with briefly before she became pregnant and were apart when she realised.  He gave up his life in Britain to be close to his daughter and that was a huge sacrifice as he is not terribly happy in New Zealand and was clearly a devoted father - and so I have to take my hat off to that as that shows some depth in character for sure.  But the "detailed version" explaining how the mother was 'crazy' sets little alarm bells off for me.  Certainly, relationships are usually strained between yourself and your ex that you are forced to continue seeing since you have a child together, but it bothers me when a person is all about their ex's faults.  And sometimes women are "crazy" for a reason?  It always gives me doubts though about where the problem really lies.

I don't know why men feel the need to talk in detail about their ex with me.  It makes for a very bad date conversation yet it keeps happening to me over and over again.  Maybe it's because I ask (it's good to know where people are at in terms of how/why things didn't work out and whether they've moved on) and maybe it's because I'm a very good listener when it comes to that sort of thing but for whatever reason I find people unburden themselves to me.  I'm not saying that I mind (although I don't want a one-sided relationship), what I am saying is that I'm not a fan of that particular topic - at least, not in detail on a first date.  But as far as I remember, that is mostly what he talked about.  He did talk about his interests, his daughter and his work and asked me about mine and my charity work and so on but it would be fair to say that there was not a connection.  Or no spark.  It was like getting together with a friend and even then you're not sure whether you want to keep in touch.

So again I found myself wondering whether I should have a 2nd date (or see if he wanted to) because I wasn't sure whether a spark could grow - or just drop it, but in light of how I felt on the previous date, I let it drift and neither of us contacted one another again.

Date #8 'Could This Be It?'

So I saw "Mr Nice Guy" for coffee around lunchtime during my busy workday.  After work I headed over to my mum's (lives nearby) to get ready for my next date.  Coffee again :)  This, for me was the one I had been really looking forward to.  He was the reason I had renewed my membership on 'Find Someone' so I could talk to him!  It had taken weeks of messages and texting before he finally asked me out on a date (and I'd thought the ship had sailed).

 I was nervous!  I couldn't see him at the cafe so I walked around West City and told him to text me when he got there - couldn't bring myself to sit and wait.  Oh those nerves when you are walking over to someone knowing they are watching every step you make!  But of course, pretended not to be nervous at all.  He insisted on buying me a drink and we started chatting very easily.  Lots in common, lots of banter (which I love).  And some real intelligent conversations.  He shared my faith, shared some of my unusual viewpoints within my faith.  He was a parent, made me laugh, was an interesting guy, we could really talk about stuff.  And there was spark!  He had a good solid job (or three) and  seemed like he had taken responsibility for his share of the break up with his ex-wife.  I was reluctant to leave, but my mobile was glaring at me that I was going to be late for my next date so I had to go and he looked a little disappointed.

What an exciting feeling taking the escalators up towards my car while he told me cheekily that I could count on him asking me out on a 2nd date!  Sure enough, texts that followed the next day confirmed his official invitation to go to dinner and a movie the following weekend...

Date #7 "Mr. Nice Guy"

I'm going to write about Dates #7, 8 and 9 tonight because believe it or not, they all happened in the one day. I don't know what I was thinking!  I was exhausted by the end of it and vowed never to do it again.  And in between times I was working and having a really busy day!

I am going to refer to Date #7 as "Mr. Nice Guy" because that's exactly what he was.  And this is where I started to get a little confused with myself but I'll explain that later.

Date #7 truly was a nice guy.  South African, polite, respectful, not bad looking.  Insisted he buy me coffee (I have a lot of coffee dates!)  It was a very pleasant time, he talked about his experience in New Zealand, his love for motorbikes and friends he'd made who also loved motorbikes and offroad motorbiking (okay - not the correct name but this is a topic that I know absolutely nothing about).  I really couldn't relate to much of that and I can't really remember talking about anything much that I related to.  But I liked him.  Just that there was no spark.

And so this is when I started to wonder about myself.  Was chemistry or spark something that was there in the beginning (and can grow) or is it possible to not really have that spark and it grows as you get to know a person?  These were the questions that had me hesitating in contacting Mr. Nice Guy to say thank you (which would be followed [usually] by an invitation to go out again by him if he were interested).  And then my hesitation dragged on too long and the moment had passed.  I probably should have gone on a 2nd date to see whether 1st date nerves may have got in the way of chemistry (if he wanted to that is).  But perhaps it was because of the next date I had that evening that I didn't make as much of an effort as perhaps I should have.

I never heard from Mr. Nice Guy again, but I did try and set him up with an acquaintance - unfortunately she had the exact same experience as me.  Such a nice guy she saw him a 2nd time, but no spark so just remained friends.  Why do we love a guy with a little bit of an edge?  Doesn't have to be a bad boy but perhaps a je ne sais qoi?

Date #6 'ISTJ'

It was around about this time that I was starting to be over the excitement of dating just to "have some fun".  At some point along the way, I had realised that I was actually ready for a relationship and wanted one!  But my faith in actually meeting someone I would really fancy was beginning to dwindle.  A bit like going to a job interview and showing your best side but believing you probably won't get the job because you've been looking for one for 4 months and despite your best efforts - so far, nothing.

I started an unlikely online friendship with a guy on 'Find Someone.'  We clocked up over 1000 messages between us.  The first few hundred were sublime banter (I am a big fan of banter).  But I had some misgivings about it and I understood that we had very little in common and were a bit like chalk and cheese.  Why we got on so well and what we found to talk about was probably a lot to do with his keen interest in finding someone and perhaps his imagination of what I might be like.  The messages began to include texts and phonecalls and there was definitely a little spark at least over the phone and internet, but as a grown-up I knew very well that didn't necessarily translate into real life.

He was a fairly successful guy with a decent job and career in the financial world.  He was athletic in terms of being a marathon-runner - in some ways that appealed to me, in other ways it didn't.  When someone is that devoted to athletic sport, they are generally lean with not a drop of fat on them as opposed to that masculine, muscley look..  and I wasn't sure I was otherwise physically attracted to him either.

My misgivings included the fact that he had cheated on his live-in partner and mother to his two children and had an affair with a married woman.  As a result he had happily left his partner for this woman but the relationship hadn't worked out.  Although it alerted me to the fact that he was a man that had the capacity to cheat - I could reason that in fact we probably all have that capacity given the right circumstances.  What bothered me was the lack of remorse or conscience about it.  He reasoned that he did not love his ex-partner, that he thought that she had put on too much weight which he did not find attractive and was not doing anything about it, and that they had very little in common.  The fact that I was a bit overweight and that we also had little in common (despite all our conversations) had not escaped me and I pointed this out to him, but he was keen to meet.  I was at least prepared as to his personality because we had discussed this at length (I'm fascinated by peoples' personality types) and he was an ISTJ as far as Myers Briggs was concerned (google it), and so that told me that he was not much of a people-person, very much a thinker and that often didn't win him any friends.

In the end my reluctance to meet due to the above gave way due to boredom and frustration as I was one of the sardines that took the train into the Viaduct Harbour on the opening of the Rugby World Cup and then couldn't find any of the people I was meant to be meeting.  After hours of standing around in overwhelming crowds, I agreed to meet him in town while waiting for friends to get across on the Devonport ferry, since he was having pre-game drinks with work colleagues in the CBD (his boss had given them free tickets to the opening game).  It was a spontaneous meet but we'd sort of said we would meet up after the game possibly anyway.

We met on a street corner.  The really funny part was that after one minute of meeting, an older guy came running up to him and asked him if he'd dropped what he was holding in his hands.  It was ISTJ's rugby tickets and a condom that had clearly fallen out of his pocket while he was crossing the street.  For some reason the condom didn't register with me until much later as I was so pre-occupied with thoughts swimming around my head about what he looked like and what he thought of me.  It was very unfortunate for him and bad (or good?) timing!!!!!!

Our five minute meet became an arrangement to have drinks later that night after the game so I relaxed knowing that he can't have thought I was too overweight (you women will no doubt relate to these kinds of thoughts!!)

So I had a few wines with him later that night that had me feeling very tipsy and so I got him to take us for a drive while I sobered up so I could drive home (when I say a few I mean two so just to clarify I was okay to drive with time!) and finally he parked somewhere and eventually asked whether he could kiss me.

It is very awkward to have someone ask to kiss you.  If you are a man reading this, in my opinion if the moment is right then do it.  The moment you ask it becomes really awkward.  Despite the fact that I thought his face was gaunt (from too much exercise), his body too lean, his nose too big along with his glasses and curly hair and his eyes too wide, intense and disconcerting staring at me - and despite the fact that I thought his personality a bit odd - I said yes.  Maybe it was the loneliness factor getting to me, maybe the fact that I hadn't been kissed in a while... but it wasn't too bad.  It wasn't fantastic but it wasn't awful.

ISTJ had the kind of personality I've never come across before.  He would pass for a geek to be honest but he was a strange mixture of confidence and insecurity.  He came across as someone that had little emotion to the point of being so matter-of-fact he was sometimes blunt and insensitive.  Yet willing to be friendly or even kind although I wouldn't go so far as to say that he was kind but seemed to appreciate those qualities in me and esteemed me as being "a very good person" and [later] "a good friend."  Just to say, though, for someone so ordinary-looking he had some fairly high standards on a woman's appearance.  I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder and no doubt some women find him attractive that meet his requirements.

What stopped this from going any further was how I felt the next day (please read: nothing happened beyond the kiss - I drove home to my place!)  None of it sat right with me, I felt anxiety about dating him.  I suppose because it would have been going against how I really felt about him.  But he was truly surprised when I told him I didn't want to see him anymore.  I guess he had thought we had a spark and clearly we could talk... in the end we agreed to be friends.  But more about that later because that's another story I'd like to share...

Date #5 'The Friend'

I was keen to meet up with 'Date #5' because we both seemed to be involved in voluntary work with charities and he was a very motivated, goal-oriented sort of a person (so am I) and I find it very unusual to find someone with those things in common with me.  His photo, on the online dating site did not show very clearly what he looked like but I guess enough for me to see whether there was anything there.

Some people argue that it is a shallow person who decides for or against someone based on the photo on their profile and sure, if it was that alone then it certainly would be shallow.  However, physical attraction is still an important component.

We met in another cafe for coffee.  The script certainly gets a bit old when you're perpetually on first dates, however it seems the most casual, laid-back environment where you're in public for safety's sake, but are not tied down (such as dinner) so that you can run if you need to cut it short, and the awkward expensive "who pays" issue is not a big deal when it's a question of $4.

It was a nice conversation.  I did not feel physically attracted to him.  He was overweight but losing it and tied into some rigorous "boxing for charity" training which would have him lose more.  I wondered if I could find him physically attractive if he did lose weight.  I found some aspects of his personality charming.  I wasn't sure.  So the thanks and texts became a second date.  He had been given tickets to the semi-final of the rugby league with the Warriors playing - did I want to go?  I found a babysitter within hours!  One of the best dates I've had, they were incredible seats, we had an amazing view of the field and the game.  What awesome fun!  The not-so-great parts of the night was Date #5 texting his ex-wife during our date thanking her for the tickets she'd got him for father's day (couldn't it have waited?) and my having a blonde moment losing my car keys and faced with having to have him drive me home to get a spare key and then back again to pick up my car which I'd left at his house.  The blonde moment became blonder when I discovered them in my handbag as he had started driving me :-/  Embarrassing much??

Despite having a great time, I knew there was simply no chemistry and it wasn't going to work so I explained this.  To his credit, and my good fortune, he told me he'd still like to be friends and to this day, we have remained just that.  So I'd better not write any more about him in case he finds this one day and recognizes his story!!!

Just to say though, much later on he asked for a complete explanation thinking it was to do with our difference in faith and beliefs and I simply said that I felt we didn't have chemistry.  Very awkward conversation...  I am very appreciative though of his friendship and enjoying getting to know my new friend.

Date #4 'Beer-Crier'

It took me a little while to get over Mr. Yummy Date #3 and our 6-week romance.  I missed him.  I couldn't understand why a combination of chemistry, friendship and intimacy wouldn't work for him... so I took a few months off from the dating scene to recover from my bruised heart and wounded pride (and dating disillusionment).

While I never fully recovered from the disillusionment, my heart and pride did and I decided to give it another shot.  I had by now turned to the dating website "Find Someone".

I was not quick to meet Date #4.  We chatted online for quite some time before it turned to texts and phonecalls.  I was reluctant to get back into dating again but eventually curiosity got the better of me.  Date #4 was 12mths post marriage breakup.  I can't remember now how long the marriage was - maybe 10years? - but he had kids and she had one day informed him she had met someone and wanted him to move out.  The shock was so devastating, as you can imagine.  And then just a few months ago his father had passed away so he was an emotional wreck in some respects and crying most days.

For some obscure reason I thought that a date would be a great idea.  And here was where I learned the lesson "make sure he's over his ex".  That first date we had a drink at the pub followed by a light meal, a movie and more drinks.  I enjoyed his company but in hindsight I think I had become a sounding board come counsellor as he all but cried into his beer.  I said to him that I thought he was not ready for dating but I was certainly happy to be his friend.

The problem was the friendship part.  He came over to my house one evening (by invitation - I know, big no-no!) with bottle of wine and pizza and I had supplied the dvd.

The conversation did not centre around his ex or the breakup or even his kids, but his interests.  He talked about his passion for remote control airplanes down to the details of how the remote control part actually works.  He talked about his interest in technology (phones, computers etc).  I'm sure sport was thrown in there at some point.  Suffice to say we had nothing in common at all.  I'm very much a girly-girl and airplanes, technology and sport don't spin my wheels...

This was followed by a dvd (my unfortunate choice - the unfortunate choice I always make when trying to please the guest and end up with a dud movie).  It was a terrible attempt at a thriller - you know, the ones that say thriller on the box and then you find out that it's actually a dreary drama?  He fell asleep.  It was very awkward.  Eventually I suggested that maybe we called it a night...

I felt very very bad for calling it quits on our "friendship" but I knew that I was only in it not for myself but to be a support to him and I just couldn't shoulder that.

Thus ended Date #4 with Mr. Beer-Crier (shouldn't make fun of him though - poor guy).

Date #3 'Mr. Yummy'

...was definitely "the one that got away".  I had low expectations after Date #2.  Walked into the bar where we were due to meet and play pool and instantly found him attractive which made me nervous!  After the game (very embarrassing loss on my part), we sat on a couch in the bar and he leaned towards me, which I took to mean that he was interested!  Occasionally he would squeeze my hand or touch my shoulder or something which I thought was very affectionate for a first date.  All of a sudden it was time to go and he said goodbye without mentioning that it was a nice time, he'd like to see me again or any mention of contacting me.  Of course I was confused - did he like me or didn't he?

I texted him with the encouragement of my girlfriends.  "At least you'll know whether or not he's interested straight away" they told me.  He texted back and backwards and forwards the messages went until we'd arranged our 2nd date.  I had wanted to go to a movie but his flatmates were overseas and he wanted to cook me dinner and watch a dvd at his home.  Possibly the biggest mistake I made was agreeing to it.

We cooked dinner together and the air just sizzled with chemistry.  I still cannot forget when I asked him if my earrings were facing the right way, him brushing my hair back and investigating them very carefully.  I have never before had chemistry to the degree that I had with this guy.  Whether it was the fact that my last relationship was so long ago (my marriage) or that I was so unused to dating for their to be boundaries and steps and stages of things progressing, or whether it was just the combination of "us" but he would hold me and I would literally be dizzy from it, and my rational thought and judgment completely clouded and abandoned.  I just went with it.

To this day I cannot exactly tell you specifically what ended it except to say that I was not what he was looking for.  We spent six weeks together - or sort of together.  He was constantly hot and cold.  Sometimes in the space of an hour.  I told him the pattern seemed to be that Thursdays he was hot and by Sunday he'd turned cold.  He couldn't make up his mind about me over a period of six weeks.  I wasn't the first woman he couldn't make his mind up about.  Turns out that he's like that with every woman he's ever dated - just that our's was a shorter version.  Despite the friendship, despite the intimacy and long talks into the night about everything, despite the chemistry, the passion, the affection - in six weeks it was over.  And for a time, so was my interest in dating.

Date #2 'Transition Guy'

Date #2 I would rather forget.  He taught me a little bit though.  He taught me that I was more ready for a relationship than I realised (first kiss since being married - not as scary as I first thought!).  He taught me that 31yo men may be still way too young for me to consider.  He was definitely the "transition guy"... I saw him for a little while actually - until he became comfortable enough for me to learn that the scar on his neck was from his attempt at taking his own life by cutting his own throat due to hearing voices from demons to do it.  There's more to this story but I'm happy to not relive this one.

That took me on an extended "break" from dating but not before Date #3.

Date #1 'Scott'

We will call Date #1 Scott (Scott-no-kids).  Scott and I agreed to meet after several messages on the dating website "Plenty of Fish."  I found him sitting outside waiting for me at a cafe on the North Shore looking as nervous as I felt.  He offered to pay for my coffee and I accepted. We sat in the sun and talked about our lives and I thought he was very handsome when he smiled.  Most of our conversation was about our marriage breakups and subsequent journeys recovering from that.  Not the best topic for a first date but I was a rookie.  It ended well, we messaged again and found ourselves on a 2nd date that involved coffee, a walk on the beach and a drive in the countryside.  I discovered that Scott wasn't entirely ready for a relationship and wanted to be friends first.  He also never wanted to have kids (which I can't relate to) and announced when the car came to a stop that he wasn't sure he could date someone who had kids.

After such a pleasant time this was a huge disappointment and I later sent him a message saying that I thought it was best if we left it at that.  My son comes as a package with me and his uncertainty about whether he could embrace that wasn't a risk I wanted to take in terms of my heart.

Much, much later I met up again with Scott for a friendly drink but we had very little to talk about and it was clear that there was no connection there.