Most of the time when I go on a date, I'm in a good headspace. I couldn't tell you why I wasn't this time. Maybe it's because I had hopes for it turning out - even though I knew he was going to be moving away from Auckland in the coming months. I was nervous. I literally had to give myself a good pep-talk in the car - you know, the self-affirmation thing. I was a bit early which of course makes me more nervous - being the one waiting.
I didn't know exactly what to expect. His photos weren't good in terms of detail. We had been talking for a while (online) by the time we met, so I knew a bit about him. He was not a priest at all but a newly ordained Anglican vicar or whatever the technical term is (I don't know!) He was about to fill a post which was a mandatory part of the process for I think three years in a small town. I thought at the time that I was likely to be travelling with my job so it needn't be an issue.
Due to my nerves, I asked all about him. I responded with my own thoughts on what he said and we had lengthy and interesting conversations about faith and God and Christianity and church. While he held fairly traditional views, and mine were probably very non-traditional in comparison, we seemed to still find common ground. I have to say, I really enjoyed the conversation because it is rare for me to find someone who shares that common interest - if it can be described that way.
I found him to be very nice, diplomatic, affirming and pleasant - just as you would expect a young vicar to be. He seemed very conservative in comparison to the guys I'd been spending time with, and well brought up. Possibly a bit too traditional and conservative for me - but definitely worth getting to know and spending time with at least to find out if there was any potential there.
As we were wrapping things up and he mentioned he was going to walk into the city from there (he took the bus to the cafe). I said I'd give him a lift but I was on my way to the Osteopath. The very odd thing was that as we said goodbye to one another and he left, I saw him start sprinting down the road out of the corner of my eye and I wondered what that was about! Did he badly need to go to the loo and didn't like to say while we were having coffee together - saw McDonalds and made a run for it? Did he take up my suggestion that he catch a bus in to the city and had spotted one pulling away? Did he have another date lined up and was late? Or was he just so relieved to get out of there that he wanted to put as much distance between us in as short a time as possible? It has perplexed me ever since but I did not like to ask in case it was the loo thing and it offended his sensibilities to discuss such matters.
Later that day (or could have been the next) I had a lovely message from him simply saying that I had inspired him in our conversation about helping the community and I replied by saying that I admired the sacrifice it required of him to go into ministry and his commitment to it. He never replied. So I figured "yup - not that into me...just wanted to wish me well."
For some strange reason this last failed date had a real affect on me. I suppose I had been having mixed feelings about dating or being in a relationship for a while, but at this time I was really struggling with the rejection I was beginning to feel from "putting myself out there" and it not going well. I discovered I was still reeling from the rejection I felt from my ex-husband. It was about this time that things began to unravel for me. I realised that I still loved my husband, that I found his rejection (not wanting to work it out with me) very painful and for some reason this last date was the one that opened my eyes to it.
I didn't know exactly what to expect. His photos weren't good in terms of detail. We had been talking for a while (online) by the time we met, so I knew a bit about him. He was not a priest at all but a newly ordained Anglican vicar or whatever the technical term is (I don't know!) He was about to fill a post which was a mandatory part of the process for I think three years in a small town. I thought at the time that I was likely to be travelling with my job so it needn't be an issue.
Due to my nerves, I asked all about him. I responded with my own thoughts on what he said and we had lengthy and interesting conversations about faith and God and Christianity and church. While he held fairly traditional views, and mine were probably very non-traditional in comparison, we seemed to still find common ground. I have to say, I really enjoyed the conversation because it is rare for me to find someone who shares that common interest - if it can be described that way.
I found him to be very nice, diplomatic, affirming and pleasant - just as you would expect a young vicar to be. He seemed very conservative in comparison to the guys I'd been spending time with, and well brought up. Possibly a bit too traditional and conservative for me - but definitely worth getting to know and spending time with at least to find out if there was any potential there.
As we were wrapping things up and he mentioned he was going to walk into the city from there (he took the bus to the cafe). I said I'd give him a lift but I was on my way to the Osteopath. The very odd thing was that as we said goodbye to one another and he left, I saw him start sprinting down the road out of the corner of my eye and I wondered what that was about! Did he badly need to go to the loo and didn't like to say while we were having coffee together - saw McDonalds and made a run for it? Did he take up my suggestion that he catch a bus in to the city and had spotted one pulling away? Did he have another date lined up and was late? Or was he just so relieved to get out of there that he wanted to put as much distance between us in as short a time as possible? It has perplexed me ever since but I did not like to ask in case it was the loo thing and it offended his sensibilities to discuss such matters.
Later that day (or could have been the next) I had a lovely message from him simply saying that I had inspired him in our conversation about helping the community and I replied by saying that I admired the sacrifice it required of him to go into ministry and his commitment to it. He never replied. So I figured "yup - not that into me...just wanted to wish me well."
For some strange reason this last failed date had a real affect on me. I suppose I had been having mixed feelings about dating or being in a relationship for a while, but at this time I was really struggling with the rejection I was beginning to feel from "putting myself out there" and it not going well. I discovered I was still reeling from the rejection I felt from my ex-husband. It was about this time that things began to unravel for me. I realised that I still loved my husband, that I found his rejection (not wanting to work it out with me) very painful and for some reason this last date was the one that opened my eyes to it.
The guy sounds like a truly nice person. I hope things go well for him in the church. Don't be offended by the sprinting thing, however. Often, when I've had a lovely time with someone, they leave me feeling so energised and vivacious that I end up doing something energetic (though for me, it's usually skipping like a crazy woman, or dancing on the pavement in front of everyone). I'd simply take it as a compliment :)
ReplyDeleteSorry about the sudden, sad realisation though. It's definitely a hard thing to come to terms with. Love is the hardest thing of all, and my heart goes out to you xox