The Return of Date #8

So the excitement of the 2nd date with #8.  I was definitely nervous.  We had planned to meet at his work in the city and then go for dinner and a movie.  I turned up on time - maybe a fraction early and he told me to text him when I got there so I told him I was waiting outside.  He texted back to say that he was just finishing something and would be down in a minute.  The minute was actually 15 and the building's doors were locked and so I was standing outside for 15 minutes freezing.  When he finally rescued me he gave me a quick tour of his workplace and I waited for him to finish what he was doing and we were in his car heading for mid-city.  I was still very, very nervous.  When we arrived he gave me the choice of either eating at the food court in Planet Hollywood or at Nandos.  I can't tell you how disappointing this was.  This was literally grabbing a bite to eat rather than dinner together.  I opted for Nandos since it was a step up from a food court.

Still nervous, we started to chat while waiting for our food.  He did most of the talking.  Early on though he threw me a question that totally floored me.  From memory (because a lot happened that night so you'll understand why I can't remember the details when I'm done), he had said something that threw me like explaining that he wasn't really ready to date and wanted to just be friends for about 6 months... and what was I expecting from this?  Did I think it was a date?  Ultimately I said yes I did and then I said to him "I just feel like hiding under the table now!"  Instead of laughing at my stupid attempt at making light of the situation or saying something to alleviate how I was feeling by reassuring me (of something) he said nothing.  After a while I said "well this is awkward..." and he just stared at me very seriously and nodded his head.  It was at that point (bearing in mind this is maybe 15 minutes into our date) that I realised that it was all going very badly and I wondered fleetingly at that point whether I should run up the street to my car and go home.  It was totally disconcerting, uncomfortable, weird and off-putting.  Then he started to explain where things were at in terms of what had happened with his ex-wife (story of my life).  He went into absolute detail about where they were at and why they broke up and all the problems he had that contributed to it and all the problems she had that contributed to it.  I just listened.  Then he shared that he had been adopted and how that had affected him and how he'd gone to counselling and more detail about that.

Finally, he asked me about myself.  But when I started to share, his eyes glazed over and his eye contact and attention strayed and so I kept it very short since I could see that he wasn't very interested.  And he didn't notice.  I am usually a very friendly, outgoing person and find it very easy to hold conversations with people so for me to listen and say very little is not being myself.

We left Nandos with Date #8 basically giving me the clear message that the only way forward was for us to be friends (could take 6 months he said) and see what happened in that time - who knows it may just happen.  I told him I would think about this as I hadn't realised that was where he was at.  We were cut short in our conversation (if you could call it that) to get to the movie on time.  Just before the movie (Gold Class) he dropped a couple of other bomb shells on me.  First, that he had this big weekend on the weekend he'd met me.  He'd gone on another date with another girl and it had gone really well (but then contradicted himself and said to me that they were just friends and he couldn't see anything happening) but also his ex-wife had decided she wanted to be friends with him and had arranged to see him for coffee.  It was at this point that I accepted his offer of paying for a Chocolate Brownie Dessert and a glass of wine.

I think Gold Class is overrated unless you are going with your girlfriends or something.  Because when you go with a date, you might as well be sitting in another room from them -  the table in between you and the armchairs create such a gap that there is no way any snuggling or holding hands is going to happen (which is what I'd hoped for earlier that day).  I certainly didn't feel any connection between us physical or otherwise while the movie was going on.  He might as well have not been there.  He'd seen the movie before but decided to choose it again as it was funny and he knew I'd like it.  I did like it, but he barely watched it and out of the corner of my eye I could see him texting throughout the movie, barely looking at the screen and certainly not looking at me.

By this time the whole experience was really starting to get to me, and I realised that I just didn't want to be in this situation any more.  I felt so disrespected and so disappointed.  He had told me things about himself that made me concerned about the "issues" he had with respect to manipulating and controlling.  I certainly felt like he had taken total control of the night and that I had barely contributed anything to it.  He also made me feel like he was not interested in me as a person or anything I had to say.  And then he made me feel like he didn't value spending time with me and used that time to be in touch with other people.  I went out to the loo and there decided I was miserable and I wanted to go home.  I went and paid for my drink and dessert (because I didn't want to feel like I owed him anything) and when I came back, he was still texting and looked like he hadn't noticed that I'd been gone a long time.  I told him I wanted to go home.

He never asked me why.  In fact, he didn't talk to me at all except to tell me what the rugby score was since he'd been checking on the scores via his phone.  Again, it's unlike me not to say anything, not to explain or to communicate.  But I just couldn't say anything.  I felt like I couldn't talk to him and I spent the whole time trying to think of what to say or how to say it but didn't have the courage to explain anything.  The walk to the car was awful.  The drive from the city back to his work was awful.  And then finally when he turned off the ignition and declared "well, this was a bust!" - his acknowledgement gave me the ability to find something to say.

Very briefly I said to him "I think that we are in different places.  I am ready to date, and it seems that you're not.  And if there is any chance to sort things out with your wife, you should take it."  He tried to reassure me that there was no possibility of things working out with his wife, and yet agreed that he wasn't really ready to date.  And so that was how it was left.

The tears that I had been holding back for a good part of the evening came as I drove home.  The disappointment was overwhelming.  It was the worst date of my life.  A total disaster and nightmare experience and it really hurt.