Date #16 "The Last of the Online Dates?"

For weeks now I have been in touch with that other guy from Find Someone.  Via facebook, text messages and emails.  However, I was not in a rush to meet him.  My cynicism towards internet dating and blind dates had led me to believe that it didn't work for many people - and didn't work for me.  Internet dating is appealling because it's difficult to meet people that you might like to date - that might be suited to you and it feels like a shortcut to finding a relationship.  However, it is quite an unnatural way to meet someone.  Firstly, to get to know someone whether online or by phone or by text when you don't know them and then to meet that stranger face-to-face is unusual by itself - but then so many people make a decision based on that first meeting as to whether that person is right for them or if they'll ever see them again.  Many people including myself.

While I agree that there has to be "some level of spark" from the beginning - I think the expectation that you're going to know whether or not there's any potential there within that first meeting is unrealistic and unfair.  If you find them unattractive physically or their personality a turn-off or some major issue, sure.  But if you get along well at that first meeting, it's hard to say what might develop.

It just feels like the pressure is there to make up your mind early on.  It seems that by date 3 or 4 or onwards there is the expectation that you might go to bed with them so between dates 1 (where you first meet) and 3/4 somehow you've got to know whether this has potential or not and your date is likely to want to take it to a physical level in any dates beyond that first one.  For me personally, I want to know how I feel about a person before I go along with that - so again, there's a lot of pressure for me to make up my mind early on.

I think for me, unless there are huge sparks like in the case of Mr. Yummy, internet dating is too unnatural and doesn't work for me.  I felt the same with Speed Dating.  The alternative is bound to take much longer (meeting someone socially at a party or whatever) - and with the Kiwi Male Reserve (or shyness?) and the Male Drought it could be a long wait - but that may have to be the way it is.

However, Date #16.  In my communication we had bantered backwards and forwards about dating and relating topics and I'd mentioned that I didn't know really what I wanted and had decided I wasn't really interested in dating but in making friends.  Despite this, he seemed keen to meet with me as a friend and we met for coffee today.  I had enjoyed the banter backwards and forwards but after 15 previous failures I did not have my hopes up or huge enthusiasm and I couldn't even muster up any nervousness.  I had managed to splash some perfume on and a tiny bit of makeup but I hadn't even washed my hair and my t-shirt and jeans were certainly not well thought out.  Hiding underneath my t-shirt was a vegemite stain my son had given me that morning.  I was passable but not at my best.

I saw him sitting outside the cafe facing the other way so I had time to check him out before he saw me, and to be honest, I thought he looked cute.  A little overweight and a little shorter than what I'd normally go for but attractive nevertheless.  We both smiled at each other and I think we both knew in that moment that neither of us was disappointed.  I was casual and he was casual and we just sat out in the sun sipping our lattes respectively, shooting the breeze and laughing at each other's jokes.  He was intelligent, funny and we talked (not inappropriately) about a few personal things.  He's unique and I have to say that I like unique men.  Interesting men that have their own distinct personality.  He has a bit of a lisp and yet carries himself with confidence.  A mixture of kindness and not taking any crap.

He told me that I made him look good just by sitting next to him, which made me feel good.  And he told me that he thought I was "cool" and he'd like to "hang out" with me, which was nice.  Knowing how I currently feel about dating (that I have told you in this and recent previous posts), he told me in a text message that he did "dig me" (I later told him that was very 1970's of him) and he said my homework was just to relax and be cool with that...

I have to say it's nice to have a little spark with someone, and nice to have that someone be interested in pursuing you - and for that someone to understand where you're at.  I have told him that if things develop too quickly I'm likely to run.  He has responded by reminding me about my homework and told me that too often his experience with women has been that they try to control the life out of a relationship which sends it to an early grave.  He's encouraged me to just see what happens.

We only saw each other for about an hour as I had to go and pick up my son but we're seeing each other again tomorrow - he's invited me to his place for a coffee on his deck while listening to music.  So I'm looking forward to that and trying not to panic or think too far ahead.