So my ex-husband told me today it was "impossible" for him to get off work to go down to Nelson with me to attend marriage counselling. While I agree his work situation is difficult, at this point I have to ask the question what's more important? And he knows I'm unable to cancel the flights as I enquired about this with Air NZ. Turns out it would also cost me $150 to change the dates and destination and that I couldn't go with anyone other than my ex-husband since his name is on the ticket and it's non-transferable. So there goes $500 up in flames. And if I choose to go on my own and attend at least one counselling session - I will have three lonely days in Nelson by myself (know no one there that I know) with my son paying for our stay down there out of money my ex-husband is saying we don't have.
I have spent the best part of today feeling upset, hurt and rejected while my ex-husband ummed and ahhed about whether or not he was going to go down to Nelson or not. I thought about why I had considered having marriage counselling with my ex and realised that despite his faults and his contribution, I have felt guilty that my marriage has failed and responsible for its failure. I felt like I had an obligation to try to make it work in part because I still find it difficult facing up to a failed marriage and humiliation that comes with that. For the past 18mths I have wondered whether I should attend marriage counselling with my ex. Early on I said to him that I would not consider him moving back until he'd sought counselling. In the end he attended a few times and stopped (half-hearted attempt at it) and I ended up agreeing to a few sessions of relationship counselling prior to our son being born and agreed to him coming back home as a result. Of course, it all turned to custard again and the next time he left I told him I wouldn't have him back unless he'd attended his own counselling or an anger management programme. He had all the excuses in the world as to why he couldn't do this - and yet he agreed to marriage counselling. This is the 2nd time he's found a reason not to go to marriage counselling when it came down to attending the appointments. Both were to do with work. In the back of my mind there was the nagging doubt "did I do everything I could?" Today, instead of grief I felt like a weight had lifted off me and the book had finally closed on our marriage. I can move on without guilt. I had told him it was our last opportunity and I wasn't going to give him anymore. His reply? "Whatever..."
It hurts and it is the ultimate rejection that your husband does not want to try everything possible to make the marriage work. But perhaps we both had that ambivalence in common? It's definitely time to let go and move on. It's all sad and I regret it but what more can I do? There will be a vacant seat next to me should I go to Nelson highlighting the fact that my husband did not choose me.
Should I go, I will have the counselling to discuss what I contributed to the failing of our marriage and some of the issues I have as a result of that failed marriage.
I think that you should go, and look at things in a positive light. Go down and have fun with your son. Look at it as a short holiday for the two of you, why should it be lonely? Loneliness is all in the head, if you are comfortable in your own skin, then you should be able to enjoy your own company. Nelson is a beautiful place, with many gorgeous natural sites. Use the time to plan for your future. As you fly down and back with that empty seat next to you, use it as a reminder that you are finally breaking free from your past, where you did not endure much happiness. Go forth with a positive mind frame, and you will reap the rewards. I think you are more dependant on having a partner than you realise.
ReplyDeleteHi Josie thanks for your comment. If I do go I will definitely make the most of it with whatever resources I have - possibly the most appealing would be just the sheer excitement of my 2yo going on a plane :) I sort of wish it was overnight or 2 nights rather than 3 though..
ReplyDeleteI am pretty comfortable with my own company - I learnt that early on in my adult life when I travelled overseas in my early 20's (alone) for several years. I don't think loneliness is all in your head though - I think it is common to all humanity and some of us feel it more acutely than others simply because some of our personalities are extroverted (get their energy from being around people) and some of us are introverted (get their energy from being on their own in their own space). I am an extrovert and love people but I do like my own space too. As a single mum of a young child I am own my own a great deal of the time and I do miss companionship from a range of sources not just from a partner. Dependent doesn't sit well with me but I will certainly consider your feedback, Josie.