Paid Empty Seats To Nelson and Back

So my ex-husband told me today it was "impossible" for him to get off work to go down to Nelson with me to attend marriage counselling.  While I agree his work situation is difficult, at this point I have to ask the question what's more important?  And he knows I'm unable to cancel the flights as I enquired about this with Air NZ. Turns out it would also cost me $150 to change the dates and destination and that I couldn't go with anyone other than my ex-husband since his name is on the ticket and it's non-transferable.  So there goes $500 up in flames.  And if I choose to go on my own and attend at least one counselling session - I will have three lonely days in Nelson by myself (know no one there that I know) with my son paying for our stay down there out of money my ex-husband is saying we don't have.

I have spent the best part of today feeling upset, hurt and rejected while my ex-husband ummed and ahhed about whether or not he was going to go down to Nelson or not.  I thought about why I had considered having marriage counselling with my ex and realised that despite his faults and his contribution, I have felt guilty that my marriage has failed and responsible for its failure.  I felt like I had an obligation to try to make it work in part because I still find it difficult facing up to a failed marriage and humiliation that comes with that.  For the past 18mths I have wondered whether I should attend marriage counselling with my ex.  Early on I said to him that I would not consider him moving back until he'd sought counselling.  In the end he attended a few times and stopped (half-hearted attempt at it) and I ended up agreeing to a few sessions of relationship counselling prior to our son being born and agreed to him coming back home as a result.  Of course, it all turned to custard again and the next time he left I told him I wouldn't have him back unless he'd attended his own counselling or an anger management programme.  He had all the excuses in the world as to why he couldn't do this - and yet he agreed to marriage counselling.  This is the 2nd time he's found a reason not to go to marriage counselling when it came down to attending the appointments.  Both were to do with work.  In the back of my mind there was the nagging doubt "did I do everything I could?"  Today, instead of grief I felt like a weight had lifted off me and the book had finally closed on our marriage.  I can move on without guilt.  I had told him it was our last opportunity and I wasn't going to give him anymore.  His reply?  "Whatever..."

It hurts and it is the ultimate rejection that your husband does not want to try everything possible to make the marriage work.  But perhaps we both had that ambivalence in common?  It's definitely time to let go and move on.  It's all sad and I regret it but what more can I do?  There will be a vacant seat next to me should I go to Nelson highlighting the fact that my husband did not choose me.

Should I go, I will have the counselling to discuss what I contributed to the failing of our marriage and some of the issues I have as a result of that failed marriage.  

10 Good Reasons Why I Shouldn't Date My Husband

As you may have read by now, my husband and I have been separated for 18mths.  The first time we separated I was actually about 5mths pregnant but we attended a few counselling sessions and got back together right before our baby was born.  9mths later, we separated again.  In about three weeks time, we have the opportunity to attend marriage counselling in Nelson.  Why there and why now?  I happened to come in contact with a counsellor whose approach I believe is the only one that might help our marriage.  It would take me a while to explain why, but essentially, I believe that if there is any hope for us - this is it.

So why has it taken me 18mths to do make this step?  Here are 10 good reasons why:

1. My husband has issues.  He has depression with an anxiety disorder, a history of alcoholism (he hasn't had a drink since well before our 2.5yr old son was born mind you) and a bad temper.  The two times we separated he had hurt me physically.  Not beaten me, sure, but still hurt me.  Both of us have baggage from our family background.  It has to be said that mine is more resolved than his is simply because I worked on it for several years in counselling in my early 20's, but we still press one another's buttons and react in ways that cause distress in the other person and in this way, we are not an ideal match.
2. My condition for getting back together was that he got help for his issues - counselling and anger management.  He has not done either despite initially promising he would to now refusing to as it would mean that he accepted the lion-share of the blame for our failed marriage.
3. We fight a lot.  We disagree on a lot of things and seem unable to resolve our conflict or to "fight" in a way that is respectful.  And we have too much conflict.  Neither of us want to have arguments or constant conflict in our lives - and especially don't want to have that kind of environment for our son.
4. Trust has been eroded.  The hurt that has gone on between us with the things we have said and the things we have done has meant that neither of us trust one another.  From my perspective, it means that I can't trust him to be vulnerable with him - to share myself with him without being criticized or rejected.  Perhaps he feels the same?
5. We are complete opposites when it comes to our personalities.  You know how I love to analyze personalities?  If you know Myers Briggs, I am an ESFJ - he is the exact opposite: INTP.  Where I am an extrovert, love to go out and meet people, mingle, be with people - he loves to stay at home.  Where I love to interact, talk and have company - he likes his own space.  He is a Thinker while I am a Feeler - it's like we are talking a different language and while I communicate in an Emotional Language that he doesn't understand and often ridicules or brushes aside, he processes things logically and rationally so that we cannot see eye-to-eye about a vast number of issues.  While I am very structured and like routine and to plan - he is all over the place, easy-going and difficult to pin down, procrastinates and puts things off to the last minute.  My approach makes him anxious.  His approach makes me frustrated and anxious.
6. Love Language - if you have ever studied relationships and "The 5 Love Languages" then you will know what I'm talking about when I say that I feel most loved when I am given Quality Time and Physical Affection.  I still cannot figure out my ex's but if I had to put my money somewhere, I would say that his would be Serving and Gifts.  When we were married, I hated the fact that when I was watching TV he would be on the computer and vice versa.  If we happened to share the lounge, he would be in a separate chair while I was on the couch.  If we were out in public he would never take my hand or put an arm around me when we were at a family function.  Physical affection in those circumstances were always initiated by me.  Since he was promoted in his job and our son was born, he's been trying to work all God's hours to try and meet our ever-pressing financial demands as parents.  This means that he has very little time for our son let alone himself and it's only fair that those should be his priorities.  But as we've been talking over attending marriage counselling, he still pays me little attention.  The time we spend is handing our son over and discussing him briefly, or perhaps a few minutes conversation about our work.  He often shows little interest in my world and seems totally pre-occupied with his.  I often wonder (especially with his anxiety-disorder and the level of stress he can/cannot handle) whether there is actually room for me in his world.  Rightly or wrongly (with regards to our present marital status) it makes me feel neglected and I worry that should we restore our marriage I would end up lonely and neglected.  I'm also not sure how best to love him - I feel at a complete loss as to what he needs from me besides "not nagging" or "not criticizing" - perhaps he needs encouragement?  But it's difficult to know because he's not always good at communicating those needs and I think, not always good at understanding himself.  He is certainly adverse to "emotional discussions" as that's just not how he works and he avoids it as much as possible and finds it very draining.
7. We have lost the best parts of our relationship - our friendship.  Through our separation (those who have gone through a marriage break-up will know how sour it can become) we lost all the good parts of our relationship in terms of companionship, warmth, good times, humour.  As I've mentioned, it now literally consists of discussing our son's care and the logistics of that - there is virtually no time at all invested in our relationship with one another.
8. My ex is on serious anti-depressants that completely affect his libido and lower his sex drive and passion for sex.  When I first met him he was very passionate.  However, he has been on these for a long time and although not as passionate as I would like, there was still interest.  Since our separation he has shown no interest in me sexually whatsoever.  That may not be a surprise again considering our marital status but in those 18mths he has not had sex with anyone else, tells me he doesn't miss sex and I can tell by the way he looks at me (or doesn't look at me) that he barely notices me even in instances when most men would!  This concerns me for two reasons - one being that I feel loved by physical affection and the second that I am extremely passionate, have a very healthy sex drive (my friends who know me as the author of this blog really didn't want to know that, sorry!) and it's extremely important to me.  Being in a sexless or very passionless or sexually dull marriage would be simply hideous.  While he may say that the reason for his lack of interest is due to our unresolved issues, built-up resentment and ongoing conflict (understandable) - I'm still concerned that either he won't trust me emotionally to overcome it or the physical deficiencies are such that it will never be more than mediocre.  To me this is more than just meeting a physical need that I have, but emotional needs as well and the rejection I have experienced in this department has been painful for me.
9. The cost to me.  My marriage was embarrassingly brief and in that time I fell pregnant and had my first child.  It's difficult to separate the marriage and the adjustment of being a mother for the first time, but certainly the difficulties we were having in our marriage contributed to my post-natal depression.  My self-esteem was so low, I hated myself.  I totally lost who I was.  As many counsellors say "if the cost of being with your partner is yourself then the price is too high".  Could be a Dr. Phil-ism.  Either way, I am not prepared to go through that again.  Separating made me like myself again.  A little bit of counselling helped me see myself again and make room for me in my life.  A whole range of things have helped me heal from the depression and dating helped me realise that I am attractive both physically and in my personality.  But I know that I am vulnerable still and I fear being in the place that I was when I was with my ex-husband.
10. My son is 2 years old.  All he has ever known is being a child of two parents who adore him but live separately.  We are his most favourite people in all the world.  Should we get back together again and it doesn't work, how painful will it be and emotionally scarring if we were to separate again?  The first time he was just 9mths but this time he is much older and much more aware.  I worry about the risk we would be taking should we decide to give it a go.

Perhaps you can see from the reasons above why I have not bothered to turn to marriage counselling when the subject has come up or why I have concluded that there is no hope for us when I have considered it.  Perhaps you are wondering why I am considering it now - and I can assure you there are days where I wonder that myself.  So why am I going ahead with it?

1. I fell in-love with my ex-husband and it was the kind of love that despite everything that has happened between us, and with all the feelings that have dissipated due to our history and circumstances, I still love him.  It's the kind of love that's more than loyalty.  I guess you could say it's unconditional love.  I believe I will always love him.  Maybe I won't with time and if I found someone else to love.  But it's a love that goes with the commitment you make in marriage to someone that is very very deep.
2. Marriage means a lot to me.  Probably a lot to do with the Christian faith I have held.  I don't treat it lightly and in many ways the most devastating part of separating from my husband was the failure of an institution I believed in and was committed to.
3. With this in mind, I have wondered whether I gave up too easily.  Not to say that we hadn't tried relationship counselling a few times - just that it wasn't very helpful at the time and I wondered that with the right kind of help whether we might be able to resolve our issues.  In fairness, it's not that I "gave up too easily" (because I think I have actually been extremely loyal to my ex perhaps to my own detriment - I probably should have set more boundaries - and put up with a lot of things other's wouldn't dream of putting up with); it's the nagging doubt about whether I have in fact tried everything that I could.  And to that I'd have to say I haven't.  I want to be able to look myself in the mirror, and my son in the eye and say I tried everything I could.
4. I know if it's possible to mend our marriage, then it's the most ideal situation for our son (bearing in mind that a marriage full of abuse or conflict is worse for our son than separation!)
5. My ex-husband and I have both expressed a willingness to go to marriage counselling and a willingness to change the things about ourselves that need to change in order for it to work.  Now whether or not this is true for my ex-husband (in the past he has agreed to anger management, counselling and marriage counselling and then found excuses not to go or attended and been half-hearted when in the counsellor's room) remains to be seen.  And whether or not we are in fact able to change sufficiently to make it work also remains to be seen.

Perhaps most important of all is that I have trust in the counsellor we will be seeing.  Trust that he will be able to view our situation in all of its complexities and tell us the truth.  Regardless of the outcome, I know it's something that I have to do as long as my husband is also willing and wanting to do it.