In between bouts of reading Marian Keyes chick-lit I have a little narrative going in my head I thought I'd share with you... tongue is a little bit in cheek but am also indulging in a bit of momentary self-pity.
I have been having a debate with myself to make sure that I won't settle for anything except someone who's kind of crazy about me that I'm crazy about - which, if you ask me - could mean that I'm in for a long wait - and so I'd perhaps better get used to singledom (singlehood? singleness?) and dress it up as something fun and refer to myself as a singleton. And say to everyone "oh I LOVE being single!" like the others do when it's painfully obvious that their 1 bedroom apartment with cat is really not that fulfilling whatsoever.
But the problem is that men are often "not that into me." When I think about it, even my husband isn't/wasn't that into me. We dated for two-and-a-half years and I had to give him an ultimatum in the end about "marriage or I walk" and in hindsight he wasn't leaping to the altar although he definitely was leaping to the honeymoon suite later that night...
And come to think of it I don't think my own mother is really that "into me"... or the rest of my family, or my friends for that matter (sorry friends). And the men that are really into me, wouldn't you know it, I'm not into myself.
There is, however, one little glimmer of joy in this entire pity-me post - my 2 year old son. I have to say that despite my absolute exhaustion that he brings out in me, he is one boy that I can say categorically that I am totally besotted with. I look at him and he is perfect to me. His eyes couldn't be more beautiful. The way his hair curls I think is the cutest thing in the world. I love the way he says his "L's" (he can't say them). And the way his hair bounces when he walks. And we have the most incredible bond. When I remember all this I am grateful to God, grateful to the universe for giving me him.
I have been having a debate with myself to make sure that I won't settle for anything except someone who's kind of crazy about me that I'm crazy about - which, if you ask me - could mean that I'm in for a long wait - and so I'd perhaps better get used to singledom (singlehood? singleness?) and dress it up as something fun and refer to myself as a singleton. And say to everyone "oh I LOVE being single!" like the others do when it's painfully obvious that their 1 bedroom apartment with cat is really not that fulfilling whatsoever.
But the problem is that men are often "not that into me." When I think about it, even my husband isn't/wasn't that into me. We dated for two-and-a-half years and I had to give him an ultimatum in the end about "marriage or I walk" and in hindsight he wasn't leaping to the altar although he definitely was leaping to the honeymoon suite later that night...
And come to think of it I don't think my own mother is really that "into me"... or the rest of my family, or my friends for that matter (sorry friends). And the men that are really into me, wouldn't you know it, I'm not into myself.
There is, however, one little glimmer of joy in this entire pity-me post - my 2 year old son. I have to say that despite my absolute exhaustion that he brings out in me, he is one boy that I can say categorically that I am totally besotted with. I look at him and he is perfect to me. His eyes couldn't be more beautiful. The way his hair curls I think is the cutest thing in the world. I love the way he says his "L's" (he can't say them). And the way his hair bounces when he walks. And we have the most incredible bond. When I remember all this I am grateful to God, grateful to the universe for giving me him.
Ex comes over to drop off our son. After telling my ex how hurt I felt that he didn't want me and wondered if I'd ever get over it, he proceeded to tell me that if I continued to nag I'd never have a relationship with anyone (a-hole!), to which I suggested he leave and had to pretend to happily wave him off with my son saying goodbye.
ReplyDeleteAnd then this email from my mum today:
Don't give up hope.
God loves you and cares for you and He will give you a future and a hope. You are blessed with a great little boy.
I am praying that God will come to your aid.
Love Mum
In her own way, she IS loving and I take some of my pity-party back...
Oh hun, I hear your self pity.... you took the words right out of my mouth even! I would have to say now that my Mum is into me (and my two gorgeous boys) but she wasn't really when I was growing up. But she was a young, single parent, trying to deal with all the pressures that I am now trying to deal with as a not so young, single parent.
ReplyDeleteHave you heard of the different love languages? I'm sure your mum adores you but perhaps you two have different love languages and therefore you miss many of the signs of her love. Good you see this one though :)
I really admire your courage to try dating, I have registered on a couple of dating sites but when it comes down to it, haven't spoken to anyone I'm actually keen to meet (or even speak to on the phone). I also have romantic hopes, but is it really that much to ask to find someone who adores you? Shouldn't be, but when you scratch the surface, it seems few people actually do find that someone who adores them. Many seem to coexist for the sake of convenience (or money) after the first few years.
Some good comments Nic thanks.
DeleteI'm so sorry your husband has not stepped up. It sounds to me that he is just not mentally, emotionally and evenly physically able to do this at this point. But you can't put your and your son's life on hold for ever waiting for him to come around. My dad never did and he took his anxieties, delusions about relationships and depression to his grave.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve to have some someone into you - and into you for the long -haul. I've been there in relationships where I was thought I would never feel like someone was really into me. I almost dated as many as you did in a short period of time going through my own checklist. It was when I decided to back off for a while and just focus on me that the one turned up. 10 years down the line through more challenges than I would care to recount we are still going strong. It is possible. xxx
Hey thanks that is really encouraging and I really appreciate it.
DeleteWas having an interesting convo to my sis after my speed date experience about how some people just need a few pointers, like dress, hygeine, conversation skills, then she proceeded to tell me about an odd flatmate she had at uni, As in quirky but bubbly, dress sense could be great or terrible, and often had a serious BO issue, so the debate among her friends was do we give her a few tips about how to get date #3 (first was amazing, second was invariably a flop, so hence no #3) But in the years that followed, she met a divorcee who is totally besotted with everything about her and they are now married (wonder about his sense of smell?) adores her and would not change a thing, has even said he prefers his (current) wifes own choice of outfit for a night out over the hot outfit my gorgeous always stunningly dressed fashion model sister suggested (as in, not thanks I actually prefer what she has already chosen) So the advice was that maybe those of us (myself included) who are a bit quirky, odd, random, will not find true love (someone totally into you) as easily as those who are a bit more bland and generic. But doesnt mean we give up or settle for less. Its just a harder longer road, but I wouldn't give up my quirkyness for anything, would rather be 100% me in all my messy glory, and single, than bland, orderly, organised, sensible and married. And on the other note, about people not being that into you, family and friends, I sometimes feel the same, interpreting lack of contact, or people putting their partner relationships and life ahead of our friendship. And in my family I feel like the unstable messy one who just has a train wreck of a life and couldnt make a good decision to save herself. But I like who I am, (mostly) I like the spiritual path I follow, I like the priorities I have chosen in life, I like my decor, my clothes,my passion, my hobbies, my personality, my life. So what if it occasionally feels like no-one else gets me, I get me. So lotsa love from over here xxxxx Austins Mum
ReplyDelete