So I got this text last night from Date #16 saying that he assumed I wasn't interested in a relationship then since he hadn't heard from me. I replied saying that I really didn't want to be in a relationship at the moment while I sort myself out. He said that was a shame because he really liked me. He then offered friends with benefits or friends that f***. I said I wasn't interested in casual sex. I then got message after message telling me that I was a fat, greasy sl*t and that I acted like I was sooo pretty but I really wasn't and that he saw I was a train wreck right from the beginning. And when I didn't reply he said "and don't act all waaaaaaaah just because I'm calling you out for being a cow." He seems to have this kind of reaction whenever I have in any way not given him what he wants or in same way rejected him (even though not once did I say any personal criticism towards him but gave reasons that were entirely about myself!)
Even if I was attracted to him physically (which I'm not), men like this are dangerous. There are two extremes to their personality. On the one hand they can be charming, attentive, caring, sweet. On the other hand they can be the most cruel, angry person imaginable and then blame you for "making them that way". It's very abusive and if you lived in a relationship with such a person, it would be as bad as "battered wife syndrome". How I know this is that I experienced it with my ex-husband - and I will not be going back to it, I can assure you. Either our relationship changes in all the way it needs to or we go our separate ways - and we are both in agreement with that.
Someone asked me about early warning signs. The first time I saw Date #16 lose his temper, it was on the stretch of road on Scenic Drive that made me not want to be in his car a moment longer. Of course, all the other stuff he'd been saying that night certainly was something to pay attention to. That was our 4th date, so it happened pretty early on. Obviously you want someone who can fight fair and respectfully and keep a hold of their temper when they're feeling criticized or rejected. I respect a man who can stick up for himself but does so without stripping you down with his words.
The test of a man is when he is angry or stressed. I'm no expert at finding a good, healthy relationship - so please don't look to me to be your role model by any means! But that advice was given to me by a very wise woman and I think it is true. Pay attention to how the man you are dating deals with stress and anger. Does he shut down? Does he communicate? Does he blow up? Does he say cruel things to you? Call you names? Fight dirty?
There's one other thing. If someone has come from a very abusive childhood - and by very abusive, I mean psychological and/or physical abuse but especially both - be very, very careful. I'm not talking about sexual abuse here - because I don't have experience in my own life or dating someone who has experienced sexual abuse, so I really can't share on that subject. But with psychological/physical abuse, a person naturally has a lot of major issues no matter how "together" they appear on the surface.
Now I say this coming from that kind of childhood myself. In my case I spent more than 2 years in counselling dealing with it. Most people don't take that kind of time to face up to it and deal with the results. And I'm by no means sorted. My experience is that women who have come from such a background often pick an unstable man (puts up hand) and herself tries to find ways to control him and her environment to make her feel a sense of security. Now that on it's own does not necessarily end up being a disaster if she is with the right man who can deal with it - although it certainly has the potential to damage a relationship with her partner and her kids! My experience of men is that they grow up angry and end up acting in the same way as the man they grew to hate - their father - and then deny that this is the case. It may not be all the time but it will be a combination of the anger/injustice he feels as a result of being abused and witnessing abuse and abusive behaviour being the way he has seen a man deal with anger or stress. And of course, teaming up with a woman with tendencies to control to feel secure is a match made in hell - especially if control was another factor in his upbringing.
Don't get me wrong, everyone deserves a chance at love and happiness - myself included. It wasn't my fault that I had such an upbringing. All I'm saying is that you need to tread very very carefully if you discover someone has had this kind of upbringing, and find out in what ways they have faced it and dealt with it - if at all. Sometimes they can be the most wonderful partner simply for having gone through it and dealt with it. But especially in men, I find that is rarely the case.
The tickets to Nelson are booked and paid for to attend Marriage Counselling with my ex. I can't help but wonder if the entire thing is a total waste of money - but I cannot explain it, it feels like it's something that I need to do even though I have to admit there are days I want to call the whole thing off.
Even if I was attracted to him physically (which I'm not), men like this are dangerous. There are two extremes to their personality. On the one hand they can be charming, attentive, caring, sweet. On the other hand they can be the most cruel, angry person imaginable and then blame you for "making them that way". It's very abusive and if you lived in a relationship with such a person, it would be as bad as "battered wife syndrome". How I know this is that I experienced it with my ex-husband - and I will not be going back to it, I can assure you. Either our relationship changes in all the way it needs to or we go our separate ways - and we are both in agreement with that.
Someone asked me about early warning signs. The first time I saw Date #16 lose his temper, it was on the stretch of road on Scenic Drive that made me not want to be in his car a moment longer. Of course, all the other stuff he'd been saying that night certainly was something to pay attention to. That was our 4th date, so it happened pretty early on. Obviously you want someone who can fight fair and respectfully and keep a hold of their temper when they're feeling criticized or rejected. I respect a man who can stick up for himself but does so without stripping you down with his words.
The test of a man is when he is angry or stressed. I'm no expert at finding a good, healthy relationship - so please don't look to me to be your role model by any means! But that advice was given to me by a very wise woman and I think it is true. Pay attention to how the man you are dating deals with stress and anger. Does he shut down? Does he communicate? Does he blow up? Does he say cruel things to you? Call you names? Fight dirty?
There's one other thing. If someone has come from a very abusive childhood - and by very abusive, I mean psychological and/or physical abuse but especially both - be very, very careful. I'm not talking about sexual abuse here - because I don't have experience in my own life or dating someone who has experienced sexual abuse, so I really can't share on that subject. But with psychological/physical abuse, a person naturally has a lot of major issues no matter how "together" they appear on the surface.
Now I say this coming from that kind of childhood myself. In my case I spent more than 2 years in counselling dealing with it. Most people don't take that kind of time to face up to it and deal with the results. And I'm by no means sorted. My experience is that women who have come from such a background often pick an unstable man (puts up hand) and herself tries to find ways to control him and her environment to make her feel a sense of security. Now that on it's own does not necessarily end up being a disaster if she is with the right man who can deal with it - although it certainly has the potential to damage a relationship with her partner and her kids! My experience of men is that they grow up angry and end up acting in the same way as the man they grew to hate - their father - and then deny that this is the case. It may not be all the time but it will be a combination of the anger/injustice he feels as a result of being abused and witnessing abuse and abusive behaviour being the way he has seen a man deal with anger or stress. And of course, teaming up with a woman with tendencies to control to feel secure is a match made in hell - especially if control was another factor in his upbringing.
Don't get me wrong, everyone deserves a chance at love and happiness - myself included. It wasn't my fault that I had such an upbringing. All I'm saying is that you need to tread very very carefully if you discover someone has had this kind of upbringing, and find out in what ways they have faced it and dealt with it - if at all. Sometimes they can be the most wonderful partner simply for having gone through it and dealt with it. But especially in men, I find that is rarely the case.
The tickets to Nelson are booked and paid for to attend Marriage Counselling with my ex. I can't help but wonder if the entire thing is a total waste of money - but I cannot explain it, it feels like it's something that I need to do even though I have to admit there are days I want to call the whole thing off.
I think this is an extremely insightful post. My experience with males that suffered from abuse in childhood pans out to pretty much the same as yours. It's simply something that we need to learn from and move on. We can't make them change -they can only do that for themselves.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the counselling. I hope that even if you and your husband cannot find a way to reconcile, the counselling can help you find some answers to some of your questions in your life.
Also, good job on managing to stave off the nutbar. He would have only turned into someone who would emotionally blackmail you to get his way, and that's not healthy.
Hey thanks yes I will have to rewrite it since I deleted it and send it to my avid fans lol..
ReplyDeleteThanks for the interest and feedback! I have to agree that I hope that even if it doesn't mean reconciliation between us, that we would have been able to lay it to rest and learn from the whole situation. Regardless of whether we are together, I want to change and he tells me he does so the truth will help both of us.
Glad the nutbar is out - that was surely a recipe for disaster. I hope that you and your husband can work things out with counselling. You have such wisdom and emotional maturity and your posts really reflect this.
ReplyDeleteoh thank God thank God... i was really concerned for you, he is a danger to people. i was in a relationship with a man for 10yrs like this, that;s why i was so vocal in last comment about Mr Nut :)
ReplyDelete