"The Priest"

Most of the time when I go on a date, I'm in a good headspace.  I couldn't tell you why I wasn't this time.  Maybe it's because I had hopes for it turning out - even though I knew he was going to be moving away from Auckland in the coming months.  I was nervous.  I literally had to give myself a good pep-talk in the car - you know, the self-affirmation thing.  I was a bit early which of course makes me more nervous - being the one waiting.

I didn't know exactly what to expect.  His photos weren't good in terms of detail.  We had been talking for a while (online) by the time we met, so I knew a bit about him.  He was not a priest at all but a newly ordained Anglican vicar or whatever the technical term is (I don't know!)  He was about to fill a post which was a mandatory part of the process for I think three years in a small town.  I thought at the time that I was likely to be travelling with my job so it needn't be an issue.

Due to my nerves, I asked all about him.  I responded with my own thoughts on what he said and we had lengthy and interesting conversations about faith and God and Christianity and church.  While he held fairly traditional views, and mine were probably very non-traditional in comparison, we seemed to still find common ground.  I have to say, I really enjoyed the conversation because it is rare for me to find someone who shares that common interest - if it can be described that way.

I found him to be very nice, diplomatic, affirming and pleasant - just as you would expect a young vicar to be.  He seemed very conservative in comparison to the guys I'd been spending time with, and well brought up.  Possibly a bit too traditional and conservative for me - but definitely worth getting to know and spending time with at least to find out if there was any potential there.

As we were wrapping things up and he mentioned he was going to walk into the city from there (he took the bus to the cafe).  I said I'd give him a lift but I was on my way to the Osteopath.  The very odd thing was that as we said goodbye to one another and he left, I saw him start sprinting down the road out of the corner of my eye and I wondered what that was about!  Did he badly need to go to the loo and didn't like to say while we were having coffee together - saw McDonalds and made a run for it?  Did he take up my suggestion that he catch a bus in to the city and had spotted one pulling away?  Did he have another date lined up and was late?  Or was he just so relieved to get out of there that he wanted to put as much distance between us in as short a time as possible?  It has perplexed me ever since but I did not like to ask in case it was the loo thing and it offended his sensibilities to discuss such matters.

Later that day (or could have been the next) I had a lovely message from him simply saying that I had inspired him in our conversation about helping the community and I replied by saying that I admired the sacrifice it required of him to go into ministry and his commitment to it.  He never replied.  So I figured "yup - not that into me...just wanted to wish me well."

For some strange reason this last failed date had a real affect on me.  I suppose I had been having mixed feelings about dating or being in a relationship for a while, but at this time I was really struggling with the rejection I was beginning to feel from "putting myself out there" and it not going well.  I discovered I was still reeling from the rejection I felt from my ex-husband.  It was about this time that things began to unravel for me.  I realised that I still loved my husband, that I found his rejection (not wanting to work it out with me) very painful and for some reason this last date was the one that opened my eyes to it.  

Speeddating Revisited

So I was late arriving at the Speed Dating event.  My mother is about to visit my brother in Hawaii and was blathering on to me about it while I struggled with my shoes (I have a love-hate relationship with these particular shoes - the hate part is due to the buckles taking 20 minutes to do up).  But I have to say I was relieved to be late.  It meant that I didn't have to sit there like an idiot at the bar with no one to talk to since I went alone.  Yes!  I went alone!!!

I was informed that two women had already left due to the low numbers that had turned out - particularly men.  And I learned later that another got up and left after complaining to one of the men that the "talent" was very poor and she had met half of them at a previous Speeddating event.  While I could understand her reasons for leaving, I didn't think much of her sharing it with one of those guys she considered were "without talent".

I strolled in confidently finding the whole scene most entertaining.  It has to be said that for a mother of a young child, a night out doing anything is exciting no matter what it is.

OK, I was a little nervous but it didn't last long.  As the bell sounded, my first "date" arrived and immediately I knew it was a waste of time.  He was from Iran, middle-aged and all I remember about him was that the time dragged on and on and I thought that 5 minutes would never end.  I asked him as many questions as I could to fill the empty space.

There was one guy amongst the 10 or 12 I met who carried a notebook with him in case he ever got stuck for questions or to write notes so he could give you careful consideration later.  One of his questions was, "what was the last book you read?"  I tried to explain that I was hooked on a Marian Keyes run of novels from my local 2nd hand bookstore but he likened them to Mills and Boon (apparently the term "Chicklit" was lost on him and 'Romance Novels' only came in the Mills and Boon form).  This made me feel suitably put out since the last time I read a Mills and Boon was on a dull day at work  at the oldies' Retirement Village and although Marian Keyes couldn't be described as "serious reading" I'd like to think of myself as intelligent enough to discern a good author/read from a bad one.  Danielle Steel, for example, does nothing for me.  In fact, I find myself hoping something terrible happens to the main heroine in the hope that the story might improve.

Another guy that stands out in my memory introduced himself as someone who worked at the Warehouse, and who usually wouldn't be out at this time but working a shift.  He kept watching his clock and indicated that he needed to go soon - something to do with his mother expecting him home.

And yet another was a short, obnoxious loud mouth, dressed so scruffily he looked like he'd just walked off a building site.  I remember he either had extremely stained teeth or missing teeth or maybe both.  He actually had the cheek to point out other men in the room and put them down.  It was very uncomfortable and since I'd already had a few brief conversations with him (because he was the sort of person who forced you to) prior to officially meeting him at my table, I was dreading my five minutes with him and was very happy to see the back end of it (the five minutes that is - believe me, I had no interest in seeing his back end at all)...

Overall, the woman who left deeply unimpressed by the talent was quite right.  At some point into the night, I found myself considering men who I would never normally consider, and then ticking the "yes" box simply because otherwise I would walk away with not one date and it all seemed such a waste of money.  The most attractive man there (who seemed very cocky in actual fact but at least halfway normal) was only a few inches taller than myself.  And I am 5'3".  There were a couple of other older professional men who I also ticked yes to simply because we had a good conversation not because there was any connection, chemistry or attraction.  I think I ticked around 3 yes boxes but only one of those had ticked yes for me - can you imagine how that felt!  But as it was, the man I was "matched with" never contacted me nor I him - and I'm relieved.  In hindsight I didn't want to spend time with any of those guys.  None of them seemed right for me.

I know how I sound right now - a bit too cool for school, and as my dear "ex-friend" would say - I'm not "all that"! (bitch).. But I was kind and respectful to those men and honestly thought many of them were lovely - they were just not right for me.  Later on, I joined a group of women and there was one woman in particular who was keen to bag the lot of them and I found myself defending Mr. Notebook (bald, middle-aged, glasses -not my type, but he was a nice guy if a little peculiar - and I don't like to hear nice guys being scorned like that!)  But we could all relate to the Iranian being "the longest 5 minutes we'd ever spent".

So that was my Speeddating experience which I intend to never repeat.

Osteopath Crush

Well it's been very quiet on the dating front, sadly.  Although I have to say that when I was seeing the student Osteopath today and her drop-dead gorgeous tutor walked in I thought to myself, surely this would count as Date #19?  After all, I was lying prostrate and half-naked and he put his hands on me (admittedly it was my neck he put his hands on - but he had a good view of my boobs pointing up towards the ceiling).  Not to mention the fact that he had put aftershave on for the occasion and smelt divine!  I found myself feeling in equal measures proud and embarrassed of the mammoth size of my boobs (it is seriously shocking what pregnancy and breastfeeding did to my boobs and now DD is a distant memory...)  He left with a smile and wishing me a good weekend.  To be honest, it's better than many of the dates I've been on so far!  Ok, admittedly he might have manipulated and made my neck crack a bit which other dates have not done, but certainly relieved pain rather than added to it.

I am going to keep my 4:30pm Friday appointment and start wearing makeup and doing my hair and not wearing dire clothes like I was today or my unflattering jeans or my shoes that make my feet stink when I take them off.  And I'm going to spray myself with perfume and peppermint spray my stinky feet and make sure I give him eye contact and flirt a little whilst sucking in my tummy...  And might even mention that to my student Osteo that I think her tutor is cute - as long as he's not wearing a wedding ring.  But let's face it - he's probably taken.

Moving on...

My many conversations with numerous interesting and attractive men seem to have fizzled on my Findsomeone/NZ Dating websites.  I'm wondering why this is.  Those of you who are in the world of internet dating, perhaps you can tell me what your experiences are and what you think is going on?  It's not like any of these men have suggested that we meet up (as yet), but clearly they are interested, otherwise why would they bother to chat backwards and forwards?  And because I want to know that he's into me and therefore to do the inviting out (and also I want to get to know them a bit before I meet up with them), I often chat to them for a little while at least.  But eventually (and by eventually I mean maybe a week or two at the most), he doesn't reply to my last message and so it sort of "fizzes".

What I want to know is - why is it fizzing?  Is it because I need to move faster and suggest we talk on the phone or meet up because invariably he is also talking to other women and met them and they've begun something?  Or is it because of something I have said that they've decided I'm not for them or they've just lost interest?  Or something else?

Anyway, all is not lost as I have a few other things I'm going to try:

1) a singles social group where we meet up socially about once or maybe twice a month (still haven't got to know people well yet)
2) I've organized an event via the internet dating sites while I'm away attending a course in a nearby city and invited all the yummiest guys I could find in the area.. course other women will be there (sadly) :)
3) I'm attending another event here in Auckland where through the events on the dating site Find Someone with about 80 other people
4) I'm going to speed dating next week (not Verity's speed dating but another one)

So I'm still putting myself out there... fingers crossed I'll have more to report soon :)

With Friends Like You - Who Needs Enemas?

Verity from Speed Dating in Auckland posted a Facebook status today that captured a letter she had received to encourage her after all the criticism she'd had recently for her service.  However, towards the bottom of the letter it read:

"Be encouraged, forget the silly nonsense from whiners.
I have plenty of those friends, complain of the lack of quality men, and dam they aint all that themselves, but bless their little deluded selves they will stay single and bitter forever.
Will be in touch babe, keep your chin up and see you again soon (-:"

Unfortunately for the person that wrote that letter and for the person that publically posted it on Facebook - I am one of her friends.  I recognized her situation the minute I read it and since I'm one of her single friends I had to ask her about it.  Sure enough, she wrote the letter.  And when I asked her about the statements above  (what friends were you talking about?) she decided to not only unfriend me but also block me.  After 20 years of friendship (we were best friends in high school and so we've known each other for more like 23 years - since we were 14) in 2 seconds flat after hurting me and seemingly without caring two hoots about it, she ends it.

This is the second time she has been found out backstabbing me.  The last time I had invited her along to a regular social event I ran for single parents as a kind of support to them (and me as I was going through a separation at the time).  Upon coming along and befriending everyone she then criticized everything about me and the way I ran it.  The end result was that I found out about it and all the people that had been coming, stopped coming and the group died.  I should have ditched her then.  She said at the time that she was ashamed and was sorry but despite my saying I forgave her as that's what friends do when people stuff up - she was never the same towards me.  Kept her distance and in hindsight whenever I shared things about my career for instance that was going well, she sat in awkward silence as if she believed that I couldn't do anything of the kind (I'm very ambitious when it comes to my career but you'd expect your friends to cheer you on wouldn't you?)

About a week ago she sought me for a character reference.  Believe it or not, she is seeking to go into the world of mentoring, Christian ministry and counselling and teaching!  At the time I have to say I had reservations about giving her a reference.  But because I was her friend I decided to support her and believe in her.  Now I wish I hadn't.  Until she can learn how to be a good friend, how not to sit in judgment of other people and how to keep her big mouth shut she's unlikely to be very good at her job.  It's the basics of good character I would have thought - and there are too many two-faced people out there pretending to be something they're not.  How can you teach others to have good character when you struggle to show that yourself?  And fair enough if you make a mistake, but own it for heavens sake instead of blame-shifting.  I'm so astonished at the lack of sensitivity and once found out the could-care-less attitude.  Not someone I'd pick for a mentor or a counsellor, personally.

Well my gripe does not just lie there - because at the time I asked Verity whether she would remove her status from her facebook page as I found it upsetting to have it up there.  Verity uses her own name as the Speed Dating business facebook page.  Unfortunately, Verity responded by saying that she thought it odd that I thought I knew the person and she wouldn't remove the status but would instead unfriend me so I wouldn't see her status!

Don't get me wrong, I have attended one of Verity's events and had a lot of fun and I thought Verity was a nice person, however she's clearly not dealing with complaints/criticism well.  She has decided to publically post the complaints into newsletters and on her facebook page instead of addressing them privately and professionally (which prompted my friend's letter to "try and counter the attacks she'd received").  And in my case, instead of at the very least removing a few sentences at the end of the letter, Verity chose to delete me, one of her customers.  Even if she disagreed with my request - why would you do that to a customer in a situation like this?  That is unprofessional and a hell of a way to do business. 

So all in a day's work:  I have been publically criticized, unfriended (twice), blocked and had a "friend" betray me and get rid of me as if I was dirt on her shoe.  But as the title implies - who needs friends like that?

Date #18 "The Lawnmower Man"

So I had been chatting online backwards and forwards with "The Lawnmower Man" - sometimes several messages every night.  It was nice to "come home to someone" to tell them about my day, to be honest.  I liked the look of his photo.  I had concerns that maybe he was too quiet or perhaps did not have anything intelligent to say, but as I got to know him there was a warmth growing between us in our messages, and I learned that he was very well-read and had a keen interest in learning.

So eventually I asked him if he would like to meet up.  He hadn't said anything and I wondered how long it would take him - in the meantime, I was concerned that I would build someone up in my head and grow to fancy that man only to be let down by real life!

I'd suggested coffee and he'd suggested St Lukes or Lynmall, so I went with St Lukes.  I'm not a great fan of malls - and having coffee in a mall is hardly what I'd call pleasant but I didn't want him to think that I had to be the one making all the decisions so I agreed.  I arrived early, and settled with my mochaccino to read the newspaper.  I was starving because it was right on dinner time.  I'd clearly been excited by our connection online as I had specially got my hair done in low lights and highlights and straightened and bought new clothes.     It was practically a whole day's worth of preparation.  When I texted him to tell me I'd arrived, he said that he would be there in 13 minutes.  I was going to make a joke about how precise that was but decided he'd be driving.

He arrived wearing a green shirt and green shorts.  I have to say it was very disappointing.  Do you know that what a man wears, how he carries himself and his personality are the most attractive things about him?  Well, that's my opinion anyway.  Because he had some classic good looks about him that might dazzle someone - but for whatever reason I didn't feel dazzled.  We talked mostly about our kids.  He was attentive, interested and friendly.  I'd finished my coffee by the time he arrived (wasn't his fault he was late he was waiting for his ex to pick up his kids) and he didn't want to order and instead suggested we go along to a certain shop where he could pick something up for his son.  Then he wanted to go to another cafe while I was starving and wanted food.  We ended up at the food hall and before you know it it was time to go since both of us had to rush back to look after our kids.

We have a lot in common being the primary carers of our children and our ex being one who "could not cope" with too much childcare responsibility and not having the family support in place that we get much time to ourselves...  I thought at the very least that we could be friends - or I hoped so.

It was comfortable - not in any way uncomfortable.  Certainly no sparks but I've learned now that sparks don't always happen immediately.  We had talked about how we might find time to get together and came up with a few tentative plans.

The following week our messages dwindled.  We'd talked a few times about seeing each other and he wasn't able to but assured me he'd have loved to.  The messages seemed to mostly be about the weather and "how our day had been".  One of his regular questions was "did you work today?"  Apparently he expected me to work fulltime because he also had a 2yo and felt this was our duty to financially support our children.  While I agree with him in our circumstances, I do work part-time and my son is not in quite full time hours as yet and he knew I was looking for a job.  It was some weird conversation that we'd had a while ago that became a bit awkward so every time he asked me about work I felt weird like he was judging me for the choices I'd made or the position I was in.

So I was not feeling greatly enamoured by our "conversations" since we met and while at times I wondered if he'd lost interest - other times he seem to reassure me that he hadn't.  At one stage he made the comment that it might be better if we made a time to talk rather than "waiting online all night awaiting a message" which struck me as a bit odd.  Why wouldn't you send a message and then go and do something else and reply when you felt like it?  So I texted him and gave him my home phone number and invited him to call me sometime - said that he had all my numbers now I would leave it up to him.  Then I got a message saying that he was going to be childfree for a few hours the following day, what if he called me between 5:20pm and 7:30pm?  I wanted to laugh it was so planned and simply replied that he was welcome to call whenever he liked and if I was home I'd answer!  During that phonecall, we arranged to see each other the following day but said we'd arrange what we'd do by phone.

The next morning I was waiting for my son's dad to pick him up and texted "The Lawnmower Man" and said that I'd run out of coffee in the house and was dying so I might go up to a cafe did he want to join me or did he want to do something else?  I got an odd phonecall as a result asking me did I want to cancel our date as he got a strange text message from me.  And I said, no I'd just invited him to join me for coffee!  So he said he didn't mind joining me for coffee did I want to meet him at St Lukes or Lynmall!  (Remember the last time he suggested either Lynmall or St Lukes?)  He said they were places he knew.  I asked him did he not want to go somewhere he didn't know - and he said (a little irritably) "well then I won't know where to find it, will I?"  At this point, I told him I was still dealing with my son and would think about it and text him.  I'd decided at that point that I didn't want to meet him.  I had become bored with our conversations and he was a nice guy - don't get me wrong - but there was absolutely no spontaneity or adventure in him.  Aside from the dull conversations, it was the "I will be there in 13 minutes" and the agitation about being late and the insisting on coffee in Lynmall and St Lukes that really did it.  Along with the green shorts and green shirt.  Men should not wear shorts unless it's summer and they're the surfie-variety.  And I am fairly anti-green most of the time.  Even my son doesn't wear green.  If he has any green clothes in his wardrobe they are pulled out for daycare use and he can splosh paint on his green apparel to his heart's content as far as I'm concerned!  

So I cancelled our 2nd date and wished "Mr Lawnmower Man" well.  He is such a nice guy and really looking for a mother for his children whose mum has all but abandoned them (personally I was more attracted to being their stand-in mother than I was to being "Mrs Lawnmower Man")  I certainly hope that he finds someone lovely as he is a nice man.  Someone who has a steady job, unambitious, not particularly adventurous, family-oriented, the domestic type - bakes and gardens and makes hearty dinners to warm her man's stomach.  I don't think we were a good fit..  It's not that he had done anything wrong, it was just that I didn't think our personalities went together.

I probably would have continued to be friends with him and enjoyed the friendship but I think all the rigidness with time and location put me off.

A Momentary Lapse of Melancholy and Self-Pity

In between bouts of reading Marian Keyes chick-lit I have a little narrative going in my head I thought I'd share with you... tongue is a little bit in cheek but am also indulging in a bit of momentary self-pity.

I have been having a debate with myself to make sure that I won't settle for anything except someone who's kind of crazy about me that I'm crazy about - which, if you ask me - could mean that I'm in for a long wait - and so I'd perhaps better get used to singledom (singlehood?  singleness?) and dress it up as something fun and refer to myself as a singleton.  And say to everyone "oh I LOVE being single!" like the others do when it's painfully obvious that their 1 bedroom apartment with cat is really not that fulfilling whatsoever.

But the problem is that men are often "not that into me."  When I think about it, even my husband isn't/wasn't that into me.  We dated for two-and-a-half years and I had to give him an ultimatum in the end about "marriage or I walk" and in hindsight he wasn't leaping to the altar although he definitely was leaping to the honeymoon suite later that night...

And come to think of it I don't think my own mother is really that "into me"... or the rest of my family, or my friends for that matter (sorry friends).  And the men that are really into me, wouldn't you know it, I'm not into myself.

There is, however, one little glimmer of joy in this entire pity-me post - my 2 year old son.  I have to say that despite my absolute exhaustion that he brings out in me, he is one boy that I can say categorically that I am totally besotted with.  I look at him and he is perfect to me.  His eyes couldn't be more beautiful.  The way his hair curls I think is the cutest thing in the world.  I love the way he says his "L's" (he can't say them).  And the way his hair bounces when he walks.  And we have the most incredible bond.  When I remember all this I am grateful to God, grateful to the universe for giving me him.